my careless contagion

The Vaccines released this album — What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? — in 2011. I quickly fell in love with it back then, then lost it somehow, and now own it again. I'm so glad because I fucking love this album . It brought a lot of things back to me in a way that only music can.  I was surely listening to this album a lot when I decided to leave my ex-wife initially. I had a ton of time alone (though not really free time). Always have. That's how I live. I live alone. I'm not entirely sure how other people exist without alone time. Oh, that's right. Real people have real lives, and real lives have other people in them. And, hopefully, enjoyable people. I keep forgetting that. I've posted the whole album here, though I feel the best way to listen to it is on a proper format like CD (preferably on vinyl, though). As with anything, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But, let me say, this album is beautiful to me. I'm sure all y'all are scared ...

In my dreams she's always right beside me, always touching me, holding my hand. In my dreams, she's tossing her hair in the sunlight with an impossibly wide smile on her face. Her eyes are full of passion, full of love, and full of us.  She makes love to me with her whole body and her whole soul. She lets me take her body and soul because she knows I'm careful with precious things. She breathes hot on my face and neck, and I hold her waist, her arms, her thighs, her neck, her back, her ... you get the idea.   In my dreams, she's always been mine. Our children light up our days and fill our nights with words and laughter and song. In my dreams, she has our pictures on the wall, and our house echoes with the memories we've lived.  I ache for her. Maybe she was afraid of a man loving her like this. Maybe she didn't know what to do with it. But love is a verb, and it desires, it moves, it creates, it transcends. In my dreams, my love transcends everything a...

Sunday, May 21, 2017, I was driving my pickup back from seeing the woman of my dreams. We had shared a very quick and very perfect 24 hours together. It was just us. Nothing else. And I think it surprised both of us by how good it was. We didn't do anything special. We went out to eat. We went to the high school track and walked around it a few times, talking. We reminisced. We kissed. It felt completely natural and relaxed.  On May 27, 2017, she started pushing back. It was such a short time period between those two events. One must have caused the other. What looked like rejection and betrayal to me was something else, something I don't have room to go into here. Clearly, what happened hurt, but it's all gone now, washed under the bridge. I've decided to rename my feelings and change my perspective, which has been extremely helpful and healing.  So, whatever it was, it doesn't matter now. Life goes on and we have to, too. While my conscience is clear and ...

Oh, Taylor. I don't love you, but I sure do love some of your songs. Red is one of those songs.  Red is another perfect summation of a relationship no-go. While the relationship is clearly no more, it's also not over. That doesn't make any sense, but, then again, it does. There's just something about some people that ... sticks. They stick in your head and your heart. They're just there. Forever. I have one of those people in me. Society has a lot of names for this kind of situation (infatuation? dangerous obsession?), but I don't think any of those names are true and real. And they're all seeking to name something without knowing it. From the outside. I am very much in it. Or she is in me. There is nothing dangerous or wrong about how I feel. I'm stable. I'm in my right mind. I'm just in love. I think Taylor Swift does a good job when she uses colors as labels. What is red, after all? It's the color of blood, of passion. When a wom...

Last post! That wasn't so bad, was it? I'm now officially sick of myself. I bet y'all are too. 31) I like messing with people. Not all the time, of course, because that's obnoxious. At my old job, one of my favorite things to do was to tell a string of jokes about something until someone joined in. At that point, I would turn on them and act horrified, like they had gone too far. That still cracks me up. I'm pretty sure 99.9% of my humor is for my own amusement. 32) I don't remember my first time having sex at all. I just wanted to get it over with. I waited 20 years for it, but I have no recollection. Ain't that how it goes? You wait so long for something and then it's over and you don't even remember it, like cotton candy in your mouth. Furthermore, I don't know if this is a function of my bad memory or what, but I don't even remember what sex was like, period. 33) My favorite book is the Bible. After that, let's see, t...

Alright! You're halfway to the end! I'm starting to wish I was a lot younger because I don't think I can come up with 41 random facts about myself.  Also because it sucks getting old. And sometimes I forget where my keys are. 21) I love BBQ potato chips. I used to be obsessed with Jolt Cola. I have a Surge CD. Surge is a beverage that was created in the 90s. They tried to market their beverage with alternative music. I don't know how I got it, but the Surge CD was actually two CDs, the other you were supposed to give to a friend. I didn't hate anyone that much to give them the CD, though I don't know where the other CD went. These days I use a lot of stevia. Once upon a time, I actually grew stevia. It's a fascinating plant. I used to have an organic garden, so I grew a lot of cool stuff. I've always been pretty open about the food I eat. For instance, I hate kale (and a lot of other brassicas), which is strange for someone who supposedly tries t...

This is only part two of four! Hang in there! More random things about me. 11) Continuing where I left off in the last post, here's a funny thing about Mr. Hookie. His family moved from the same town my family moved from to the same town we moved to (in a different state)! He had a son in my grade. There was also a girl in our class who moved from that town to the same town we moved to! The three of us graduated together. There's a picture of us in graduation gowns. I'll respect their privacy and not post it here, though. I'm still friends with the girl, but I have lost track of the boy. Or he lost track of me. We were friends for a while, but I was a dick to him so I guess it's fair he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. 12) The town where I went to college had a telemarketing company. A lot of students worked there, as I recall. I remember receiving a call from that company, trying to sell me magazines. I was so lonely, I stayed on the line lon...

Forty-one random things about me. Because this blog isn't self-indulgent enough! Hopefully I can scrounge up 41 somewhat interesting or strange things about me — one for each year I've been alive. Considering how boring my life is, this may be a challenge!  1) The first crush I had on a girl was Kristin Braley (above). She was my babysitter's daughter, a year older than me, and a lot of fun. She taught me to eat my boogers. We played with sandstone in her backyard, grinding it to dust. I said I would marry her. She was also a tomboy and had freckles, which is probably why I still like girls with freckles to this day. The last photo I have of her she was about 15 years old, but I have no idea what became of her.  2) When I was very young, my imaginary friend was Mickey Mouse. After school, I went down to the office where my parents worked. In the basement behind a partition, they had set up a cot for me. It was the darkest, scariest place conceivable for a ch...

She has eyes that have captured my soul her fingertips trace my bones like they are her home when I wake I am alone and the world out there is still turning though my world is dead That girl knows sex is like dying a little be careful who you choose  to die with tonight you may never rise again When I think about her I see her as a painting painted in a happy moment by the saddest, deadest artist who swore he'd never paint again What he did with her is nothing short of a masterpiece nothing short of a miracle after heaven ran out of them she's perfect like that, though frozen in time When the lights go out tonight I'll see her again though like a dewy dream she'll evaporate again That girl knows sex is like dying a little she didn't want to die with me that's why I always painted her with her clothes on In the new morning's disappointment I'll remember her as I say my prayers and maybe she'll think of me ...

I've walked through 600 miles of pain so much was said and done I don't even remember my name I retraced my steps down to the river  where I watched her lifeless body float away, forever away and by the railroad tracks where I drank in my car and broke my empties on the hollow moon, his eyes sadder than mine I fled from everywhere just so I could breathe but the places I found strangled me just the same It seems the blows keep coming like a metronome keeping time The stars shine down on my madness tonight what I've done I cannot undo my apologies flow like a river and it will never be enough to save them from what I've done or save me from this bitter, seeping wound Precious things and precious people I'm not allowed to have they slip like sand through these slick hands What makes you roar, son is what keeps you alive then, sir, it's pain and hate and rejection and trauma and suffering flowing in my veins no wonder m...

Well, folks, I finally snapped. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.  This recent emotional breakdown was precipitated by quite a few things, things I can't get into here, but I'm writing this because something good came of it. In short, my breakdown showed me that I also had a breakthrough . Hey, I'll take the good news any way I can get it.  In the past, I've read quite a bit about trauma bonding. A little read about this can be found here . The bulleted list at the end of the article reads like a summation of my childhood as well as workplace and romantic relationships as I got older. This article is about me. I had an unusual (possibly co-dependent relationship) with my mother, and that set the stage for bad relationships later on. My father is a cruel, condescending, and cold man who physically abused me. My oldest brother was distant and aloof. My other brother was one of the meanest motherfuckers I've ever known. Oftentimes I am trigger...