my careless contagion

Happy Now by Zedd and Elley Duhe seems a pertinent song right now. Today was the day the woman I'm in love in told me she does not, indeed, read my blog and has not for a while. This was my singular connection to her. I guess it's just as well. The theme of this new year seems to be "back to reality." I had hoped she would read my words and they would touch her heart. While this blog has been filled with all sorts of pain and all sorts of questions and all sorts of strivings, the posts about her kept me coming back to sit in this chair and look out this window and imagine a day no matter how far off that was happier. And I loved to think about her and write about her. As all men in love with their muse are wont to do.   Today that reality I thought I was living turned into a joke. An unreality. A fantasy. The words of this song, especially when she says, "There's nothing left to say. So I shut my mouth," seem literally written for me at this momen...

It's the echo of my own mind. It's the words of a friend. It's the sharp blast of winter wind in the eyes. It's waking from a lovely dream only to be thrust back into an awful reality. It's living with a decision you didn't make. It's an accident on the freeway. Your dog getting hit in the street. A miscarriage. A letter you read and discarded but wish you had back every single day. It appears to be that time, dear readers, to face reality. I've been chasing butterflies, riding unicorns into the sunset, reading fairy tales and imagining the man in the moon coming to life for too long. It's time. I hear it in the words of a friend. Sometimes it's just a gentle tug that I need to get me back on the road. Sometimes I need to be hit over the head with a map and cursed at a little. THAT WAY. Go that way, dummy.  There is a period of adjustment after the end of a relationship when one feels free. You can do anything you want! I've imagin...