That innocence
It's like she’s from another time and place that never existed where people are true and fair and honest to a fault. So authentic. So innocent. So pure. I want to put a smile on her face and laughter on her lips for the rest of her life. She deserves that and more. She radiates something to which I gravitate. I've never been able to name that thing. It's her. It's something in her I fell in love with years ago. That innocence. Does she know what it does to me? She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Inside and out.
I'd like to spend a day in her mind to understand her. To understand the innocence. I'd like to settle into her heart to hear what makes it pound harder, what quiets it, and know what it holds dear. Whose names go through her thoughts the most? Who gets the bulk of her worry and care? Who holds her attention and who does she discard? Am I in there anywhere? Has she forgotten me? I’ve given up on wondering if she even likes me. If God prevented her from seeing anything good in me, He must have had a reason.
How many times have I seen that innocence in her? When other women are cold and jaded, she exudes warmth and purity. It's almost a childlike innocence which she possesses. It's a beautiful thing, whatever we choose to call it. She sees the world differently. I was enthralled to be in her life as long as I was. I got to see a whole different perspective. (She helped me see things in people I never would have seen.) There are really people out there like that. Better people. I got to know one of the best in her. Yes, there is only one Cindy. And, boy, did I fall for her. I always knew there was something special about her, but I never could have imagined the depth. Any other woman wouldn't have lasted so long in my mind, much less in my heart. I got to love a perfect woman. I'll cherish my thoughts of her forever. What a gift she is. I admired her since elementary school. I remember her in middle school, sitting pretty in her dress after a concert. And, I still fawn over memories of her in high school and beyond. My memories of her are precious.
Many times I wondered if I could just make her into something ordinary in my mind and then I could get over her. It never worked because she isn't ordinary. She may think she is, but I've seen beyond what she and everyone else see. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has seen how incredible she is. They see she's amazing. They just don't see it all. They see pieces. I saw the whole work of art God did in her. He gifted her with things I have trouble describing. And then let me see them. I waited for her. My heart is set. My mind is made up. I'm not constrained in any way. I love her freely. Unless God changes me, I continue to wait.
The way she looked at me, I could tell she knew I admired her more than any other woman. (It's like she can see right through me.) Truly, I admire her. (Does she understand I've always felt that way?) She seems to understand why. I've never seen a person who was assailed on so many fronts continue to drive on in the service of others. She wants to make others' lives better but often neglects her own. She's a legend in my mind. On paper, nothing says I deserve even her friendship. Only God knows what is possible. I've given up on speculating. All I know is I love her, but she is not in my life. I miss her every day.
Yes, I'm aware. I wrote circles around this thread for years. Out of respect, maybe it's time to take a break. She was always my favorite subject. My muse. Forgive me, but no one truly knows how much I desire her. It is unreal, even to a man who is accustomed to feeling big things.
To beleaguer the point, one of the great mysteries of Cindy I don't understand is how her ex, who surely saw the virtue in her, simply went on mistreating her and didn't repent. All those years he had the example of this godly woman in his life, yet he insisted on using and abusing her. That blows my mind. (Also, I wonder how well she would even do in a relationship where she doesn’t have to keep tabs on her lover for worry he is being unscrupulous. My sincere hope is she would thrive without having to look over her shoulder all the time.) She was the giving tree, and he was the sad hack who used her for everything. I bet she still gives to him in some way, but we'll never know because her heart doesn't boast in doing good. It simply is busy doing good. What an example of God's love. I wish I could be more like her. I tried. God blessed what little I did. I strive to do better.
She is so innocent. How many times did I wonder at what she survived? Things that would have killed me somehow crystalized virtue in her. It wasn't fair what she endured. But, I was always struck by how she continued to love. It was a lesson I'll never forget. It still catches in my throat when I think of her. For her to jump from that into a friendship with me, I mean, she could have done better. What dumb luck on my part. The perfect woman just lands in my lap. What do you do, Joshua? We all know the story.
It's time for a break and, hopefully, when I come back, I'll write something new and different and daring. Okay, not promising the daring. Or very new. But maybe different. Maybe not even that. Haha. Okay, just don't get your hopes up and you'll be okay.
***
For some reason, I seem to cross paths with Cindy’s ex quite often. The last time was July 4 at a local swimming hole. He was with one of his girlfriend’s boys, catching pollywogs. I was struck by his gentleness, patience, and calmness. The boy said hello to my son (they were in the same first-grade class) and then Cindy’s ex gave my son a net to catch pollywogs, too. (And took their photo together.) I mention this because it helped me to greater understand why Cindy pushed me out of her life, and so quickly. It was very distasteful. And I still don’t like it. No, I hate it. (I honestly thought she hated me, and I guess that’s still a possibility.) But, her ex basically adopted another family, which may be more to process for her kids than, oh, daddy has a girlfriend. Cindy probably needs some time to process that, too, even though she's well aware the man was with many women besides her, even during their marriage, but this is a step beyond. Also true: many years have gone by and people have a habit of carrying on with their lives. I don’t think anyone is ever ready for big change, but it comes anyway. (Pretty confident my son would be thrilled to have more kids to play with, but not everyone would see it like that. He’s simple in that way.) Cindy always said he was a good dad, and I could see that in that moment. A better dad than me, no doubt. About 98 percent of what she said about him was good. (I briefly thought of introducing myself, as I’ve wanted to meet him for years, but it was a long, hot day in the sun and I was spent.) Anyway. God led me to pray for all of them some time ago, which I’ve faithfully done. Now I can see things I didn’t understand before. So that was helpful. Not being able to talk to Cindy is very hard. I have to respect her wishes, though it opposes everything within me. I want to be in her life, but I walked away with a greater understanding of why I am waiting. If it was up to me, there would be no waiting. Also, I never imagined her ex would have my son on his camera roll. Life is weird. Can’t wait to see what happens next. I pray it’s good.
Cindy knows I’m waiting for her. I’m not waiting for anyone else. She is simultaneously classy and put together, sweet and kind with a heart for God, innocent and pure, and the most attractive woman in the world to me. On so many levels I'm in love with her. If anyone wondered why I've pursued her so long, it's quite simple. I'm not looking for someone like her. I want her and her alone. What is waiting to a heart that loves? And I should stop now so as to end my blathering.
Hope everyone is enjoying their hot-girl summer. It goes fast. Hope y’all got your watermelon and suntans. And whatever hot girls do. Don't ask me. I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My health is not good lately, so will focus on getting healthy. Not sure when my next post will drop. I leave y'all with this:
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
My Tumblr. In case you need more.
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