100 reasons I suck (part 2)
34) I'm hideously bad at small talk. (Actually, I have no interest in trying.) I usually state the obvious. And then I begin to plan an escape. Is there food? Do I need to pee? Can I watch TV? Sit down? Hide? Stare at my shoes? Suddenly feel ill? Take a nap in the coatroom? Oh, holy hell! Help me! I can talk for hours about something I'm passionate about, but I don't care about the effing weather!
35) Sometimes I'm driven beyond reason. I think a healthy drive in life is great. But sometimes I get fixated on something and it becomes more important than food or anything else. It is very odd. Normally, I'm a laid-back individual, but, at times, I am possessed by a particular goal. Nothing suits me and nothing is okay until it is accomplished. While this may sound normal and healthy, I assure you, it is not.
36) I have a wicked temper (at times). I don't think it gets me in trouble, but it can be alarming. We all have stuff to work on, right?
37) I sing as loud as I can in the shower (given the right acoustics). It's pretty spectacular. My musical stylings you won't find anywhere else! I may sing Guns N' Roses through a country filter. I may create my own dance song. Or beatbox like a maniac. My son thinks it is fun. He might be the only one, though.
38) Mornings. Mornings suck for me. I despise mornings. Other people bounce out of bed and onto their day. I cover my face and hide, annoyed already. Most likely, I slept nary a wink and am already pissed off. And I'm sure today is going to suck. All day long, I will look forward to one thing: getting back to bed.
39) I watch bad TV, such as Windstorm 2. But, the given example is wholesome. And that is one talented horse! It may change my long-running disdain for the equine sort. They can do more than stand in fields and look pretty. I haven't watched anything violent for a while, so that's good. And now that my interest has piqued about Windstorm, I can delve into the first installment, as well as the third and fourth! Who knew there was so much Windstorm to be had! Also, I'm glad they dubbed it because I don't speak German, though I am supposedly of German extraction. Actually, I was talking with someone about my last name maybe a decade ago, and they suggested it might actually be older than German and closer to Dutch. Hey, whatever. I like windmills. And tulips.
40) Bad sense of humor. Either you get it or you don't. Most don't. Which makes it even funnier to me.
41) Really loud sneezes. It feels good, but I think it scares people, especially young children.
42) I somehow spawned the most aggressive (and daring) child I know. Boys are pretty aggressive, and girls are, too, though they show aggression in other ways (primarily in relationships rather than physically). But this boy is very aggressive. He also has some sort of learning disability, yet to be named. I'm no expert. I do see evidence of ADHD, as well, though he has the ability to focus on a task, uninterrupted, for hours. (So, he has the HD part but maybe not the AD part.) I'm not sure what is wrong with him, but it is very troubling. I wish I could fix him. He's also one of the friendliest and thoughtful people I've known. He loves being around other kids and was very sad when school ended for the year. What sucks is (and this seems to happen quite often), when I take him to a playground and there are, like, two girls playing, they will not play with him. He will ask to play, and they will ignore him. I was talking about moving and saying he makes friends easily, and he interjected, "I can make friends with boys. If they are boys, I can make friends, but not with girls." That's not exactly true because he has some girl friends, but I see his point. Maybe he's too aggressive for girls. Also, I was told more than once — and by more than one woman — my child won't be accepted by them. And these are women who have kids. I had no idea that line of thinking was so common. If I'm willing to accept their child and love them, why won't you do that for mine? Having a child is a significant impediment to having a relationship, I guess. I had no idea! This was an incredible surprise. I wouldn't ask a woman to get in the muck with me as a parent, but simply loving and accepting a child seems incredibly basic. I don't expect anyone to treat him as their own, but just treat him with kindness. There isn't anything I can do about someone else's attitude, so all I can do is look for a woman who has a similar attitude as me, which is I will accept your children with open arms. It would be an honor. Call me Mr. Brady.
43) Nobody likes me. No, it's true. Not even me! I can turn a friend into an enemy just like that. And I will think it is humorous, which it kinda is. My life is a dumpster fire of epic proportions. But, this isn't a recent phenomenon. Around one of my brother's family, I feel completely unwelcome and ill at ease and have always felt that way, going back more than two decades. It's very odd. For the longest time, I thought it was me and didn't say anything about it to anyone. But, one should not ignore one's feelings. They tell us just as much as our other senses. It's also one of those families where everyone whispers to each other, except my brother, who can't hear very well because he had a tumor removed from one of his ears a long time ago and lost some hearing. WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING? Because y'all are weird and insular. They also remind me of the girls on the playground who ignore my son when he wants to play, like, "No thanks, we have enough people. Closing the ark now. Enjoy the rain."
44) I eat trash. Like, literal trash. I take things out of the trash sometimes and eat them. I would say I'm like a raccoon, but I'm not even that cute. But I will fight you for those hard-as-hell french fries, even if I have to crawl into a burning dumpster to get them. I do know a thing or two about dumpster fires.
45) Maybe it's the trash I eat, but my body is failing all over the place. I find new failings almost every day. And I might be going blind. So, like, I'm a new creature: a blind raccoon that nobody likes. Fantastic! What's next? At least I still have my hair. Most of it. Oh, speaking of ...
46) I have hair growing out of everywhere! I have to tweeze my nose and ears now! Don't even get me started on my eyebrows. Those have always been a disaster. I'm pretty sure I have some Viet Cong hiding in there with their SKSs and AK-47s. I shaved my eyebrows off a few times, and have you seen the movie Powder? Yeah.
47) I tried about a million things in life and failed. If I stacked up my failures versus my accomplishments, it would be a defeating experience. So, let's not. It seems like whatever I want to do, I am resisted beyond what is normal. It would be funny, but it's just sad. Consider my attempts at going back to school, which I took hard every time they were thwarted. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Life is a lot like this Padres fan, and I'm the guy in blue. That's one way to get someone to sit down and shut up. Thanks, life.
48) The older I get, the less I understand. You're supposed to get wiser the older you get. I just get dumber. I literally understand nothing. If I'm dumbfounded by my underwear band flipping over under my belly in the night (as in, "What is this great weight upon me?"), then I probably can't handle strenuous thought processes anymore.
49) Sometimes I choose to dislike someone for no reason. It's funny to me, but it's probably not that funny. Whether or not it reveals an underlying bias or is simply a way of expressing aggression, I don't know. What starts out as a joke sometimes ends up as me actually not liking a person. Surprise! I dislike you for no reason and I'm going to keep doing it!
50) I'm pretty sure after my divorce, something big died in me. Something stopped working or existing. My heart is still pumping, but it is listless. I don't know why I get up in the morning. Each day is more pointless than the previous. Sure, it's okay to be depressed, even for a long time, but something in me stopped showing up. I didn't go into depth about my divorce because it was literally killing me, so it seemed ill-advised to write about it. It's clear I simply disabled large parts of myself. There is a broken heart, and then there is what happened to me. To those who understand what I'm talking about, I'm sorry.
51) Has anyone deliberately killed your pet? Can you imagine a child losing a pet someone decided to take from them and kill? That happened to me, courtesy of one of my brothers. True, it was a turtle, but his name was Scooter, and I loved him. He was my pet. I didn't understand my aversion to having pets my whole life until someone asked me about it, and I said, "It's just so sad when they die." My point is, I am significantly deficient in what makes a human being functional: love and trust. Story of my life.
52) The most significant reason I suck is I want to die. I'm done. Kaput. If I had permission, I would take that forever leap. Life doesn't last very long anyway, so I won't have to wait much longer, even if I lived to the average life expectancy. There must be a reason I'm here, though I have no idea what it is. For those who understand this sentiment, again, I'm sorry.
53) Sometimes I'm deliberately antagonistic, which is intended to be playful. It's not always taken that way, of course, which makes me an a-hole. Hey, I'm the "obvious jerk!" Don't you get it? Maybe I do this to cover for the times when I'm actually trying to be a jerk.
54) Ugh! I can't remember names! If I can, then I mispronounce them. It's a horrible thing! It's nice when someone remembers your name. If someone calls me and I'm at my desk, I make sure to write down their name first because I know I'll forget otherwise. I know they likely won't remember my name, either, but I'll at least try to remember theirs. Also, I can't seem to remember to introduce myself when meeting someone, though I did remember recently and patted myself on the back. I'm just ... forgettable, even to myself. And then I promptly forgot the name of the person I introduced myself to. Figures.
55) I'm a bad hunter. It took me an entire season last year to realize one of the bolts holding my gun together fell out and was sitting in the case. Meanwhile, I was shooting wildly. I hit one deer in the throat, which was fortuitous because no meat was damaged and it died instantly. But one deer I hit in a bad spot and it got away onto private property, where it probably died. Needless to say, when that happens, you're done. You notch your tag and walk away, even though you didn't take anything home. In nature, nothing goes to waste. Coyotes and birds and everything else make short work of a dead animal. It was just a sad moment to realize my lack of awareness contributed to a bad shot and unnecessary suffering.
57) Anna Koverzneva. This deserves its own post. Who is she and why is she a reason I suck? Well, I contacted her through an international dating website nearly two years ago. What I found was she was one of the nicest women I've ever met, and very smart, too. Her English is flawless. While I clung to what might happen with another woman (it never did, nor did she even have the inkling, which I later learned, as she dated her ex instead), I lost my chance to pursue Anna. Though Anna was very much what I was looking for, I wasn't in love with her, but, love can grow with daily contact. My hesitation meant I lost someone who could have been very good for me. How did I know a worldwide (supposed) pandemic (and subsequent loss of my position at work) would mean the end of my dream to visit Russia? I'm sorry, Anna; I'm sorry I'm not the man I should have been. I wish you and little Alisa all my best. You are a fine woman who will surely find happiness with a better man. And maybe you already have. Through that and other experiences, I realized I'm not what any woman is looking for. Beyond humbling. Anyway, I felt sorry for her because I know what it feels like when you realize something you want (if she even did) isn't going to happen. I should have ended the charade earlier. Sorry, Anna. And, if anyone still wonders what happened with Cindy and me, she didn't want to be with me (and told me no again as recently as February). It was as simple as that. Now, I have no one. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Being alone certainly is my programming. I tried for years to get that certain girl to move forward with me, but she wasn't interested. Waah. I made a hard commitment to a course of action in March, then tried to backtrack because something wasn't right, then realized I was utterly hopeless and need a new plan. This reason I suck can be summed up another way: stuck on a girl and can't move forward. I would appreciate prayers about this. I'm ready to do literally anything God tells me. It's fair to say God got me to this point through some harrowing years, but I'm here, finally.
58) I leave things sitting out. I'm normally neat and tidy and want things put away. (Yeah, sure.) Sometimes I leave things out. Why? Because I don't want to forget them. I'm going to do something with them, and ... it just takes me a while to get it done. Like a few years.
59) Which reminds me, I procrastinate a lot. I lose steam on projects. I bail. I find something shiny to chase after. I stare at photos of Elizabeth Turner. Go for a walk to clear my mind. Bounce around in Tumblr. Watch Fail Army. Whatever. It just goes on.
60) Without realizing what I was doing, I tried to take a woman who belonged to a man who is superior to me in every way. Again, beyond humbled. This reason I suck is probably worth about 50. I'm beginning to feel the challenge of fitting all the reasons I suck into 100. Holy shinola.
61) I use a lot of semantic satiation. Don't know what that is? It's repeating shit ad nauseam. Basically, you make people hate you because you repeat something until ... they hate you. I do this probably because I was the youngest child and no one paid any attention to me. I made a habit of repeating myself because I had to ... repeat myself. Got it? If you didn't, you'll be sure to hear it again.
62) I keep track of random celebrities like Emma Watson. For instance, Emma, I noticed your boyfriend not only has better hair than you ... but also just purchased a ShamWow. Girl, what's going on? And does he need a lot of vitamins for his hair? Maybe you should buy some, too, so you can have awesome hair! But you don't need awesome hair because you have awesome pants ... and you are a rich celebrity. Did you know you can wear a ShamWow as a mask, too? Don't you think she'd look good as a redhead? It would go well with her pale, English skin. Why is she wearing a sweater in LA? And why are the arms so long? Does she have go-go-gadget arms? And I don't see a ring on her finger, which means I still have a chance. Also, don't you think I can spend my time doing better things? Nah.
63) Yeah, I spend time thinking about girls I'll never meet, let alone have a chance with. It beats reality, man. Do you really want to hear more whining from this guy that he's not with a lovely girl? Sheesh. I read a book about divorce while I was ... going through a divorce. In one of the stories, a woman endured seven years of being alone before she found a nice man and settled down. I thought that was a helluva long time, but now I wish I could find someone that quickly. Looks like it won't happen at all.
64) Speaking of girls, I really smeared two in particular on this blog. I apologize to them. I wish them the best. They deserved better than that. They are both wonderful people who decided I wasn't the best for them, and I took that VERY hard. I should not have written some of the things I wrote. I get angry when I feel rejected. Feeling angry is okay. But it's not okay to smear people. And, rejection is just a part of life. Especially my life.
65) I sometimes joke with people so hard they think I'm serious and start crying. Or worse! Hey, wow, put down that gun! I was kidding! (Just so you know, I joke about myself much worse than anyone else.)
66) If I haven't said it enough, remember the time I said on my blog so-and-so and I would be together by now? Haha. Good times. Needless to say, I wrong. Also, God probably doesn't care that much about who we are in relationships with, just as long as we are good and kind to them (unless you are on a literal mission from God, I suppose). So, find someone to be with who makes you happy, y'all. Cus no one else gives a crap. They don't have to live with that person. You do. And, well, if the person you love doesn't want to be with you, your options are limited. I suggest kidnapping. Or whining about it on your blog no one reads, which works for me! Or just accept the love of your couch, which is almost like a real person. Just don't call it Elizabeth. That's weird. Trust me. People will start asking questions.
***
I fasted and prayed about the direction my life has taken and feel I have an answer of how to proceed. I got my resume updated and sent out my first job application recently. This is something I feel God told me to do quite some time ago and punished me for my refusal to do so. When you pray to God for direction and He keeps telling you the same thing, maybe you should do that thing, huh? Please pray God opens the doors He wants open and closes the ones He doesn't. I would be eternally grateful for any prayers.
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