Thoughts on aging
First, I prefer the spelling of aging as ageing. Spell check doesn't like that, so in order to not see red all over the page, I use aging, which seems like it should sound like ag-ing. Like today we are going to do some ag. Which we're not. We're talking about ageing. Whatever. Now I see a lot of red. Carry on. No one cares.
If I had any thoughts about what life should look like at this age. Didn’t think I'd be the divorced guy. Also, didn't think I'd be married in the first place but hoped if I had been married I would be happily so. And some kids and a job I enjoyed. I have a kid but don't have a job I enjoy and never have. Could have made better decisions. I could have been farther along, but that's not how it played out and there's nothing to do about it. I learned I am ultimately responsible for my decisions, regardless of what anyone says or does. If I take someone’s advice or not, I am still responsible. Or do nothing. That’s still a decision. That’s why I now take decisions to the Lord. My heart follows hard after Him, and that's the best I can do. Should He desire to change my life, that's the only way things are going to change. My steps are led by Him.
When we think of aging, it's two things that are affected: brain and body. They are affected by each other, so let’s not separate the two. Aging in one affects the other. Brain-body thing. The best thing we can give our brains is a good, healthy fat, as our brains are made almost entirely of fat. And, our bodies benefit, too. My health hasn't good since my divorce because eating well wasn’t a priority. Trying to change. Other factors conspire too.
My brain is still the same brain. It runs constantly. Sometimes gets caught in a loop, which is annoying. My brain is unique, as it is wired to work around self-defeating programming put in at a young age. It makes it work harder than others as a result. I'm not smarter than anyone, but my brain works harder. When called upon to handle a situation that has no solution, my brain becomes hot. Literally. It overheats. My head gets too hot. Sometimes, I get a headache too. Then I can’t sleep. In those situations, I learned to turn those thoughts over to God.
My body has some challenges these days. I put on some weight (stress will do that). I'm denser in some areas and more fragile in others, which is an odd combination. My teeth somehow became misaligned, so I have a hard time chewing, which makes eating a lot less pleasurable. I can't taste things very well. I can't see well up close so might need readers. I have hair. My preference is a short haircut, but in order to avoid going to the barber every two weeks ($40 for the two of us), I let it grow. I have the worst beard. Wrinkles where I didn't have them before. Strangely, I haven't outgrown acne, which should be a benefit of aging. I think part of that was moving to a new place and my body adjusting to the climate. I go for a walk and have to change my shirt because I'm soaked in sweat. Right now I'm good, so I hope it was just an adjustment phase.
One thing about aging we imagine to be true is the grumpy-old-man syndrome. That is the exception to the rule. Most folks get happier as they age, on account of learning to avoid things that make them unhappy (like mowing the grass or arguing politics).
I'm smarter in some ways. More diplomatic. I usually know what to avoid. I'm still bad at things like small talk. One thing I noticed is I have a lot to say about things I'm passionate about, and that list shrunk over the years. Main passion is the Word of God. Pretty much every post mentions God. I'm dumber about some things like how to interact with younger people. They don't operate using the same rules. Their social skills might be worse than mine.
Two things I learned to avoid are being over-tired and over-hungry. Those things combined, if you're ever unlucky enough to witness, will put me over the edge. I actually had a nap this weekend (as of this writing), but I also fasted. Fasting is different because it's a planned thing. What I gain by fasting is more than what I miss out on. I try not to fast during the work week because I need my energy. On the weekends I can be lazy. That’s another thing. I'm lazier now. I let things go and learned it really doesn't matter if I do them. It's just me and my son here. One thing I try to avoid is stress. Had enough for a lifetime. It's not healthy. If something is stressing me out and I can't find a solution, it becomes God's problem. That's when I do the handoff. At least I learned that much. It's liberating.
Another thing. God will sometimes put someone in our lives who treats us the way we treat God or someone else. The purpose is not to humiliate us but to teach us about ourselves, our conduct, and to change us, if necessary. It is a gift, regardless of how we see it. Sometimes, the words that come out of my mouth are the words I’ve heard Him speak to me. When that happens, it hits home. Someone once said you learn the most when you teach someone else.
My body is unhealthy. My allergies are horrible. Digestion might be worse. (My body struggles with carbs.) Immune system is crap. I go through most days sleepy but then can't sleep at night. What on earth? Sleep is all I care about most days. Of course, all of these are single, middle-aged man stuff. If I was with a woman, chances are these would improve. Testosterone would return. Stress levels would moderate. Sleep would improve. Depression would ebb. Health and vigor would rebound. This isn't wishful thinking; it's science. Even a single hug boosts our sense of well-being. Having someone to come home to would give me something to look forward to. This isn't how I want to live. Everyone needs time alone, sure, but this is beyond that. I haven't felt any sort of love for more than five years. That aged me. My life force would rebound if that changed.
My body is gnarly, brutish, and utilitarian. Not that it was ever pretty. My teeth are ground down from years of grinding, and are chipped, broken, and misaligned. I tweezer hair from ears, nose, and other odd places. Never knew that would be a hobby. Oh, the indignity. My face muscles are tight against the world, what comes out of my mouth is more a growl or mumble than words. Nary a display of emotion crosses my lips. Except surprise. A lot surprises me. I pretty much carry around a look of pained confusion the rest of the time. Can’t imagine anyone finds that attractive. Is he lost? Is he dying? Look at his hairy ears!
Learned to let go of things I can't change and be thankful for what God gives me. Sure, life could be different, but this is what I have. I spend a lot of time with God in prayer, reading my Bible, and fasting. We talk. I understand the way forward is obedience. If I'm stuck spiritually, it's because I neglected to be obedient somehow. Once that thing comes into alignment with God's will, we move forward.
My best days, hopefully, are ahead. I waded through miles of pain and feel like I deserve a rest and some time on the mountaintop, but it’s not up to me. I get grumpy because I can't see the future, but, if I could, I probably wouldn't get out of bed to find out what my day holds. God knows, and that is enough. That's why I stick close to Him. And, life is crap without Him. Others may find a way to live without Him, but I haven't.
Yes, I fell short of the vision I had for life. I fell short of God's original plan. My disobedience had consequences like missed blessings. I gave God the rest of my life, so that won't be an issue now. What I went through served a purpose. My life was more than just a production of pain and humiliation. It was a revealing of God's infinite love and patience. Whatever blessings come my way I will appreciate. I learned night doesn't last forever and even the enemy's worst blows are used by God to fulfill His purposes. Nothing is wasted. With that said, I'd like to cry on your shoulder a bit. I don't understand why there was so much hate leveled at me, especially from those close. Hard to comprehend. It’s forgiven. Just a tired theme. Every time I bring it to God, He says something in them sees something in me that He put there. Even so, it's been hard. I tried being a sweet, agreeable person to remove myself from the equation, but it doesn't matter. I'm a target. I'm marked. What does that have to do with aging? Well, I had to grow up fast.
The next thing may seem strange. For good reason I don’t mention my spiritual battles much, and that is because not many understand. Something I noticed is many who opposed me for no reason God simply destroyed or rendered irrelevant. Some died. Not bragging. Didn’t ask for it. For that reason, when I see it happening, I pray for that person, as I don’t want them to suffer because they move against me. God protects me. I’m more worried about the ones who oppose me for no reason than my welfare. The spiritual battles marked me. These people don’t even know what they’re doing or why. God has a purpose in moving them against me, and sometimes that reason is to destroy them. (If I did something wrong and am hated for that, that's different.) Like the Bible says, he that despises us despises God. While they have a chance and can choose, I pray for them, asking for a better outcome. That’s my life. The only thing I can align it with is when God takes care of His chosen people, the Jews. Anytime I see someone move against them in word or deed, I cringe because I know God will smite them. That doesn’t mean His people are deserving of that protection. A lot of them don’t even serve Him. He promised to protect them. God watches over them. I always thought I couldn’t get ahead because of my adverse programming, my childhood, and bad decisions that resulted. But, that couldn’t possibly account for all situations. Much of it is due to the spiritual battles. Anyway, I saw how other Christians (Cindy included) handled similar things, and I seek to change my reaction.
Then you have the situations where doing the right thing sets you back. I think of Cindy. She could have moved forward with me or literally anyone, but she didn’t because she deferred to those she cares about most, her children. She would do anything for them. I can tell. She tried dating her ex and at least one other man but ended up deferring to the wishes of her kids. I recall about five years ago she and her ex argued and he said in five years he’d be in a better place than her. I don’t know if that’s true, but he did move forward more than she did. As far as I can tell. Does that mean he’s doing better than her? Not necessarily. Her goals are different. She looks after others more than herself. Wouldn’t you wait for a woman like that? Wouldn’t you like to be the guy who gets to love that girl? It would be an honor to be loved — and trusted — by a woman who has been through so much. You would want to make sure she was looked after properly. Let me reiterate. I don’t mention this because I seek to take advantage of her giving, selfless heart. On the contrary, I pray I am some sort of reward for her. Does it make me sad having to wait? I have something to look forward to, and if she can delay her happiness, so can I.
Sneaking another thought in here. Cindy endured many years of a man’s abuse. She may not even be able to see what life could be like with a different man. And, she undoubtedly internalized the psychological and physical abuse he unloaded on her. How many negative words and feelings did she soak up? Too many. She needs to see how amazing she is, to feel how worthy of love she is, and be loved the right way. She is unique and needs to be loved in a unique way.
Some things I learned over the years. Some things I don't want to deal with. I'm not good at it and I don't like it. There is no reason to do it. Unless God tells me. Never will I say I won't do something for God because that is rebellion. Whatever He says, I do. I can deal with disappointing people; I cannot deal with not having God in my life. If I'm disobedient, that means we parted ways and I'm on my own. I refuse to live like that.
A final thought. Aging, if done in the right vein, can be a source of good. Sometimes wisdom is gained. I learned to pray about everything, even little things. I was going to get a different car but felt God said to wait. Wait for what? Why? It didn't matter. I said okay, but then I need new tires. I prayed about that, too, and told God I wanted the tires He wanted me to have. Then I made my choice and went to the shop. The ones I wanted were on sale with a buy-three-get-one-free promotion. I went to inquire about those. There was a lot of confusion between the three people trying to help me and one of them went ahead and ordered some tires. They weren't the ones I wanted, but I prayed about it. Later, after I got my tires and went on my way, I looked up the tires I bought. They are especially robust. Same brand but more expensive. I got better tires than what I wanted and even got one free! (The promotion didn't include these tires.) These tires are built to handle broken pavement and rough roads, which, it was brought to my attention, this town has a lot of. The roads are surprisingly bad. I saw God was looking out for me. It's nice when I trace things back to a prayer. Even though it wasn't what I planned, God's will prevailed and I got something better. Prayer and obedience. Getting older isn’t all tweezers and being wide awake at midnight. I learned a few things.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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