Changed, part three

This is the third and final installment of the changed-by-divorce posts. What has been perhaps the most surprising change can be seen in my body. What was once a thing of ... um, well, not a thing of beauty, but a thing less hideous than it is now, has become a thing of ... well, kind of a crime scene. 

I've never been a big dude. Never been very strong. I'm just a regular guy. All around ... regular. Just a dude. Nothing special. I preferred to have sex with the lights off when I used to have sex because there just isn't anything exciting about my body. That was then. And this is now. 

I can't even imagine having sex with a woman. Mostly because my body is at its worst state since I can remember. I could liken it to several types of livestock. Let's just say I've embraced middle age in a BIG way. It's great, really. Kinda liberating. Until I look in the mirror.  

It's not like I'd even know what to do with a woman anymore. I don't remember how to have sex. Is that even possible? It would be like starting life over. And that sounds exhausting. 

What makes the thought of sex even more horrifying is the state of my ... little guy. I've started referring to him as a gummy bear. Gummy bears are nice and cute and completely harmless. And very petite. And not at all hard. And vaguely fruity, but maybe that's where the similarities end.

I don't know what happened to my body, but it happened. Nothing I can do about it. I know that men who have sex regularly have higher testosterone levels. I've been taking supplements to help out there, as well as supplements to support my mood. I don't know if they do anything besides lower my bank account balance and turn my pee green. Is that even normal? But I have to do something. 

When I was 12 and 13 years old, I remember staring at my body in the mirror. I had begun to shave my little mustache every other day. I was plump for a bit, then when the hormones kicked in I got really skinny again. I remember looking at my muscles, wondering if they'd ever develop. They did ... kinda. Well, not really. I've always been pretty scrawny. Well, now I'm not only not muscular, but I'm fat on top of that. It's a good thing I don't live anywhere near beaches. Or pools. Or anywhere where people get semi-naked. 

Yes, thinking about having sex with a woman is mortifying. I can't even fathom it. I'd feel sorry for her, and I don't want to inflict that sort of mental anguish on another human being. Imagining my gummy bear ravishing her ... let's just stop there. 



It feels like I've aged about ten years since my divorce. I've been working hard, of course, and taking a lot of classes. I've been trying to make my life work in a new way, which isn't easy. I've moved twice. There has been a lot of stress, but I don't know why gray hair has exploded exponentially all over my body. Not just my head. But in my beard. On my chest. In my nose. ON my ears (what the hell!) and ... down there. 

I could go on about the strangeness of my aging body, but y'all get the point. It's actually one of the least offensive changes I've seen in my life. I mean, as long as I keep my clothes on it's fairly inoffensive. It's been a source of humor for me. I mean, what else can I do? Oh, I could lay off the Pringles (BBQ, mmm) and Twinkies. (But have you tried the chocolate Twinkies?) And maybe lay off the Chinese buffets. I'm packing on weight for a role I'm playing. I'm playing a jelly roll. Mmm ... jelly roll.

Okay, I'll get back on the treadmill soon. And maybe lift some weights. And maybe stop buying the little $1 pizzas that are so terrible for me. I'll buy more produce. But even celery in this town is almost $10. I'm not even kidding about that. Celery should be $3 at the most. Driving an hour just to buy produce that isn't an arm and a leg is my new reality. But I guess I can live with that. 

My new body is okay. But I can do better. And when I feel better, I'll make a real attempt to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm getting there. It's hard rebuilding your life all at once. No one said it was easy. But it's certainly not impossible. 

Thanks for reading.