Daydreaming

 

Sometimes I daydream about her. Oh, perhaps sometimes isn't the right word. I daydream about her often. She will never know the lovely things I conjure for us. She wouldn't understand anyway. I built a whole life for us there on the other side of the wall. The wall will always be there, but so will my dreams about her. 

When you love a woman who is far away, somehow, some way, you find a way to be with her. It may seem like madness to some, but they live only on one side of the wall. Never do they cross over. Me, I'd like to live on the other side where the dreams live. My body is here, so I always have to come back. 

Sometimes I see her walking with me. On a beach in the sun. On a sidewalk lit by streetlamp at twilight. Down the hallway to the bedroom. She is beautiful. And I am damned to eternal longing. She is gone, so far away, and I am lost in dreams. Sometimes, when I walk alone, I talk to her like she hears me. But she doesn't. No one is there to hear me. My heart still beats for her with tenderness. My head still swims with thoughts of her. I know how all of this sounds. Trust me. I know. But I see no end in sight. I made myself busy to forget her, but there is no forgetting. The more I push the thoughts away, the more they overtake me in my dreams.

She is gone. More gone than I am here. I hung on, pleaded with the stars and the moon and God above to rescue me from this duality. Maybe I'm just obsessed, unhinged, stubborn, unable to do what others seem to so easily do — let go. I wake and run to her. I sleep and my dreams are of her. I walk for hours sometimes just to get away from my thoughts, but my thoughts always return to her. Like shadows, they are never far away. Just as the sun rises. Just as the seasons change. True as anything in this world, that's how I love her. 

They call people like me tragic characters because we can't change. Is it so tragic to love a woman until you die? I may have made mistakes in my life, but this is not one of them. All men should be so lucky to love a woman like her with undying affection. The only one luckier than me is the man who holds her. Still, he will never out-love this love. 

We fear being alone for unknown reasons. I do not fear it. I spent most of my life alone. What I fear is settling for something. I'd rather be alone than settle. And so it is settled for me. This is what my life will be unless God rescues me, unless He guides me back to the other side of the wall where my body waits in agony for her. Unless He seals off the other side forever, I am determined to meet her there on the other side.

So, this is it, you see. This is it for me. She is the love of my life. She said no twice (waiting on the third). But it never mattered what she said. I knew she was all I wanted, whether she wanted me or not. I already tried to go on and live without her. I won't do it again. If she's not mine, she's simply not mine. I can't make her mine. But I can choose who I love, and I love her to the end of my life. You don't just walk away from the love of your life. Yes, I am a tragic character if you choose to see it that way. But I don't. 

Though it began all wrong, I thank God for her. I thank Him all the time He let me know her for a time, to see her strengths and weaknesses, to feel her breath on my face, to hold her hand, to know her thoughts and feelings, to feel her heartbeat next to mine, to imagine us facing an unknown future together walking side by side. I thanked God even though He took her from me. I will thank Him the rest of my life for the brief moment I thought she was mine. Though this whole story is over, my love for her is not. My love story has no end. I am changed by her. Though I begged God to change me again, He has not. 

Daydreams end just like our short lives. But dreams, like life, teach us things. They tell us it is okay to want and desire and perspire when you think of her. They say it's okay to hang on to something that was too good to be true. Though the flesh is weak, desire is strong, strong enough to last a lifetime. Dreams tell us anything is possible. And, sometimes, dreams come true.

Thank you for reading. God bless.

***

In a recent post which I did not actually post, I wrote a bit about what it is like living with PTSD, how I likened it to doing everything that everyone else does but with a 100-lb. pack on my back. The last few years, I charged hard after things that didn't work out. Life — and love — humbled me in every way imaginable. I am a shadow of my former self, unable to reconcile the old me with the man who exists today. In retrospect, I was wrong about many things. Older and wiser. All that jazz. But it doesn't matter anymore what I learned. I lost everything. Today, I sit here very tired and wondering what is next. What is the next thing I'm so sure will work that won't? What is the next wall I will run into? So, I submit all my plans to God. Surely, He won't lead me astray, though it may feel like that for a while. It is helpful for me to see each day not as an end (though it often feels like one) but, rather, as a part of the journey, a journey which often cannot be analyzed until it is done. Though it may sometimes feel like a waste of time and energy (energy which I don't really have), I am invested in learning and growing and walking with God. Someday all of this will make sense. I just have to be faithful to continue walking with God. Honestly, I don't feel I have any other choice. Where else would I go?