Scattered

 
I'm going to start by apologizing.

This post is going to be pretty scattershot. I know this because my thoughts are scattershot right now. I can barely keep things in their proper boxes, much less make sense of them. So, sorry. 

A while ago I mentioned three things I wrote on a Post-It note — things I pray about daily that bother me. I won't name them all, but I do want to mention one. Let's just say there are only two things on that Post-It now. 

I prayed before this week began that God would allow something very positive to happen in my life this week. And it did. Not only that, but I got to cross one of those dreadful things off my prayer list. My old apartment has been rented, so I no longer have to pay rent for two places. I wondered why God would give me the go-ahead to move into a new place and then have that hang over my head. As it was, I only paid about $150 to cover last month because my landlord used my security deposit to cover the rest.

It's hard to explain how crushing financial woes are to someone who has not experienced them. Even a small setback can seem insurmountable. So, suffice to say I'm feeling much better this week than last and breathing easier. I got an answer to prayer. 

My head has been filled with so much anger lately. I was angry at myself, angry with God, just angry. I had to let go of those things, obviously, and I've confessed that anger, which has allowed me to feel freer. I've had to trust God for so many things so many times. I don't know why this time — these three things — have stuck in my craw. Today I am not angry. Today I am humble. Once again, I was not trusting, and once again God showed me I have nothing to worry about. Once again, I have a lot to learn.

Work has been ridiculously busy. And I am so tired — with depression-induced tiredness. Winter drags on. Indeed, it's snowing as I write this. I'd love to get outside and feel the warmth of the sun on my face, but the sun seems to be banished from the heavens. I can count on one hand the number of days in the last six months that the weather has lifted my spirits. That's some ugly weather. 

My son — I learned yesterday — called a girl a "whore" at daycare. Where did he learn this word, and how did he think to apply it to a female? Someone taught him this, and I am angry about that. If it's the last thing I do, I will teach this little boy to respect women. He is now aware of the fact that we don't use that word. In his defense, he said he thought it means "horse." He still got spanked because we don't call girls horses either.

I have been spending more time with my son. This is good for both of us. I think he got a "pass" on some of his behavior because of the perceived difficulties of the divorce. While I may never qualify for father of the year, it's definitely time to double down on disciplining him in love. 

Finally, I want to say I have not abandoned this blog. I have started several draft posts over the last couple of months but have simply been too *everything* to complete them. I have some plans for this summer which will give me something to write about, too, God willing. My depression has gone on long enough, but, like this winter, there is no end in sight. 

There's too much going on in my head. I can't write about all of those things, but I will continue to sort through those things and write when I can. This little journey I'm on is certainly not over. Thank you for following along.