Happy now


Happy Now by Zedd and Elley Duhe seems a pertinent song right now. Today was the day the woman I'm in love in told me she does not, indeed, read my blog and has not for a while. This was my singular connection to her. I guess it's just as well. The theme of this new year seems to be "back to reality."

I had hoped she would read my words and they would touch her heart. While this blog has been filled with all sorts of pain and all sorts of questions and all sorts of strivings, the posts about her kept me coming back to sit in this chair and look out this window and imagine a day no matter how far off that was happier. And I loved to think about her and write about her. As all men in love with their muse are wont to do.  

Today that reality I thought I was living turned into a joke. An unreality. A fantasy. The words of this song, especially when she says, "There's nothing left to say. So I shut my mouth," seem literally written for me at this moment. She does not want any sort of communication with me (even reading these fragile writings), so I am simply left with nothing left to say. There's a part of me that wants to keep on believing, but I think that folly has run its course. That part of me has had its say, and it has been found a liar. 

So, today, all hope died. All the words left in my heart for her were aborted, abandoned, scattered like burning money. Those words were so pure, so innocent, so naive. It hurts me so much to watch them die. 

 Will I continue to write about her? I don't know. Will the love I feel for her ever die? The answer to the second question informs the answer to the first. It's very nearly two years since she started to push back on me. Oh, I feel like such a fool. 

 I'm sorry, dear reader (I hope there's at least one of you out there). I had hoped this story would have a happy ending. Maybe it still will. Just not the ending I had hoped for. They say hope springs eternal. But how long can a man hope in only hope?

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