21st Century (Digital Boy) (Bad Religion)
Nothing fascinated me musically as much as the band Bad Religion. I used to spend so much time researching the band and its members, even talking to Jay Bentley on internet relay chat (IRC), #badreligion on undernet. The fascination really took hold when I was in college. I was bored, technologically inclined, and a wee bit malcontent.
No band is as misunderstood as Bad Religion, and some fans like it that way. It's a barrier to the band becoming massively popular (they are more popular outside the U.S.), but it also makes you feel like you're in on the joke. Others don't understand. That's the reason hardcore and punk rock were important to a lot of people. It was a way of excluding those who excluded them from society. When our bands became too popular (a subjective thought if there ever was), we called them poseurs and fled to other, lesser-known bands. Gotta keep it real. But I was always into Bad Religion and remained a fan (even though I didn't share their political leanings, I gleaned enough truth from their songs to make it enjoyable) until I had a crisis of faith about 10 years ago.
I could talk for ages about how and why this band is important to me and the world, how unique it is, its history, its various members and lineup changes, etc., but let's focus on this song. This is the original version, released in 1990 on Against the Grain. It was re-recorded and released on Stranger Than Fiction when the band signed with a major label (Atlantic) in 1994. Fans seem to agree the original is angrier and something is missing with the second version. Mr. Brett reportedly wasn't happy with the original, which he wrote. Mr. Brett also owned the label (Epitaph) they were on originally, and Epitaph got really big and wasn't able to properly handle Bad Religion or something. Anyway, there is more to read about this song if you want on the BR page. Fun fact: Mr. Brett sings part of this song ("tried to tell you about no control, but now I really don't know").
The song's meaning, taken from the BR page: Brett: "21st Century Digital Boy is just a song about contemporary young people who really grow up with so much technology and they never really have a chance to experience the richness of what culture has to offer because they don't really ever take up reading and so on."[1] German Stranger Than Fiction promo CD booklet: "Will the information revolution improve quality of life or the quality of gizmos? Are you Mac or Windows?"[2] It is about drugs and about Brett's family (he had rich parents who spoiled him so it's kind of autobiographical) and was inspired by Hetson's comments on Nintendo.
My, how far we've come. I agree with the sentiment of the song. The video for the song features a baby sitting in front of a television. They had to put Barney on for the baby because watching the band was scary. And that's just plain funny. The unfunny part is how closely the lyrics match my own life. But I can read, of course. The part about parents and how they don't care or are in their own little world is true. I don't consider my father to be an intellectual, though, and my mom, as far as I know, never did valium. As far as being into technology, yes, I could say that about myself, at one time. After seeing so many iterations of discarded tech, I don't jump on the bandwagon right away. I used to play some video games, like when I was in college (Doom, Wolfenstein, some mech game) and later on a PS2, and, of course, arcade games when I was little. Gave a lot of that up years ago for more analog pursuits. My son loves games, so I recently got us a Nintendo Switch so we can play together and he can also take it with him on trips (he's not allowed to use it the entire time). It's about spending time doing something together rather than just watching movies or whatever. And I told him it doesn't replace time playing catch or kicking a ball around, etc.; but, we'll see how well he does putting a limit on it. My guess is I will have to set more boundaries. Anyway.
Re-listening to this song got me thinking perhaps my failures in the category of love and close relationships/friendships are because relationships weren't modeled correctly. I didn't feel love or care from my family. Essentially, I was raised by wolves, or, better, I raised myself. I always had one or two close friends and that's all. Maybe I saw friendship and love and intimacy as dangerous, as those who hurt me most were those who said they loved me. So I chose the wrong relationships over healthy ones, people who would do me wrong over those who offered love and security. Relationships were like my Passchendaele. But, I learned a lot of lessons along the way, which I can now share with anyone who listens. Some things you gotta find out yourself.
The counterpoint to seeing my past that way is the relationships I engaged in taught me to love even when there was no chance of my love being returned in the same way. Relationships are never completely balanced. I learned intricate and necessary truths about love and relationships, how to navigate them, how to treat one another (women are not to be put on pedestals nor allowed to act a fool), and how to forgive. If I had been in a healthy relationship from the start, I likely would not have appreciated it, though it would have benefitted me immensely. Being in an unhealthy relationship taught me how to fight for someone (and when to let it go), taught me boundaries, and what to accept or reject. Also learned how God must feel when we repeatedly fail Him (which is something being a parent reinforced). I can choose to see it as wasted time and effort, or I can see what was gained.
Someone recently shared with me an excerpt from a book about someone who was a drug addict for 27 years and then turned to God, saying this is what God said to them, "Stop looking at your shortcomings as lack. Without them, you would never turn to Me. They're a gift. I love you enough to allow you to suffer. It's the only way you ever realize your need for Me. I left you with a void that only I can fill. When all other lights go out, I'm the One still shining." And that sums up my life and everything I was trying to say on this blog. Y'all should have read that book instead.
It's important to note not all trials and tribulations benefit us. They maybe not even be about us. They may benefit someone else, someone we can't even see. God works in big ways, and it's important to entrust all our experiences to Him. Who knows who God may be helping by putting us through something. I think of the Christian man or woman who is going through trouble at work, perhaps, and people know this person is a Christian but they're really getting hammered at work, or maybe they lost their job or a promotion passed them by. In any case, they got a raw deal. Maybe someone close to them died. Someone is horrible to them. And, people watch what that person does with trials and/or grief. They may not say anything, but they definitely watch. So, keep your head up, Christian, what you're going through may benefit someone you don't even realize is watching.
Though I'm an old guy now and no longer listen to much hardcore music, I appreciate the journey that got me where I am. Had not God intervened multiple times, I wouldn't be sitting here writing. I wouldn't be doing anything. I'd be gone. There is so much to be thankful about. I'm doing okay. God is in charge. I don't have to worry about anything. Just have to remain faithful. Amen.
***
Perhaps the final note on the saga of Cindy and me that played out (as best as I can tell). Cindy in no way meant to hurt me, and instead tried to prevent me from being hurt. Putting me in the friend zone was probably her way of keeping me safe (and her safe). She is a good friend, by the way. I don't know if she is capable of having romantic feelings for anyone, so that was maybe as close as she could keep me. We didn't have a relationship. She didn't discard me. Why did I end up in the friend zone? She wasn't worried about how I would treat her. She knows I would have treated her well. We make sense on so many levels. She wanted me to be happy with her and thought she wasn't capable of giving me what I wanted (which is her, all she had to do was give me herself). Avoidants are also bad at closing doors, so the offer of friendship is a very soft rejection, or maybe she saw it as a possible path to something more for us, but that didn't happen. It's possible fear overrode our chances of progressing. I knew she would pull back after an especially good time together and would prepare myself in advance. I didn't know why then but now believe she is avoidantly attached. She is introverted and neurodivergent, which make her easily overwhelmed. And I just can't read her. Unless she tells me what she's thinking or feeling, I likely have no idea (probably more of a man problem). The fact that she pulled away caused me to chase her, which probably pushed her away. Eventually, I let her come and go as she pleased. If she wanted to be in my life, she knew where to find me. I don't expect anything big to happen in the future, but I put it in God's hands, so anything is possible. I'm not a miracle worker, but He is. Let no one doubt I loved her through the whole process and enjoyed chasing her. I was gentle, kind, and attentive to her. She responded to my love with affection, but something internal was triggered and she pulled away.
We talked about something near and dear to her recently, and I made unwise (though well-meaning) statements and could tell she was upset. She apologized later for being defensive, though she had every right to be. What I said was out of line, given the nature of our friendship. It was not a "friend" thing to say. It was coming from an area of deep concern. Not sure our barely-there friendship survived that conversation. I don't foresee having a conversation like that again; I was out of line and misinformed. She is a forgiving person and every bit how I depicted her here, but I also saw how easily I cross the "friend" line when it comes to her. That was a boundary I disliked, and I'm afraid that came off as disrespectful. My brain couldn't comprehend that boundary. It was like, "She's right there. The one you want. Take her." Full-on caveman.
I wanted as much of her as I could get; she gave me as much as she could. So, I got what I wanted. If she walks away, I can console myself with the knowledge she really tried to give me everything, she saw value in me, she didn't think I was a huge creep, and she probably lost as much as I did. Here's a video that sketches out how our attachment styles didn't help us progress (yes, another). I wouldn't say I'm normally anxiously attached, but with her I was. It helps explain why I was confused and thought we were done talking or seeing one another many times. Let me reiterate: a lot of what transpired between us was in my mind, as we were only friends (I came to understand avoidants often put those they value in the friend zone). I think we both took steps back because we both thought we'd be abandoned by the other, which is slightly humorous but also quite sad. Avoidants often push away a close relationship because they fear being abandoned, engulfed, overwhelmed, controlled, etc., but that pushing away often leads to a self-fulfilled prophecy, leading them right to what they feared. (What we focus on, in this case, fear, is the direction we go.) Then they pat themselves on the back and say, "Good job, you avoided a catastrophe," though they helped engineer it. None of that happened with us, as far as I know, because we never progressed to a relationship. I did not abandon her, though my chasing (which I wouldn't suggest anyone do because if they want to be with you, they can put in effort too, and why would you chase someone who can't see your value?) likely pushed her away. I understand, if a relationship with an avoidant is to work, the other partner must 1) respect boundaries and 2) give the avoidant more control over how the relationship operates, two things I tried my best to do with Cindy. Her struggle seems to be internal, and it's up to her to defeat (as in, not avoid) what prevents her from moving forward. Healing is possible, especially in the Lord. It looks different for everyone. I will help in any way possible, as I always believe that, if two people want to accomplish something together, they will. There is incredible strength in two or more people working toward a goal.
Or, you know, maybe I was wrong about everything. Haha. There's always that possibility. I seek the truth, even if it's humbling. In any case, this running commentary will soon cease.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
Christian blog: a-better-hope.blogspot.com
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