my careless contagion

The day was hot, hotter than usual. My mind was running so fast for so long, time got away from me. I found myself driving away from everything and straight to your beckoning shores. Lucky to find a space, I parked, pausing to catch my breath, my heart beating fast with anticipation. Quickly, I walked to the sandy shore. Some were sunbathing. Kids laughed in the water. A mother closely watched her toddler in the shallow water. Finding a bare spot on the sand, I emptied my pockets, wrapped everything in my shirt, laying it by my shoes.  I desperately want to see you, feel you, jump into you like the waters spreading before me. Without thinking, I ran into the surf, a childlike smile spreading across my face, until my knees couldn't clear the surface. Diving in, I felt the full embrace of your waters, tasted the salinity of your warm waves, and darted back to the surface where I opened my eyes wide at the big, blue sky. I was in you, and all the way.  Sometimes I ache for you, w...

The movie I Still Believe (2020) is important for a few reasons. It highlights things every Christian goes through if they follow the Lord. You will have loss. You will have questions. You will be broken. If you are following God but haven't experienced those yet, don't let my words deter you. It is worth it, dear, if you let God redeem those moments. And it will make sense someday. I rewatched the movie recently, this time with my son. The first time I watched, I was house-sitting for the woman I wrote about so much on this blog, the one who decided to exit my life last year for good and forever. When I watched it the first time, I had the thought God might allow the same sort of thing to happen to me with the thing I loved the most in this world, just as he did Jeremy Camp, who lost his wife to cancer. To watch the movie again was surreal, as it took me back to that moment. What transpired since that evening roughly two years ago when I relaxed with the family dog in the liv...

You, me, and the sea. I feel you there at the shore, like you are waves lapping at the sand, sometimes quietly, other times more insistent. There is a power in you, drawing me back, making me stay, causing me to sit and stare out over you. Imagining you. Conjuring you. Your colors are emeralds and blues of various hues, and a depth that recedes into the darkest water. I like to meet you in the newness of morning. When I walk up to your edge, your warm waters welcome, then dare me to step in further. I comply until I am in over my head and you are salty on my lips, dripping off my eyelashes and running down my face. Submerged in you, I smile at the sky.  I met you in the year that was my worst, yet you made it worthwhile. There was a golden quality to you, like the sparkle in a child's eyes undimmed by the world. It was like looking at the sun. I had to close my eyes. Life intrudes, but I was drawn back to your shore. The air is different with you. The sky is bigger. The light brigh...

In all my years and in all my thinking about the woman I would someday meet, I never knew she would be as amazing as you. Had I known, I would have abandoned fantasies and dead ends, sought you in every street and every avenue. Had I known you’d have such captivating green eyes, I would have shunned the gaze of so many women. Had I known you’d come to me, I would have waited patiently.  I never knew you’d come from so far away, that you’d have so much love and passion to give. I never knew your kisses would be so tender, your mind so dirty, your body so fit, your mind even fitter.  I never knew you’d be a petite brunette minx who would make me laugh more than anyone else, who would always turn a bad day around. I never knew how quickly you would capture my restless heart and flood my soul with hope. I didn’t know you would appear during the worst year of my life, shining light in my darkest hour.  I never knew I’d fall in love so fast and so hard, when I thought falling i...

You don't have to watch the movie Blade Runner 2049 to know who the character Joi is. In case you don't, Joi is an AI hologram girlfriend of the main character, K. This movie is the sequel to the original Blade Runner (1982) with Harrison Ford, who seems to be spending his golden years reviving franchises he made legendary. The Blade Runner movies' inspiration was Philip K. Dick's book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? But, what I want to focus on is the planned obsolesce of male-female relationships, which Joi represents. There's even a scene where K's connection with Joi is the only way he can have sex with a real girl. (Joi's hologram overlaps the girl.) That represents a lot: porn, fantasy, conflation, AI, whatever. It's impossible to have a relationship with a real woman without an intermediary.  There's more going on with AI, but I want to look at how it applies to men and women specifically. It's a dumpster fire out there, if you're...

Someone wondered aloud how a follower of Christ could be so continually a mess. It resonated. My life is that way. I can account for the years when I went away from God by saying, "It's on me." Much of what I endured was my fault. What about the rest? People look at a Christian's life and wonder why they would want to endure that kind of hardship. Hardships abound, no matter what. If you haven't tasted of it yet, you will. An unmolested life isn't what you think it is. It's God's mercy, giving you time and space to repent. All He has to do is take His hand away and you're in Job's position. Come to think of it, Job's wicked counselor "friends" said the same thing as the sentiment above. They said, "If you do well, your life will go well." Job was a righteous man, so why did he deserve what he went through? He lost literally everything (except his wife, but my guess is she went away too, for a time). Don't get me wron...

Sia's Elastic Heart. If you haven't listened for a while, take a moment. I'll wait. The lyrics, according to Wikipedia, "address 'the overwhelming strength Sia needed to convince herself that life was worth living after coming out of a crushing relationship.'" It is for that reason I post it.  You say, "Hey, I thought we weren't looking back anymore." Correct. We aren't looking back. It was this week I admitted I am healthy emotionally again. (Even said as much.) It's been a long time since I felt this good. It dawned on me. I'm not running. I'm not hiding. God did something in all that chaos. I feel closer to integration after more than a year of dissociation.  Yes, something broke, but my heart is free and intact. My heart doesn't belong to anyone, nor do I need to give it to anyone. If anything happens from this day forward, it comes from a place of health and security.  The song came out in 2013. As for the video, it w...

Someone pointed out that King David and Bathsheba had several children after they were married, one of whom was named Nathan. If you remember the story of when David was confronted about his adulterous affair with Bathsheba, you know that's also the name of the prophet who delivered the resounding report on David's illict activities: "Thou art the man."  You wonder why David and Bathsheba would name one of their children after the man who exposed their affair (as if everyone didn't already know)? It is because of King David's heart, a heart unlike any other in scripture. God loved David so much He sent His son through his lineage (Solomon, who also came from his union with Bathsheba). Why? He was a man after God's own heart. And we see that heart in action when he named one of his sons after the man who doubtless saved his life by reconciling him with God before it was too late.  I find David easy to study because he made monumental mistakes. That resonate...

Just Say Thanks: Cultivating Gratitude Deepens Intimacy With God is a book by R.T. Kendall, published in 2005. On one of my last walks in Nebraska, I found it in one of those neighborhood lending libraries common in white-people places (19th Ave and 41st St., I think). When I saw the title, I knew it was for me, because God was impressing the importance of giving praise and thanks in all circumstances. It was like it was placed there for me. People often wonder what God's voice sounds like. Well, it's like a strong thought, and it aligns with the Word. (Not all strong thoughts are aligned.) It takes some practice to hear it properly, but once you are attuned and trust it's Him, it becomes easier.  Anyway, praise and thanks in all circumstances. I was following through with doing so, even though I didn't feel thankful. It's good when our feelings are in line with what we're doing, but it's not always possible. Praise and giving of thanks is an act of our will...

This is a goodbye, and a hello. This will likely be my last post containing certain themes. It's not that I haven't let go. It's that some things still affect me. In all these things, my choice was to make things work. It was only with great reluctance that I was made to let go. I approached every relationship with kindness and patience. This isn't about healing. I will heal the rest of my life. Letting go is different. I had to try everything — and fail — first. It's a story that repeated. I was more than intentional. I showed up. I loved, was pushed away, and died over and over. Finally, I let go.  They say if a writer falls in love with you, you never die.  The last thing I remember was her small frame standing in the doorway crying. Fade Into You was playing from the turntable. The blonde girl walking on the dark street was so drunk, but when she saw me standing in the Ohio drizzle that night with nothing but the sodium lights illuminating us, she said something...