Some unnecessary notes on relationships
I was at the YMCA when the inspiration for this post landed in my lap. Literally. In the form of a ping pong ball. My son finished soccer camp that day and had swimming lessons that night. And the Y was having a bash of sorts. There was a guy in a jackalope suit (or something like that) and lots of college kids milling about. Free food! My son had the largest hot dog I've ever seen, and I had the pulled pork (which seemed to upset my stomach, but everything does these days). We were chilling out, eating, when the kids playing ping pong started to catch my eye. The boy was dressed in his baseball uniform and was hitting the ball way too hard, sending it across the room several times (and many times where we sat). The girl was having a ball and was so pretty with her big smile and even bigger curly hair. And then he hit her in the face with the ball. She was silent (the unfortunate among us know that silence) and then she threw down her paddle and grabbed the ball and threw it at him, exiting the room in quick fashion. And that was that. What struck me was the incongruity of the couple. He was a gross boy who looked a lot like Beavis or Butthead. He kept making stupid faces and wasn't even playing correctly. He was just being a jerk. And she was like sunshine and roses and the smell after the rain. She was tall, skinny, and hadn't filled into her new body. After she left, I thought to myself, "It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt," and that sums up a lot of relationships.
Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to worry about getting hurt? Wouldn't it be nice if we could just slide into someone's life and enjoy them and they enjoy us and we get along and it doesn't get weird or ugly? Wouldn't it be nice if we could just do it like when we were kids, when we decided to be friends with someone and they decided the same and that's all there was to it? I wish it was that easy. Haha. I'm too cynical. Wouldn't it be nice if relationships were just easy? But, then, maybe we wouldn't value them. I don't know. All I know is the enemy puts a lot of effort into destroying relationships, probably because he knows a strong man/woman relationship is how God designed us to function. As a team. As a unit. And a godly couple is incredibly effective at destroying the enemy's work. He wouldn't want that. His war on relationships goes back to the garden of Eden, when he focused his attack on the woman and pitted them against each other.
A friend from high school a few years ago posted some of the saddest stuff I've read on Facebook. His wife, apparently, decided to leave their marriage. And, he believed she would come back. I don't believe she did. It's a hard thing to see, especially when you've been through a divorce yourself. Some of the hardest things we deal with are relationships. The capacity for pain and joy is equal. Slide one way or the other and it will affect your very life force. I was listening to a preacher talk about people rejecting God and he made the connection with husband/wife relationships. He said the most painful thing a person can experience is spurned love, like when a man comes home and embraces his wife and wants to kiss her but she turns away. Or when a son or daughter doesn't want to hear our words of love. (I've had both. I was the one who kept our relationship going — by sheer force of will — after my ex cheated.) It was supposed to be a reminder of how much God loves us and how we often push Him aside. One thing I know is without Jesus Christ in my life, I never would have survived what I went through without becoming a bitter and angry person. Or without it killing me.
And that's why the love of God is so important to me. He left it all, tossed aside His place in heaven, for me, the pearl of great price. If you’ve met me, you know I’m no pearl, but that’s how He sees me. Many Christians know the song The Love of God is Greater Far, but not as many know the story behind it. It existed for many years before the third stanza was added. The third stanza came from what a lunatic at an insane asylum scrawled on their walls. It is breathtakingly beautiful. There is truly nowhere the love of God cannot reach. Even someone in the clutches of madness. Even in the vilest pit of despair. Even in bitterest defeat. Even when all hope is gone.
What I decided is relationships are nearly impossible without God. A relationship is designed in a triune configuration and cannot function properly without all three. Regardless of whether or not I'm ever in a relationship again, I know the love of God is more than enough to sustain me. But, I know I'm capable of moving forward with a woman. We expect too much from our partners. Instead of looking at what we can get from them, perhaps it would be better to consider what we can give them. How can they benefit from having us in their lives? Wouldn't that be a better consideration?
Adding to that, I feel couples should have a goal outside themselves they can both work toward. It shouldn't have more to do with one or the other. It should involve both but shouldn't benefit one more than the other. I realize that's a strange thing to say. But that's how I see it. They should walk together toward a mutual goal. (And have their own goals, too.) Oftentimes you see one parter support the other more than they are supported, neglecting the greater goal. It should be something outside of both but dear to both. Usually it's the children, charity work, or a business venture, something like that. Anyway. Have you seen the guys who choose really small girls for partners? Or the guys who choose girls from a different country? (As for myself, I was looking for someone who couldn't possibly remind me of anyone I'd ever known.) They (usually) aren't interested in keeping things equal. They intend to dominate. It's likely going to be all about them. But, whatever. I'm sure there are exceptions. I don't know if equality is possible in a relationship, but however it plays out, I don't want to be dominated. That's all I know.
Another thing I've seen is the more masculine the man (not necessarily physically), the more feminine the woman (again). It's like the masculinity of the man allows the woman to blossom in her womanhood. She feels protected and valued and free to be who she is, not having to fill both roles. Single parents often have to be both parents, which is incredibly hard. I give a lot of credit to anyone who makes that work. Men seem to respond well to a woman’s appreciation. The more value she sees in him, it seems, the more value he sees in himself, and that can make him successful. Not sure what most women respond to. Security, perhaps. They seem to want someone they admire. I guess we all want that.
I feel like an imposter, writing about relationships. I don't have a great record. And, I’m sure I come off as cynical. Why should anyone listen to me? Well, you don't have to. But, I learned a few things by failing. If I'm ever in a relationship again, it will likely not look like anything I imagined (or anything she imagined, either). It will be its own thing. That's the thing about relationships. They take on a life of their own. Sometimes it’s vanilla; sometimes it’s fireworks. It’s all good. I wrote about relationships in the past, but, should I ever get another chance, it won’t look like any of those things. All I ask is God is in it. I don’t intend to write on this subject again.
Another thing I'd like to briefly say is I don't get why people post so much about their relationships online. Like, what are you trying to make up for? Or hide? It's like the whole "she protests too much" thing. It's like the guy who buys the hot rod. Are you having fun, showing off, or are you deeply insecure about something? Or maybe all three. Who really knows the inner machinations of anyone’s relationship? Again, I’m probably just cynical or jealous. Maybe their lives together are awesome. I hope so. If I had the same thing, I’d probably post all that too. Or I’d be too busy enjoying it. Who knows. Never been there. Moving on.
Before I go, let me tell a story about a couple I know. He is a successful financial advisor. They had many kids and adopted more. She had her own business, as well. They had a huge house and money in the bank. She started going to a fitness trainer in a city about 45 minutes away and pretty soon had a full-blown affair with him. She left her husband. Why? My thought was she got something from the trainer she wasn't getting at home. Perhaps it was time. Appreciation. Kind words. Support. I don't know. But something was missing. Men often neglect their wives' needs, thinking financial provision is enough. For some women, it is. Men, what your wife desires from you is unique. Most likely, you know what it is. Every woman feels love a different way. Love her the way she desires, not the way you desire to love her. When you do that, it opens up your relationship and makes it grow. Both partners need to feel satisfied. When you love her like she needs to be loved, she'll return the favor. Don't assume you know how she wants to be loved. Men often end their relationship work after they've provided. Providing is the beginning, not the end. Don't be lazy. It's worth the work to figure out what she desires. You'll get it back a hundredfold. Don't be afraid to love in a way you aren't used to.
One last thing. About 30 years ago, I had a crush on a girl who lived in a different town. Her name was Trisha. I cut out newspaper clippings with her photo and kept them in a box. I listened to her games on the radio. Pretty innocent, but still a bit obsessive. (It also revealed a nearly inexhaustible capacity for fantasy which still operates. But, if your world sucked as much as mine, you’d do the same.) I saw her in person a couple of times, and that was about it. (I even started combing my hair the same direction as her dad.) I had big feelings for her, but it wasn't love. Many times we think we must feel big feelings (maybe in the beginning we do), but love is the day-in-and-day-out care we have for a person. It's not always a big feeling. I didn't know Trisha then. I don't know her now. Actually, I performed a sort of coup recently because I friended her on Facebook and she actually accepted my request. So, now I can plainly see one of my boyhood crushes was always just a person. I make a frequent joke about little kids. I say something like, "You know, when you really think about it, they're really just little people." It's funny because, duh. But, Trisha is just a person. She had no idea I held her in high esteem 30 years ago. There is another girl who probably has no idea how much I admire her, and that admiration goes back farther than 30 years and is more powerful than anything I felt for anyone else. I still get butterflies when I see her. (Comfortably, though. I don’t freak out, I just get excited.) Day in and day out, I carry her with me because I found great value in her. She's more than a girl. She's an inspiration. Always has been. Probably always will be. Love is more than a feeling. Love is a decision. Sometimes you can love without all the feelings. But it's more fun when you feel it, too. Thanks for listening to my humble thoughts about love and relationships. I don't know if I'm right about anything. Throw enough darts at the wall and one of them might stick.
I wrote all this but didn’t conclude anything about my own situation. All I want is to have fun. All I want is to love a woman. And I do. I don’t know if she knows or cares or feels it, but that’s all I really want. Just to love. The rest is details. At this stage in life, I’m lucky I get to do as much as I do, which is love from a distance. What happened between us was a misunderstanding, at least in my mind, but apologies were in order because I hurt her. I must have hurt her pretty bad. I won't argue with anyone who says I hurt them. That's not my call. But, it wasn't ever my intention to hurt her. Quite the opposite. I hope to someday apologize in person.
I wrote a lot of things here over the years. Looking back, it wasn’t all true or remotely necessary. I wrote because I needed a friend. Kind of like when I was a kid and imagined Mickey Mouse as my friend (even drawing him on the wall), I talked to this blog. Needing to not feel alone and unheard, I furiously wrote to find answers, and even found some, as God answered my prayers. There was a lot of mental flailing about, emotional gymnastics, and downright depressing stuff. What shone through that was God. Someone said you can sum up the Bible with two words: “But God.” This and that happened. But God did this. And that’s a good way to look at my life and this blog. I thank God for helping me through so many things. I’ve come a long way. The next few posts will be different. A change is in order. I have no big things to write about. Follow along if you want. (And, hopefully, blogger won't justify my text next time and not let me change it.)
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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