my careless contagion

It's possible to relive your life in your head so many times you forget how things actually happened. It's possible to imagine so many scenarios that fix things you actually start to believe they would have made a difference. You know, we all have that fork-in-the-road moment we look back on. Do we really believe things would have turned out differently if we had gone the other route? Is life really just a choose-your-own-adventure book?  Right now, I'm imagining that I'm actually at that fork in the road, but I can take many different paths this time. I must choose wisely because the rest of my life depends on this moment.  My heart will always choose her. My body is old and tired, sometimes recalcitrant, and in many ways not what it used to be. Not even close. But, I imagine my body will follow my heart. My brain is on board, though it does not understand the unseen hand among us.  As much as my own journey was inevitable, do I believe that yours was a...

This song and these lyrics have haunted my thoughts for years. Let's put aside the fact I once thought Lights (originally Valerie Poxleitner) was very attractive. If that's all this post was about, I wouldn't bother. I find her just plain weird these days, but that's beside the point. This song is not about driving a Kia Soul, although that thought has crossed my mind. It would have been a strange song to use in a car commercial, but I might be a proud owner of a Kia right now if that had been the case.  What I once thought was a silly, cute little song has stuck in my head and heart way too long to just brush it aside once more. There's something here I need to talk about.  When you live with someone for a number of years, you begin to identify with them in little ways. Then the little ways become big ways. They talk about you and you talk about them, and it's like you disappear. You're into them to the point that you actually do sometimes di...

Sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind, but I tell myself I'm doing just fine. There are so many people hurting in this world; who am I to complain?  I used to blow through my day, drink beer, have sex, fall asleep, and do it again the next day. My line was always, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." I lived hard. I was brutal. I was mean. Who was harder than me? I was like a diamond phallus cutting holes in the sky, scraping big F-offs in the pristine, white clouds. I didn't just burn my candle at both ends, I broke the candle in half and lit both ends of the halves. My goal, it seemed, was to rampage through a short but chaotic life. I chose my chemicals, and then my chemicals chose me.   Something told me I had to change. I kept hearing that voice. My reply was always, "I'm doing just fine." When I blew out my knee, I made like it was nothing at all. When I stopped sleeping altogether, I started to worry. When I would l...

Having the body of a Greek god, apparently, meant having a small penis, as large penises were reserved for unsavory characters like satyrs. More on this: http://www.howtotalkaboutarthistory.com/reader-questions/why-do-all-old-statues-have-such-small-penises/   A small problem This one is deeply personal, and, often, a taboo subject. I'm putting it here where no one will read it because, well, I don't want anyone to read it. Why do I have a blog which no one (except maybe one person) reads? Therapy. This article explains how writing has helped me: https://medium.com/the- mission/how-to-become-more- self-aware-in-under-20- minutes-968268c53ffd I have a small problem with my "manhood." I'm older now, so maybe that's the reason why. I feel like I've experienced a tremendous drop in testosterone over the last year or so. Confidence has plunged. I've heard it said that the first thing that happens when you try to upgrade your life (whi...

I printed a picture of us that was taken almost a year and a half ago. Pretty soon it will be two years since we reconnected and started talking. Time flies when you're madly in love with someone. I'll put the picture somewhere. Maybe by my bed, maybe by my desk. I just want to remember you and that day with you that was so perfect. If only I'd made you mine when I could have, we would have had so many perfect days together.  I always thought she was special, and I always thought highly of her. She's made of something different. Other women simply don't compare. She's a rare thing, a thing of beauty. Every single day I count myself blessed she made a meteor strike in my heart, a great cavern in my chest. When she tore into me, I knew I'd never be the same. And I never want to go back to what I was like before. I've seen true beauty, and I cannot forget it. I felt things for her I never thought I'd feel. I saw things in her I never ...

My white bears (hastily scrawled): 1) End up alone 2) Angry 3) Defeated 4) Paralyzed 5) Drinking 6) Twisted up (whatever that means) 7) Suicide I read an article a few months ago about facing your white bears, which are unwanted thoughts (a bit more:  http://www.apa.org/monitor/ 2011/10/unwanted-thoughts.aspx ), often worst-case scenarios. The idea of writing them down is thought to be helpful because once you put these things in front of you, you can take them apart. By taking them apart, you realize these are things you've either previously dealt with or are figureoutable. Once you say them or write them down, you realize these are common problems and you already have the tools to deal with them. In essence, they become smaller on paper than in your mind.  When I got divorced, I was faced with a variety of fears and uncertainties. I wrote down the seven scariest. I've already experienced the top four. Number six, I suppose, means that my inside...

You must be very special because you've found your way into my life. I've prayed that you'd be special; I've prayed that we'd be good for each other in ways we never expected.  I know your heart is set on God, as is mine. I don't want to walk through life with anyone who isn't looking to the same source, whose heart is not set on Him. A three-fold cord is not easily broken.  Some things you need to know: there will be times when you see things in me that startle you. There are battle scars and broken bones that have healed askew. My mind has deliberately hidden things from me, things I don't ever need to remember. Sometimes the act of forgetting makes its way to the rest of me, and I'm sorry about that.  If you look inside me, you'll have to prepare yourself first. There are so many good things I will give to you. There are so many things I have to keep to myself. You'll be angry at me for this sometimes, but it's for t...

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If my math is correct, then a thousand pictures are worth a million words.  This woman I had a brief relationship (or whatever you want to call it) with, showed me hundreds, if not a thousand, pictures of her family going back decades. It's fascinating. I can't look at them anymore, but for a while, I pored over them. The last time I looked at them in any depth was December, and that's when I had a breakdown.  Pictures tell stories. Pictures record events. Pictures always say something, even if the characters are trying not to. Something is always conveyed. To the people in the photograph, it may not even be obvious, but it's always there.  Some of those photos are seared in my brain. I don't have to look at them anymore because they'll never leave me. Was she trying to make me jealous? I don't think so. Still, I was jealous looking at those photos. She, her husband, and two children look natural ...

    I've said so many things about your cruelness toward me. Unfortunately, all of those things are true. You do not deny them. You have an exoskeleton on you that's as tough as nails. It's hard to get to you admit anything; you resist like no other woman I've ever seen. Your stubborn streak is famous. I can speak endlessly of our Great Disappointment, our lives together. But for me to continue in truth and to say goodbye in peace, I must say goodbye to both the good and the bad. You were so good for me in so many ways. We were so good for each other. You were the little girl lost, and I was the one who found you. You quit smoking pot soon after we started talking because that was the effect I had on you. You accepted Jesus as your Savior because I led you in that direction (not so gently, I might add; I was apt to rush things in those days).  You taught me that 11:11 meant make a wish, and I wished I was there with you. All of our conversations were leadin...

I don't know whether to count myself lucky or consider myself cursed after having lost such an amazing woman for the second time in my life. Most people don't get a second chance, so I suppose I should consider myself lucky. I don't feel very lucky. The sting of the first time's rejection propelled me into the worst relationship of my life. I have to be careful that the same thing doesn't happen again. It would be a tragedy I cannot afford at this point in my life. I've learned a few things about myself after being (seemingly) rejected by the same woman twice. We all have a script we use to get through life. If our script never changes, we tend to make the same mistakes repeatedly, regardless of the characters or scenery. That's why we choose the same types of people to populate our lives. Even though the faces and names change, the results are the same. I've learned that my script is deeply flawed and that it's extremely hard to change...