All of me

If John Legend (Stephens) wasn't a legend before writing this song, he certainly was after. All of Me is a classic love ballad, encompassing the many soft and sweet parts of being in love as well as the rough edges.  

Legend wrote this song about his then fiance, Chrissy Teigen, now his wife. This song has almost a billion and a half views on YouTube, which shows the power of a good love song. The reason I'm posting this video is that so many people get it wrong. We don't get what love really means. Yes, it's a great feeling. Yes, it can feel perfect at times. But that's not the whole story. 

When you love someone, you take all of them. You don't get to choose the parts you love. Love is an acceptance of the whole person, even the flaws. We all know that in our heads, but in practice, it almost never works. I'm a deeply flawed human being. I don't expect anyone to look at me and not see those flaws. When I look at the woman I love, maybe I don't see those things right away but they'll enter my mind eventually. When you put two imperfect people together, you get something flawed. No relationship is perfect. But you accept those imperfections. 

I'm a divorced man in my 40s. I accepted many imperfections in my former lover (Kate), though some were big enough to warrant ending the relationship. I looked past those things for years, though, because I loved her. Unfortunately, love isn't enough sometimes. I know she looked past my own imperfections, too, because I wasn't always the man I should have been. When it came down to the wire, our imperfections were just too much. 

Looking toward the future, I can see myself possibly falling in love again. It won't look like the love I had in the past. It will be a guarded, aware, and scared kind of love. It won't be bold, beautiful, and careless. But the same rules will apply. I will expect that person to take all of me, which will be far less than what I was once able to give. And I'll be expected to take all of her, as well, whatever she's able to give. We think, erroneously, that we have to give all that we've given in the past. No, we just have to give all that we're able to now, even if it's incomplete, with parts missing and parts damaged. 

It's been more than three-quarters of a year since the woman I loved (Cindy) said she needed space and time and silence. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done to give her those things because when you love someone, not hearing from them for months at a time is the worst possible thing you can imagine. But, when you love someone, you give them what they need, even if it doesn't make sense to you. 

This song sums up what love — real love — looks like. It can be raw. It can be hard. But it also has to be worth it. It has to have all the good stuff. I've never known a love that balances the bad stuff with the good stuff. All I've had is mostly bad stuff. I know love is about accepting flaws, too, but that's not all it is. It's about accepting the wonderful things as well. It's a balancing act that should always tip in favor of the good stuff. That kind of love is strong enough to weather the bad times. Any other love isn't worth it. Don't settle for the bad-most-of-the-time love. The bad times should be the exception, not the rule.

It's quite possible I've loved for the last time. If so, I'm glad it was her. But, if I ever get another chance to love a woman, I'll know what real love looks like. I'll be able to give her all of me. And I'll expect the same in return.