my careless contagion

In my mind's eye, I can see us there still, at Reservoir Hill, you in my arms and I wishing us right out of that town. Why didn't I kiss you there or unhook your bra strap or put a hand up your shirt or tell you anything — ANYTHING — that was in my thoughts about us. Why did it have to be me telling you too late and you had already gone away and I was moping my way to some other girl? Sometimes, my dear, I can make it all right if I think about it all night, if I make my brain hurt and my heart flutter and my eyes water a little too. Somehow, I can make myself appear there again with you. If I could only go back, take your hand, and show you my heart. I wouldn't be sitting here wondering about you. I'd know everything. I know you would have given me your heart and your hand and everything you could think of. I'd know you inside and out. If only I could retrace my steps all the way back to you and that hill. If I hadn't thought you were only kidding when you...

  I can see it as clear as my reflection in the mirror. It's you and me, sweet girl, making our run for it. From the church, past the people, and into the sunshine. It's you and me, and it's the story I've been aching to write — our story.  We drive into that breezy, balmy morning, away from all of that noise. It's just you and me for a moment, dear, as I park the car and we both stop, our hearts still pounding like the rain on a tin roof. Our eyes meet, and it hits us like the first peals of thunder. This is it, honey, and for the rest of our lives. This is the moment we've been waiting for. I belong to you and you belong to me.  Your face is blushing and my hands are shaking, and I can barely see straight because it's all happening too fast. I just want to slow it down, you know, and make it last. It's slipping away, and I'm grasping at it, and it's almost gone again ... until I realize you're not going anywhere. You've just pro...

Here's another song — The Fault Line — from Greg Graffin's American Lesion. I was trying to think of a song that dovetails with this post, and this was the first one I thought of. Considering Greg Graffin was dealing with the aftermath of a divorce when he wrote these songs, I consider it pertinent. This song is about the lines that reveal blame and fault in a relationship (also, perhaps, geography), which is something we all have to sort through when a relationship ends. Let's face it, there are no divorces where anyone escapes blame. While married, I knew I wasn't faultless, however, after examining my marriage from a distance, I've come to see how truly deserving of blame I was.  It was necessary for me to get some distance before I came to this conclusion. The reason for that is because anyone who lives with someone who is controlling or manipulative is ALWAYS aware of their constant falling short, their failings, their hurtful behavior, etc. There is no w...

  Netflix offers a mind-boggling assortment of garbage shows, many dark and twisted in nature. Basically, it's perfect for me. Except when I don't want my mind getting dragged down yet another dark corridor to some predictable end. Enter Taylor Swift's Reputation Stadium Tour!  This show captures Swift's final performance of her Reputation tour at Dallas. Her entire tour was stadiums, in fact, which is a testament to her wide-ranging appeal and popularity. By contrast, I've only seen one performance at a stadium — the Beastie Boys in Cleveland (during their Hello Nasty tour, I believe). They played Egg Raid on Mojo , one of their early punk songs, as I recall. I don't remember much else except we were far away.  Okay, I know Swift can make a good pop song, and traditionally I don't care for pop songs, but there's no reason I'm sitting in my recliner crying as I watch her perform. Suddenly I was alarmed. What's happened to me?   I don...

Marked by Bad Religion conforms to the punk rock ethic of mind over matter, of letting nothing affect you. Of being stronger than the world which seeks to crush and conform you. It is a classic theme of punk rock manifested on arguably one of Bad Religion's best albums, Stranger Than Fiction (1994). This is probably Bad Religion's most radio-friendly album and their first major-label release. Without getting into the discussion of punk rock and major labels, let me dissect the meaning of this song.  Lyrically, the song is simple. It was written by Brett Gurewitz, aka Mr. Brett, one of the band's founders, and guitarist (and owner of Epitaph records). Mr. Brett's songs are unique and quite unlike the other principal songwriter Greg Graffin's songs. The Gray Race album, entirely written by Graffin, showcases what's missing when Mr. Brett isn't involved.  Mr. Brett's songs are more like paintings, which are up to the viewer to decide what they mean,...

James Bay's Wild Love , featuring a blonde Natalia Dyer (and an unholy number of purple butterflies), was originally a song I steered away from. I like the song, actually, but I wasn't able to agree with the sentiment because I was going through a tumbler of heartache and change. Lately, I've started to see the light at the end of the tunnel (and I hope it's not an oncoming train). Could I be close to being ready to love again?  Let me say that I'm not in a relationship right now. I'm in love with a woman, but I'm not in a relationship. I'm free to do as I please, which up until now has mostly consisted of avoiding life. I know I'm not ready for a relationship, but I see daylight, and it's nearly time to get up out of this slumber and face a new day. At least I get that feeling more often these days. The truth is, I may never be ready to move on, but there's something in me that says I have to at least try.  I have taken a few moments ...

A used condom. That's what I saw. That's what sparked this post.  I was hiking around a place called the Rock Maze not far from where I live. It's a place for fun and games and illicit activities such as recreational drug use. And, apparently, sex in the dirt. Oh, and it's a rock maze. I walked around a cliff face and saw a used condom in the dirt. It's nothing I hadn't seen before but didn't expect to see the evidence of someone's fun at that particular moment. As I shook my head and walked away, I thought of how my idea of sex has changed in the last few years. It used to be so common, so throw-away. Like that errant condom. It's strange how something that used to be so common can now seem so precious. When I think of sex, I think of one woman. And I can't even think of having sex with her in the dirt and leaving the condom behind. Really, I just want to hold her hand. Let's face it. Sex can be anything we want it to be. As lon...

From Greg Graffin's (of Bad Religion fame) first solo album, American Lesion, comes this little song about the breakup of a marriage. Maybe She Will reveals the stalwart hope of Graffin, who typically (being a scientist) wouldn't spend much time in emotional turmoil. This album was one of my favorites for years. I listened to it recently and found I had little in common with the words and music, originally released and purchased in 1997.  One of the things I do have in common with this album is the sentiment expressed in this song. It's the act of putting your hope into another human being in a desperate way, hoping against all hope, really, that they will rescue you from your dire situation. As much as I loved this album as long as I did, I cannot believe it no longer resonates with me. This is a track that has come back to haunt me, so to speak, however, as I know this feeling well.  How many times had I wished my former mate would just make good and recognize t...

  Love has been likened to many things. How many songs have been penned with love in mind? Too many to count. I didn't know what this song was truly about until I fell in love with a certain woman while I was separated. For me, Ring of Fire finally makes sense.  There are many versions of this song. I've chosen to post a cover by Social Distortion (1990). Of course, no one can argue with the power of the original (1952, 1963) by June Carter and Johnny Cash. There is some disagreement about who wrote this song, but most agree it was June Carter and Merle Kilgore. The popular explanation is that the song is about June Carter and Johnny Cash's love affair. I think that's an acceptable story. Cash's first wife said Johnny wrote it while hopped up on pills about a certain female body part, but, hey, let's keep this as clean as possible. In any case, June and Johnny had a long marriage, affair or no affair, and regardless o...

Beautiful Girls , released in 1996, has long been one of my favorite movies. It's not for everyone, I admit. Also, I'm not sure how well it has aged. I watched it last year and enjoyed it, yet something felt different. Perhaps what's different is me.  Human beings are meant to change. Our lives are relatively short, yet significant. Without adjusting, changing, growing, and advancing, our lives are much less significant, though. Staying stuck where we are is problematic for a lot of reasons. I mention this because this movie deals with the way we change and grow.  The movie is set during a 10-year reunion in a small town. The main character, Willie (Timothy Hutton), is at a crossroads in his life. It's time to grow up. Staring at him is the pull of youth and also the demands of adulthood. His old friends seem stuck in high school mode. When men refuse to grow up, it impacts their relationships, and his friends show signs of stagnation in their relationships with ...

Suspicious minds by Elvis Presley has always been one of my favorite songs. This song was released in 1969, way before I was born. In fact, I've never known a world with Elvis Presley, as he died about a month before I was born.  The fact that I can listen to this song so many years after its release tells me it has a universal and timeless appeal. Unfortunately, the theme of the song is suspicion, which is a poison to any relationship.   As I enter the great fray of singlehood, I'm faced with the realization that any woman I'm with in the future will have someone else in her heart. It could be a past lover or lovers or someone they wish they would have been with instead of me, some of them very real and some of them in the realm of fantasy. Even a girl in her 20s is bound to have someone else in her heart, someone who she keeps warm there without ever saying as much.  Our hearts are deceitful, even to us. We think we know what's in them, but we often don'...

I don't want to live forever , featuring Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik, captures some of the thoughts and feelings that prevail in the wake of a breakup. While my divorce was certainly more than a simple breakup — indeed, it was a rending of lives and the end of a 20-year relationship — I identified with some of the emotions portrayed in the song.  It was about a year ago I was listening to this song and letting it run through my mind. I imagined my soon-to-be-ex calling me to "come back home." Sadly, I was also faced with the prospect of losing the girl I had fallen in love with at the same time. It was a terrifying time. How I survived, I don't know. I guess if you close your eyes and blunder through, you can make it through just about anything.  This song portrays an unhealthy attitude toward a breakup. There is despair and desperation, a pathetic search for something that has left for good. I am all too familiar with those things. I hate to say it, but this s...

I never thought I'd be typing these words, but here goes. I was named to the dean's list for the 2018 fall semester of the school I'm taking online classes from.  While this is surely no big deal to the hundreds (thousands?) who found themselves on this list, for me it was no mean feat. Considering I was dealing with a significant amount of personal trauma, and I was working full-time and taking classes full-time, as well as trying to put my life back together, I think that's a significant achievement.  I'm trying not to toot my own horn, but I also need to express gratitude and recognize when something good happens. I give thanks to God for the opportunity to take classes again, so naturally, I give thanks to God for helping me make the dean's list as well.  It feels good to see hard work and perseverance pay off. I hope my education — what little I'm able to attain — will open doors for me and be a blessing to me the rest of my life. Who knows?...

This is my final post about this album. This has been a walk straight back through time, and at times I felt like a part of me was stuck in that green chair, unable to move forward. After revisiting myself all those years ago, I feel I've helped that part of me get up and move forward with the rest of me. Even though I can see myself and the room as clear as if it was yesterday (and I don't expect that to change) my soul must gather itself and leave that room.  This song, The end of everything , is very simple lyrically and sentiment, but it is complicated in action. The song is about the end of a relationship. Very simple. Except Chris Isaak says, "I don't know what to do. In my heart I still love you." Now, very complicated. I've seen people stuck like this, unable to move on, unable to do the reasonable thing, unable to extricate themselves from a bad relationship, all because they are still very much in love. It's sad, yet it shows the power of ou...

Go walking down there by Chris Isaak is a song about losing the one you love. But it's more than that. It's an angry punch at society, or at least an idea of society. It's an anger about losing the one you love and seeing those perfect people (whoever they are) having the time of their lives.  After the heartbreak of infidelity brought me to my knees, I looked with jealousy at those I thought had done things right and who had perfect lives. Anger boiled up in me. The video, using an exaggerated (and perhaps maniacal) 1960s beach movie motif, hammers this idea home. Like so many of Isaak's videos, there are pretty girls and plenty of flesh. Sometimes I wonder who is prettier, the girls or Isaak. It's hard to imagine Isaak as a pugilist, but he was indeed. Imagine his pretty face getting beaten up and nose broken seven times. It reminds me of another rocker — Social Distortion's Mike Ness — who insists on punching his way through life.  Regardless of the...

As with any loss or setback, I was afforded a moment to stop and look back and assess what my life had become. I was unhappy in the wake of my girlfriend's cheating, of course, but I was also unhappy with myself. I had wagered on a girl and had lost. My heart knew I had chosen the wrong girl. For the next 20 years, I grieved that fact. As I sit here today, I am still grieving.  It would be the better part of two decades before I understood what happened with Cindy, the girl I thought I'd be with. I would see clearly my mistakes and missteps. And, most stunningly, I would see the gem of a girl I knew tarnished by her own relationship. It's hard to say who I grieved for the most when I realized I could have saved her from all of that. Graduation day (featured on the Beautiful Girls soundtrack) is about a girl I should have been with. It's hard not to recognize the day we graduated as the day that separated us. I honestly thought we'd be together. When I was sl...

There are some songs I avoid. When I hear one on the radio it's no big deal, as I just flip to the next station. When I'm in a store and hear it come on, then I have to grit my teeth and wait it out. Some associations are hardwired into me. I have a relationship with music that is hard to explain. For Chris Isaak's Forever Blue, it's even more complicated. This album defines how I felt when I was cheated on the first time by my ex. In fact, after everything went down, I wrapped myself up in this music, and for all intents and purposes, died. As the years went on and her behavior remained the same, I found myself changing in ways I never imagined. I was murdering myself just to stay with her.  Baby did a bad bad thing by Chris Isaak will forever remind me of my then girlfriend and now ex-wife's dirty deeds. Chris Isaak was my friend after Kate cheated on me and kicked me out of the bed and onto the floor in the next room. I sat in my green thrift store chair a...