Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home
Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through
Oh, love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you
The only thing John can say for certain is "my memories of love will be of you," which is all I can say for certain, too, and about a certain woman. For me, it was like a storm swept through my life and left just as quickly. All I have are memories of her and the most powerful love I've ever felt. All John succeeded in saying is he doesn't know what love is, but it's worth singing about and worth seeking. In fact, it may be the only thing in life worth doing.
The good news is love is many things. I know that. I don't have to experience the same thing with the same woman to experience love again. Really, I just need a nice girl who will let me love her and won't do anything stupid to hurt me. Little hurts are expected. Big hurts are not. I won't try to catch lightning in a bottle. But no one can blame me for trying again. Love will look different next time. That's all I know. Perhaps — in some ways — it will be better. Here's hoping. And maybe that love will look like another John Denver duet, Love Again.
***
I wrote the above a while ago. It's a nice sentiment. You know, I've been thinking about something. My mom said recently that sometimes sickness occurs when something bad happens to us, like some sort of trauma or rejection, etc. (I recall my uncle, who passed away many years ago, who was diagnosed with brain cancer soon after his grown adopted child accused him of a battery of ugly things, which must have been an incredible betrayal of heart I cannot even imagine.) I had this thought on my own for quite some time, so it was a sort of confirmation. It could be something somatic. I don't pretend to understand how it works, but I know it does indeed have an effect. Considering the PTSD from my abusive childhood, I'm already far behind and will never catch up to "ordinary" people, but this somatic illness thing demands I be careful about who my affections chase after. It's likely I will live the rest of my life alone. And why? Because of what others did to me? Or my reaction to that? It seems unfair, either way. I need to just let it go and sit in the sunshine the rest of my short life. If it seems I am willing myself to die, that's possible, but my body still demands I eat. As long as I'm eating, I'll probably keep living. All I know is there is absolutely nothing I can do about the past or how anyone else treats me. I just want all the pain to go away. Soon enough. Or someone to love me. That would work, probably.
Tracing my many bouts of illness back to traumas took some time, but I can see there was a preceding event in many of those cases that may have triggered an illness. Even a couple of weeks ago before I got sick, I was rejected yet again by a woman. She stopped talking to me, and then I got sick. I was sick most of the last two weeks as a result. My goal is to be well and not sick anymore, so the constant rejections have to go. If a woman shows interest in me first, that may work, but I can't put much effort into chasing women. It explains why my health has done nothing but get worse at an alarming rate. Maybe someday I'll feel well enough to chase a woman. I'll leave chasing the girls to the big boys and the younger boys and those who don't have this backload of stuff to work through. Is there seriously not even a single nice woman who wants anything to do with me? It shouldn't be this hard. Anyway, it's the same reason I've about given up hunting animals. I'm not well. Unmitigated stress from working 6 days a week since last summer certainly doesn't help. Now that I mention it, that situation is a betrayal, as well. Lots of broken promises here. Sheesh.
***
The girl I loved told me recently she does, indeed, care about me. I don't know what to say about that. Regardless, she doesn't want anything to do with me. No one can say I didn't try. (She consistently dropped conversations or rebuffed when I initiated — maybe 100 times or more — like it was her job. She showed equal disdain for replying to messages as well as requests for a meeting.) I sincerely hope she is more open to the next nice guy who is interested in her. And I wish them all the happiness in the world.
Thank you for reading, and God bless.
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