my careless contagion

This post will no doubt raise a few eyebrows. But, I discuss my theories here sometimes, so bear with me. Believe whatever you want to believe.  My God is a jealous God. I went the other way from Him most of my life, only to be brought back. My God jealously fought for me and sought me out, and put me into situations He knew would crush my resolve to lead a life He could not bless. Eventually, I ran back to Him, mostly because He took away all other choices!  I gave my life to God when I was 15. I don't mean that I accepted Jesus as my savior then; I did that when I was a little boy and many times, actually. I mean I gave my entire life , every second, every moment, every breath to God. It was a promise I made. Then I rescinded it and did my own thing because following God is hard . But God didn't forget my promise, and that's why He chased me so zealously in the intervening years. I put a lot of idols in my heart in that time (really, anything that prevented me from...

This article. I read this at work and wanted to bawl. Go ahead and read it. It's about an old, married couple who died 33 hours apart. When you've been married 68 years and grew up together, being without that person feels like dying anyway. So when they leave for good, you follow them too. This story really touched me, so I'm sharing it. They were one person. I think that's rare in this world, at least it is now. Everyone has their own agenda now. Theirs is the kind of relationship I wanted, and now I'm staring at a future that is very lonely. Staying with one person — that one person who makes you feel alive and complete and happy your whole life — that's what I wanted. Yes, I know there are hard times, you don't have to tell me that, but how you feel about that person doesn't change. That's special. I feel my life has been incredibly unfair and unkind. I try not to complain, but, still, it's there in front of me. And, on top of that, I...

I'm an author. It's official. It's not a best-seller. I published one book — literally one book. Call it a limited run. It's definitely a limited edition copy. The person who now owns the book is the one named in the title. And, yes, that's a picture of the book cover (minus my name). There is another book by this title out there. I'd like to say they stole the title from me, but I fear it's the other way around. I started working on the book in July, finished it, and sent the pdfs to the printer, which shipped me the book in August. I planned to send it to the girl on her birthday, and thankfully that worked out. Needless to say, it was hard to hold onto it for such a long time. And, after it was clear our relationship was over a long time ago, I still wanted her to have it. Now it functions as a memorial of what we had. Or, at least, what I had, and still have in my heart for her. No, I wasn't trying to win her back. I wasn't trying to do anyt...

This would be accurate if I had friends. Or a friend. I've begun to see myself as a rescue dog. Bear with me. This actually makes sense. No, I'm not an actual dog, but I do bear a lot of the same scars and history as an abused dog that finds a new home (which I haven't yet, but I'm trying). Add to that some of my behaviors and vulnerabilities, and it's really the same challenges a rescue dog has. Apparently, trauma translates well across species. Normally, I wouldn't joke about suicide, so I won't. I'm not joking. It's been something I've wanted to do most of my life, say, 35 years. People always gang up on those who take their own lives, saying they're not thinking of those they leave behind. You're absolutely right; they're not thinking of anyone but themselves. Imagine pain so intense, pervasive, and constant the only plausible solution is taking one's life. You cannot see beyond that kind of pain to anyone else's po...

This is another post from this summer I neglected to actually post. I don't know why I held back on this one. It's kinda dumb. Maybe that's why. That's a great introduction. So, enjoy! Oh, also, I think there's at least one more from this summer I haven't posted. The last one I think I'll post next year since it feels like a proper middle finger to this year, which felt like reality intruded a little too much. An added note of import: I have prayed about my son's babysitting situation since he was probably one year old. I've never taken it out of my prayers, in fact. When my son's latest babysitter announced her impending retirement, it wasn't much of a shock. It was the fourth time we lost a babysitter. And there is only one person we know who had openings. Sometimes God makes our decisions easy. One choice. I'm probably not smart enough to make a decision with more than one choice, so that's good. Okay, problem solved. Only it...

This is another one of the posts from this summer I neglected to post until now. Originally, it was two parts, but I failed to finish the second part, so I will delete that. It didn't say anything that hasn't been adequately said already. I know the girl I'm writing about would probably disagree with what I've said here, but we're both adults and I'm allowed to think what I want. She will always be my measuring stick for females. The proverbial dust has settled. I left a relationship and another relationship left me. When you can't have what you want — and that's all you really want — then it's useless to ask what you can have instead. But, let's say I could create my own dream girl. What kind of girl would I create? Well, Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, of course. Except she could squash me like a bug. Okay, definitely not Wonder Woman then.  The best I can come up with is this: I am looking for a woman with a curio...

I wrote this post this summer but didn't post it, obviously. I edited it a tiny bit to take out the most negative things. I guess it's okay to post it now, just for my own record. I was still holding on to something. What it was, I don't know. Yes, I believe God told me something two years ago about being with Cindy, but maybe I had to let go of that original relationship first before something legitimate could take its place. Or maybe I just love with foolish abandon. Maybe both.  Anyway, here's a post I neglected to post 5 or 6 months ago. Maybe I should post all my neglected drafts since everything is over. Then I can write love letters again since that's all I seem to want to do anyway. Get the disappointment out of the way and just write what you want, Joshua. Write about how much you love that girl. There's nothing to lose anymore. It's already been lost. There's a verse in Matthew (6:21) that says where your treasure is, there will your hear...

All this time I've been looking at the wind and the waves (which are furious, sure), but I should have had my eyes on Jesus Christ. God perhaps put in my mind the beginning of a poem called "You bid me," which relates to the story of Peter walking on water. I tried to finish it the best I could. Matthew 14:28-31 28  And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. 29  And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. 30  But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. 31  And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? You bid me I wouldn't have come this far had you not bid me I wouldn't have these scars had you not healed me I'm so far from everything I've ever known and I've done i...

Tim Mcgraw's song  Just to See You Smile  speaks to me. Or, perhaps, it speaks for me. It says what my heart says. Except for the first verse, that is. I've never been to Amarillo.  I would truly do anything to see that girl smile. Her smile lights up the room, sets a fire in my heart, gives me goosebumps, makes me forget all my years of heartache.  Some may say it's sad when you're not what someone wants. I could comment on that, but I won't. I've said so much about that girl, there really isn't anything left to say. I would have moved to her town already — just for the chance to see her once in a while — if I wasn't positive the very thought of that would terrify her. And if she had only put a fraction of the effort into me as she did her ex, I would have asked to marry her by now. Yes, that's surely even more terrifying to her. But, in the end, it didn't matter what I did, and it didn't matter what he did. I could do no right, and h...