100 reasons I suck (part 1)
Do I really have 100 reasons why I suck? We'll see! The suspense is killing you, I'm sure. Why am I doing this? Glad you asked. I realized along the way I smeared some people on this blog, two in particular. I was hurt and angry and now I don't know how to go back and change that. Not only that, but I probably made myself out to be something better than I am. So, in an effort to rectify, I will list 100 of my character demerits.
I was going to divide this into three posts to make it easier to read, but I'm pretty sure no one reads here anymore. Yeah, okay. I'll divide it up just in case. Since it is taking me so long to finish this post, don't be surprised if I repeat a few of the reasons I suck, which is probably another reason I suck.
1) I'm an idiot. We'll come back to this later.
2) Even my son calls me "Bappy," which apparently isn't a good thing. Definition number two here seems oddly appropriate.
4) I'm sick a lot. As of this writing, I'm sick for three weeks straight. Hopefully, by the time someone reads this, I will feel normal again. Or, even better, I'll be dead.
5) Which reminds me, I think about death a lot. It's a bit of a fixation.
6) And that also reminds me, I am very tired a lot, which probably has a lot to do with numbers 4 and 5, as well as 7.
7) Depressed a lot. I'm sure I'll feel a whole lot better once I get a good look at myself after filling out 100 of these entries. I can't wait.
8) I kill things, which means I'm a big meanie. Okay, I dislike the killing part, but the end result is death, which sucks. You suck, meanie. *psst* My son took the photo above, and I even posed him with the turkey and shotgun, so we might have another hunter in the midst.
9) I drive a Camry, and I like it. The years of bland, appliance-like Camrys are over, though, as the model was revamped in 2018. They're actually fun to drive. Just ask Consumer Reports (Hey, my dad got me a subscription, so button your lip.) Still, not many aspire to own a Camry. Their loss. It's a great car and will run forever, barring accidents or mistreatment. I don't count gunning the engine and hooting like the Duke boys at the behest of my 6-year-old son as mistreatment. But, owning a Camry makes me old, as does reading Consumer Reports, or researching anything, for that matter. And I research like a champ. It has a lot of safety features, which is important to old folk like me (we need all the help we can get). It has a lane-departure thing where it will actually steer you back into your lane, as well as adaptive cruise control, which annoys me when I try to pass someone going slow. But it's good to know I won't rear-end someone because they slow down. At least that's the plan. I was interested in buying a Subaru but was turned down because I'm not 1) a grandma 2) a consumer of granola or marijuana 3) a dog owner or 4) a lesbian. Okay, I wasn't turned down, but I do love ugly cars, and Subarus are terrifically ugly. I was also interested in an Avalon, so suffice to say I bought the sexier of the two vehicles.
10) Speaking of old, did you know I'm now in a protected class of citizens? I'm over 40, which means I cannot be discriminated against because of my age when applying for a job. That's exciting. But not nearly as exciting as using my senior discount and playing the bingo someday. I can't wait! I'm also going to yell at kids on my lawn and say whatever the hell I want because that is exactly what old people do. Oh, wait, I do that now.
11) The things I believe and talk about make me undateable. And make everyone else not like me, too. So, I look forward to aloneness for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll take up fishing. That's a solitary sport. I bet the fish won't even bite. Sad and lonely and potted meat for dinner.
12) I blog. I write a lot. But no one reads it, as far as I know. Maybe like three people. Howdy. Welcome. Enjoy! Actually, those honchos look a lot like me. That's a lot of honchos. But there can be only one head honcho.
13) My blogs. Yeah, nobody really reads. Maybe one or two people. Or maybe just bots. Maybe it's because I have a habit of saying what I want, regardless of how it might make anyone — including myself — feel. It's pretty brutal. I don't even know why I write. Gotta keep my brain cells alive, I guess.
14) Love woes. For numerous reasons, women of all demographics want nothing to do with me. I guess I'm a creep. Or boring. Or, refer to #1. Anyway, at least I don't have to worry about birth control. Apparently, my personality is birth control.
15) Maybe they sense how annoying I can be. The youngest child can be really annoying because they lacked so much growing up. So they need lots of attention. Or something. That's what they say. But I promise I won't bite anyone's face. That would be really annoying. The good news is I'm most annoying when I feel good, so that's a good barometer for how my life is going. But, I think most people prefer the downtrodden me to the annoying me because that one is less annoying.
16) I feel the weight of all the people who left me. Or I left them. People move on without you, which is a fact I don't like or understand. But that's how we all operate. It just sucks when someone is done with you, like you were just an object in their way. Sometimes I'm too sentimental. Just let them go, Joshua. They aren't turned around looking back at you, I guarantee. Be strong. Let them go if they want to go.
17) Processing changes seem to take me a long time, especially negative changes. While others move on quickly, probably because they have some sort of support system, I soldier on being confused and lag behind for years. I could think of many examples. Like the next entry?
18) By my insipid insistence on something more, I pushed away the wonderful woman I was in love with. I pushed her to say things I think she'd rather not, things that were hurtful. Toward the end of our communication, she oscillated between a virtual smackdown or silence. I made something that was beautiful very ugly. Now, the only thing she wants from me is to be left alone, which I granted. Now, I think everything that happened between us was entirely in my head. I dreamed it up because I am a dreamer, forever chasing that which doesn't exist. It makes for good prose but a lousy reality, which probably drives me further into fantasy. Clearly, I didn't pick up any hints when she basically told me to get lost. I had a dream the other night in which she turned away from me the whole time, and I said something incredibly stupid like, "I want to have a relationship with you," which is something I would never say to anyone. (I'm even a dumbass in my dreams about her.) I have more tact than that. Haha, man, I can't even win in my effing dreams. There must be something very wrong with me that I don't realize. Well, besides the obvious 100 things. I apologize to that woman. I'm sorry. I was late in figuring it out because I wanted to be with you so much, but I did eventually leave you alone. Take care, sweet girl. There, let's not talk about it again. (Fingers crossed.)
19) Have you noticed old men sort of talk like monsters? They kind of bark and growl their words out. They don't move their lips or their tongue. It's like they are half-frozen statues, standing firm against the wiles of a cruel world. Have I said this before? I'm kind of like that these days. Have I said this before? I'm kind of like that these days. Haha, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. But you should hear my backyard holler. I seriously sound like I'm constipated and retard ... oh, you know. But, really, I don't know how my son can understand me sometimes.
20) Thanks for reminding me. I have a horrible memory. What was I talking about?
21) I feel sorry for any girl I'm with in the future. I mean, I feel sorry for her ALREADY. One reason is I have a very healthy sex drive. Yeah, it kinda disappeared for a while and I wondered if it was gone forever, but it came back. When I was married, I had sex nearly every day and sometimes twice a day. Why not? You only live once. But, unless my girl is considerably younger (and thus more able to keep up), she may get annoyed with my sex drive. I guess she can just lay there if she wants. It's not like I'm asking for much. Just say yes and I'll do the rest! If she's asleep and I want to have sex, she doesn't even have to wake up. Is that wrong? Yes? Am I a bad boy? I disagree, but she can make me do dishes the next day. And the laundry? Oh, for fuh ...
22) Bad: I have a big nose. Some people say a big nose signals a big ... something else. I can't attest to the veracity of that. All I know is my big nose bumps into everything and now doesn't sit straight on my face. Also, because of the cold climate I live in, it seems to be constantly full of snot. Yay, snot. Giant nose of snot.
23) Oh, and did you know that noses (and ears) never stop growing? They grow our entire lives. So I can look forward to an even bigger nose as I get old! Great. I'm going to look like a giant, flightless bird. I look forward to wearing house slippers, though.
24) Also, I think the rest of me refuses to stop growing, as well. I am a big, fat fatty. We don't need to talk about that at length. Or circumference.
25) I tend to waste a lot of time, time I could be doing other things. Sometimes thumbing through Tumblr. Sometimes reading my Bible. Wait, that's not wasted time. But I might be the only one who thinks that way. Isn't it funny how people are offended by how you choose to waste your time? Why is it less offensive to sit and watch a four-hour sporting event than read your Bible or go for a hike or pray or ... blog. Haha, I do waste a lot of time writing. Touché. Oh, you know what I should write about? The kind of interactions I've had on dating sites. That shit is hilarious if you want to laugh at this guy. (Even had a polyamorous lady interested in me, which was just too weird.) Can you even imagine me on a dating site? Oh, it's horrible. The humanity!
26) The above photo is funny because it's true. I don't want to make light of spiritual things, but human behavior is funny. Because I'm the guy who writes what he wants ... and sends the dang text, no matter what.
27) Y'all ever get the urge to kidnap a lady (who will end up in love with you, of course, because you are amazing and sexy and lithe) and hole up in some secluded cabin (stocked with a year's supply of food, water, games, firewood, and other fine things) that you bought with secret money so no one would know about it? Haha! Yeah, me neither. Wow, that was awfully specific. Any volunteers to play-act this?
28) Sometimes I just roar or make other useless nonsensical noise. It's fun. You should try it. I even do it at work to confuse the hell out of my coworkers and patrons. They probably just think I'm the village idiot. They might be right.
29) Another reason I suck is every single time someone is genuinely interested in me, I get wildly paranoid and bewildered. It's actually very disturbing to me when someone wants to know me or become intimate in some way. I do not trust it whatsoever. It's very confusing. I can actually feel my little squirrel brain trying to pull the right pieces on the Jenga of the situation to make everything fall.
30) Okay, ladies. Have you ever had the feeling someone was looking at you, so you looked around to find ... someone looking at you? Explain how that works. Back in the day, when I used to actually look at women (for some reason, I don't do it anymore, and NO, I'm not gay), it's like someone would tap them on the shoulder and they'd turn around. And I would be caught sheepishly looking away at that point. I don't know how it works, but I would get busted all the time. But I don't do it anymore, so not sure if I should count this one. Oh, why not. We have to make it to 100!
31) I know a lot of useless facts and endlessly pester people with them. I know the term "doozy" refers to an old automobile nameplate, Duesenberg. They are fantastic automobiles from a bygone era. Also, when people refer to a "font," what they likely referring to is a typeface. Fonts are within a typeface. For instance, within Helvetica (one of the most overused typefaces), you have perhaps 50 fonts. Fonts are like members of a family. They all share the Helvetica name but are variations. It's maddening, actually, how many fonts there are. There is actually a documentary about Helvetica. Doesn't that sound interesting? About as interesting as what I just said. Actually, if you happen to say "font," you can excuse that by saying you are referring to a specific font, say Helvetica Rounded Bold Condensed Oblique, within the family of fonts — the typeface — and get off the hook. And no one would be the wiser. Which made this whole explanation moot. And endlessly annoying. Then again, maybe I made all of this up. Also, I know what the Borgesian conundrum is, which seeks to answer whether a writer writes a story or whether the story writes him. Now, isn't that a fun question. Has everything I've written here, in fact, directed my life somehow? What a dumb thought! But perhaps it carries some weight. See how annoying my brain is?
32) Speaking of annoying, I'm incredibly particular about certain things, if you haven't already noticed. If it annoys you, you can be sure it already annoys me. Just as annoying, though, is my penchant to have a decidedly laissez-faire attitude toward other things. Consider it my attempt at balance. On one hand, I care too much; on the other hand, I care too little. Deal with it.
33) I have terrible digestion. I try to eat good food, but when I'm not looking, my mouth eats horrible things, which fouls up my digestion. I am a source of great joy to a 6-year-old boy who thinks farts and burps are high comedy, but I doubt many adults, women especially, would think my bad digestion is as funny. Maybe I swallow air when I eat and drink. It probably doesn't matter, as I'm set to live the rest of my years alone.
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