my careless contagion

I sat on the floor of the top-floor apartment in Bowling Green, Ohio, I shared with my then-girlfriend and listened to this song, poring over the lyrics and staying quiet the entire 8-plus minutes, wanting only to hear the music and whatever it meant. (At the time, this song was barely more than 10 years old, as it came out in 1989.) I was drunk, but not too drunk to appreciate the sentiment. "That's a beautiful song," I said when it was over, seemingly to no one, but Mike, my then-girlfriend's friend who slept that night on the couch, heard. (I never did ask if he and her had a relationship in the past. Some things were better off not known.) And he agreed like it was always so. Yet I had just discovered it. Music no longer holds that sort of meaning for me. I'm all angst-ed out. You can say the same about pictures. I don't fetishize them either. Maybe working with photos for 7.5 years as a graphic artist and much longer as amateur photographer weaned me off ...

The Smiths' How Soon Is Now? is iconic. Check out the lyrics . Certainly not a run-of-the-mill 80s song. It came out in '84 but didn't pick up steam until later. Do the lyrics make more sense when you know Morrissey (the singer/coauthor of this song) is vegetarian (since age 11) turned vegan? No wonder so much of his music is sad and "beta," as the kids would say. (Eating meat helps men produce testosterone.) Maybe that's why I want to talk about this song. It's about longing. It's about love. It's about longing for love. Saw a license plate recently that simply said, "SIMP," which I understand.  I realized perhaps too late in life the driving force of my being was the search for love. Just wanted to be loved. Looked everywhere for it. That search was behind all major failures and was the wound that drove the most virulent sins. Little did I know there is no human love that can satisfy, and only God can love me fully and in a way that hea...

Now for some real music! Haha, okay, what is a guy who grew up on hardcore posting a euro-dance hit from the 90s? Because it's awesome!  (The kids say it slaps.) I would flip back and forth on the radio between alternative and dance in the 90s. A lot of kids were into one or the other, but I craved all of it. I love music, and this song is still a favorite. It may not be the best Real McCoy had to offer, but we all heard this back in the day and danced a little in our econobox cars on our way to the future. And here we are in the future. Some of us still remember what life was like back then. Are we where we thought we'd be all these years later?  Honestly, I didn't think I'd make it this far. Thought I would be dead. No joke. Having the opinion of a foreshortened future is a symptom of PTSD gained from childhood trauma/abuse, which I endured. Common with everyone who endured longterm trauma. So, I can't complain. Pay stubs and bandaids. Paying bills and doing dishe...

Lewis Capaldi released this song in 2019. He is afflicted by Tourette Syndrome, when a person's body has uncontrollable tics. I remember a customer at a job I worked was very nice but then he'd devolve into tics, including flipping the bird repeatedly. And then he'd be kind again. Anyway, if you look up live performances of this song, you'll see Lewis struggle to sing, then the audience sings it for him. It's rather touching, but also sad because the poor man can't even sing his own song.  Sadness should be what you feel when you hear this. That's the odd thing for me. Given my past and inability to find love (even though it was probably right in front of me), I should be overcome with some sort of emotion. I'm not. I am completely unaffected by this song, its sentiment, lyrics, music, etc. It's a well-crafted song, though I feel nothing. Perhaps the fact that it says, "used to being someone you loved" instead of something like "someon...

Holiday Road is synonymous with the National Lampoon movies, as it was was created for the original film's soundtrack and ended up on the rest. I recall watching the original couple movies as a kid. They were a bit raunchy, but I'm sure some of that was edited out, as we watched on network TV. I wouldn't let my kid watch them today. How times change.  No one cared what we did back then. Maybe should just speak for myself. Did anyone even know what we were doing? Generation X is sort of the lost generation, sons and daughters of Baby Boomers who were busy enjoying their lives and ignoring the fact they had kids. I was a latch-key kid, independent and resourceful. As I got older, I realized I missed out on a lot by being raised that way. How would I have turned out had I had a loving, tight family instead of being raised by wolves?  It's not that my family didn't love me, it's just that they erased that love with their harsh words and behavior. I am a strong perso...

My favorite dog (a chihuahua) on TikTok recently passed away. I was filled with grief for the little creature and her people. Dogs mean a lot to mankind, and have for eons. They are wonderful animals, and earned the distinction "man's best friend" for a reason. We all know that. Here are some conclusions I came to about dogs, and there is a human application, as well, if you're so inclined.  For my work, I'm often in people's backyards, so naturally meet a lot of dogs. I think about them a lot. One principle is people's perception of their animals versus a stranger's perception. How many times was I told, "Oh, he's nice," only to have a dog attempt to tear me limb from limb? There is a dichotomy in that. Dogs are a protective force, fierce when protecting their people. It's their job. Always was, though we don't need them much for that anymore. They are loyal and gentle with their own but brutal toward outsiders. I qualify as an o...

Hang on. This may be a rambling, sprawling, insipid post. I'm sick and about to dig into some Theraflu. Normally, I don't stay sick for long and bounce back quickly, but whatever this is took hold and continues to waste me week after week. I need someone to take care of me. So, this post may not make a whole lot of sense. Or it may be brilliant and you will give a standing ovation! Insert wacky emoji here. Regardless, I plan on feeling good momentarily. Got my heater on my feet. Got myself looking out a window at the sunshine. Let's go. I say I'm sick, but I'm not laid up in bed. I'm quite well enough to do everything I need to do and many things I want to do. But it's also clear it's gone on too long and avenues to fix it elude me. It may have a psychological basis, but I also can't figure that out. So I gave the situation to God. I'll be fine.  Thunderclouds is not a new song, but it is fairly recent. LSD is considered a supergroup of talented,...

About a week ago, my dear Inky left us. She was the only pet I called my own except for a turtle (Scooter) I had when I was growing up. He disappeared under mysterious circumstances. One of my brothers later admitted he dispatched poor Scooter. I never understood his cruelty, and I feel there is a family-line curse of cruelty. All the men in my family and even some of the women have that trait, though it manifests often when they don't realize it. Which is worse, when you think of it. I tried to expunge myself of that trait over the years. Only God knows if I was successful.  Haven't had good luck with pets. And it's always sad when they leave. So, that explains my reluctance to get a dog or something. A dog would be the best bet, as I hear they are man's best friend. And I could sure use a friend.  Back to Inky. There were a few things I wanted to talk about regarding her passing. I felt God answered my prayers about the timing of her passing. I left it in His hands in...

Before I begin, let it be known I was into Creedence Clearwater Revival before I saw The Big Lebowski. Anyone who saw that movie knows The Dude loves CCR. With that out of the way, let us begin.  I love John Fogerty's voice. It was a perfect fit for its time, and it still resonates. The songs are actual songs, and not the nonsense on popular radio now. This is beyond oldies (people are calling music from the 2000s oldies now). There is a deep humanity in this music. Okay, so this song came out in 1971, so why does it have a video? No such thing was done at that time. Certainly not by CCR. This is something my mom would have listened to, so why am I discussing it? I read a bit about the meaning of this song from Wikipedia and it struck me how some people aren't happy with everything they've worked for, even if it surpasses their wildest dreams and expectations. It makes no sense, and it brings to mind passages from Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. Anyway, here is what it said.  ...