Fearful-avoidant

On and off I’ve been talking to someone who used to be a counselor. They have mentioned quite a few times I should try to figure out my attachment style. It sounded like yet another psychological mumbo jumbo thing, so I didn’t. A recent conversation changed my mind.

The question I asked them was, “When a man has a background of childhood abuse/childhood sexual abuse, how does that affect his adult relationships,” which led them to suggest a video about attachment styles. So, I watched it, bored as hell. But, the last attachment style sounded really familiar. It was fearful-avoidant. It’s sort of a push-pull style. It's wanting intimacy but not being able to have it.

I’ve decided to let a couple of articles do the talking. The first one lists some of the signs of this style, of which I have many. The page cuts off, but that’s the main thing I wanted to show. 

The second one is geared more toward helping an individual with this style and those who attempt relationships with this style. There is hope for a positive and healthy relationship, but the trust issue must be dealt with first. There will be no intimacy until that protective wall comes down. 

I used to be a very independent and strong person. Somewhere along the line, I just broke down and became somewhat codependent. I’m not sure when that happened. Perhaps after a significant blow to my ego. Perhaps after many blows. 

This attachment style often comes from having severe trauma in one's background. Now, here’s the thing I saw. I knew all of this before, though I didn’t have a name for it. But I didn’t see how much this style of attachment impacted my past relationships. It basically wrecked every single one, often before they even started. My relationship with my ex? Check. Both my doomed attempts with Cindy? Check. A smattering of near-misses here and there? Check. 

The key to my failure is my fear of intimacy. Actually, fear is not even the right word. I’m terrified of intimacy. How can a person be in a relationship when they are terrified of intimacy? They can’t. That’s why all my relationships failed. Oh, I can be in superficial relationships, but nothing deep. All my attempts at the deep dive ended with me in a panic, like I’m literally running out of air. 

Now, pause and look at what I just did. I just blamed myself for every relationship that didn’t work. That’s also classic for this style. It’s a cycle of blame that doesn’t allow endings to take place, too, so there is often no closure once it is clear the relationship is over. Let's face it; it's nearly impossible to have intimacy with someone who cheated on you or is currently cheating on you.

Another thing the second article mentioned is during times of extreme stress such as workplace turmoil or the death of a loved one or friend, this attachment style is heightened. Because the fearful-avoidant attachment person is already hypervigilant, these added stresses put them into an exaggerated state. This is exactly what happened in my marriage during critical times, which my ex-wife responded to with an even more exaggerated “I must punch through this wall” stance, which drove me further away, which … just snowballed. The only way she could have intimacy with me during those times was through sex, but I resisted sex, which made her force sex … which I think we can all agree is bad. It’s not a fantasy of mine to be essentially raped. Some people have that fantasy. I do not. Don’t get me wrong. It’s nice when a woman makes her desires known, but this was not that. The more sex she wanted, the less desire I had for it, which led me to seek out external stimulants like porn (and I should point out there’s no intimacy with porn) so I could satisfy her. And when she found said porn, that was also bad. (Did I mention I’m bad at hiding things?) And, it made her forcing herself on me even more pronounced. See how ugly this whole thing is? All because I have trouble with intimacy. Those last few years of my marriage were ugly years. Yeah, I don’t blame myself much these days for leaving that behind. 

I’m working on a post about childhood sexual abuse, but it’s tied in with a book I’m reading, and I’m not reading it very quickly because a) I don’t have time b) I am tired of reading c) I have decided not to rush it. I thought about adding this attachment style post to that post but decided it deserved its own thread. Considering how fatigued my brain and body are lately (I feel like I’ve been sick the last six months), I’m surprised I got anything written. It’s progress, albeit a bit slow.

Where do I go from here? There’s a lot to glean from the above readings. But, let’s cut to the chase. How much change can I accomplish in the rest of my life? I don’t have forever. Is there a shortcut? Do shortcuts work? There are a lot of questions. I have no answers. 

So, I will do what I’ve done with every other question I can’t answer and give it to God. I’m sure He can solve this faster than I can. I’m not stressed out by this. It’s nothing new. I just have a name for it now and a clearer understanding of how it impacted me and its origin. I’m confident God will not let this thing win.

Thank you for reading and God bless.