my careless contagion

Horrified with a start, I woke it was so early in the morning but I was wide awake You were running through my dreams again and I had no defense but this time was different a voice made me sit up in bed It was that precise moment when everything coalesced when it all made sense when I was left with no more questions That voice told me I would always love you no way around it no end in sight I wish I could stop it would make this easier it would make not having you not nearly as bad But I love you hopelessly, dreadfully stupidly, more powerfully than any love I've known It seems so cruel to love someone so much and they are so far away always out of reach My words drop to the floor nowhere to go my thoughts run out the door to you but always return I'm happy, though because I know I love you and I always will no one compares No one can take my love away not even me, it seems so co...

*I loved this album by The Killers when it came out. The whole album -- their first -- reminded me of the music during the 80s, which was more interesting than so much that was on the radio in 2004. The keyboards were a dead giveaway that they were paying homage to some of the 80s sounds. I still like this song. Unfortunately, my mind goes to a dark place when I hear it. It's me trying to put a spin on a bad situation, a bad relationship, bad memories. Sitting here now, I realize that I waited much too long to extract myself from that relationship, that it did permanent, irreparable damage to my self-esteem which was already low.  I shouldn't have understood this song as well as I did. I got the jealousy part, although I didn't recognize it as jealousy. I was in a relationship where I just couldn't have the girl in her totality; she always belonged to someone else as much or more than me. There were always men she was involved with (and sometimes girls). I was si...

    It was a one-two punch mourning the loss of two girls at once some days it felt like the pain would last forever I'm better now at least, some days I am I cry a lot: when I'm alone in my apartment when I've driving when I read books when I watch movies sometimes at work if I can hurry away in time always before I fall asleep and sometimes when I wake up I've lost everything hit rock bottom have wallowed in it have swallowed it become it I don't know why I persist I guess because I'm the only one who can live this life someone has to do it Is it true what they say when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up? Now is when I find out.

    Driving somewhere driving nowhere driven to distraction driven just to drive My constant companion my radio sings the sweetest songs and other ones too The songs help me remember and help me forget Just when I think I've forgotten she cuts through me – with a gasp – she's got me again Riding through my thoughts without a thought she cuts through my skin like it's paper I could argue that she never leaves me she's always in my head but there are moments when she has her way with me If I could make her mine I would If there was any way I would do it I had to let her go but she won't let go of me in the night and all day long It's like she's embedded in every single thought and when I drive she's in every single song.

I broke something I can't fix It's gone beyond my little world like cracks on a windscreen they've spread to you and those you love the most It's permanent like a stain it eats at me like acid rain My face in the mirror can no longer hide it I look away My hands are busy but my heart is hurting I can't help what I've done Not now anyway If I had a way to repair all of this I would rise up this moment feel for those cracks spread out to you and mend them There's an unspeakable pain I've sent into your world an unspeakable sin I've spawned because I wanted too much If I could go back to the moment I made that decision to let you into my dying world I would have kept that door closed Whatever befalls me will befall me this I'm certain but I've touched your life with my careless contagion like some sort of dead man walking I've contaminated hearts and minds foreve...

*Generator, from the album of the same name (released in 1992) by Bad Religion, is one of my favorite Bad Religion songs. Of course, if you were to ask me what my favorite Bad Religion song was when I was in high school, I would have said, "Whichever one I'm listening to right now." Honest, sure, but a pointless answer.  If I'm going to talk about the most influential band in my life, then I have to find a starting point.  I was in an accident during my junior year of high school. While coming back from pheasant hunting with my brother, I slid off an icy road after applying my brakes. My brother Jon wasn't wearing a seatbelt. I was. My little Honda turned sideways and went off the road on the opposite side. If there had been an oncoming car, we would have been toast. Fortunately, we simply rolled onto our top in a ditch. I was suspended upside-down in my seat, flailing about (like a bat, Jon said) trying to "eject" myself. Once I found my se...

*My dad had surgery again yesterday. It's his second rotator cuff surgery. It seems like he's always going under the knife. And it seems like any time could be his last. I know none of us really know for sure when we're going to go. But, I will be very sad to see my dad go when it's time. This song reminds me of my relationship with my father. Does my father truly hate me? Ninety-nine percent of the time it seems like it. The other one percent is more like ambivalence. Honestly, he has never understood me, not even when I was a little boy sitting on his lap watching TV. We tend to dislike things we don't understand, and, I guess, I was no exception for my father. As the youngest of three boys, I found my own interests, even though I tried to do just as well as my brothers in things like sports and school. I wasn't the athlete they were, but I was much smarter than either of them. Sadly, my dad never recognized this fact. And, the fact that nothing ever beca...

*"Can't Hardly Wait" by The Replacements. I love this song. It's grammatically incorrect, but that doesn't seem to bother me. It was included on the soundtrack of the 1998 movie of the same name starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. If you've watched a fair number of movies set in high school, you're aware of certain tropes that exist. There's one that I call "That Girl." You know the girl, the one the (usually) shy guy wants to be with. She's amazing; she's out of his league. She's that girl, the one he's pined for forever. She's the one who can elevate his life in ways he can't even imagine. It could change the whole course of his life if he could just get that girl. Somehow, mustering up the courage or doing whatever is necessary to get that girl would change him from being a loser who nobody knows into somebody. My "That Girl" got away, and I let her get away. The year was 1996. It was one of the most...

*When Face to Face released "Ignorance is Bliss" in 1999, they bundled it with a little album called "So Why Aren't You Happy?", and these two albums had a polarizing effect on their audience that effectively killed the band. As Trevor Keith, the singer of the band, explained, without recording the albums, they would have broken up anyway, simply because they had to be made. For a band that was known more for being fun, this album shocked their audience. And, I have to say, it was a completely ballsy move. These albums are the saddest things I've ever heard on a CD. It shocked me when I first heard them, but I fell in love with them because they were so honest. As for being honest, when I listen to this song, all I can hear is what I saw coming all those years – the dissolution of my relationship. This dynamic played out year after year until I couldn't do it anymore. As I sit alone in my tiny apartment, I realize that I'm not the monster I tho...

  *What I set in motion five years ago has come to fruition. Come home to roost. Whatever you want to say. Now I sit in the giant, rotten center of the end result of the decisions I've made. I'm surrounded by memories of things that are broken, lost, or never were. My mind is swollen with my mistakes; my heart is broken by my actions. I wonder if I will ever be able to stand again and walk out of this hurting, bleeding place. All the while, I hear a chiding voice asking me if I'm happy now. Well, am I?*     Now Don't just walk away Pretending everythings okay and you don't care about me And I know it's just no use When all your lies become your truths and I don't care Could you look me in the eye And tell me that you're happy now Would you tell it to my face Have I been erased Are you happy now Are you happy now You took all there was to take And left me with an empty plate And you don't care about it Yeah And I am givi...

*Henry Rollins. Where do I start? I could list all of the ways he's made his mark in this world. I couldn't possibly get them all. He's most known for being a musician, an actor, his spoken word tours and voiceovers. He's an author and endless creator. Sadly, I've lost track of what he's doing at this moment. In fact, I haven't known for years. Why is this sad? Because Henry Rollins was my mentor, so to speak. If anyone influenced how I write poetry, it is this man, this punk poet. What's sad is when you come to a point in your life where you've outgrown your mentor and you have to say goodbye. I don't know when this point came for me, but it has certainly come and gone.  He opened my eyes to other ways to write, how to be raw and faithful to yourself at the same time. How to be honest. How poetry can be ugly and beautiful at the same time. How words can make you feel anything you let them make you feel. He taught me that you don't ha...

*This song is clearly about the end of a relationship and the effects of that on the children. This is very much where my mind goes at this moment. My son is trying hard to not let any of this affect him, what's happening in his world. I knew there would be a price to pay for leaving my wife, but I never wanted my son to pay that price. He's trying so hard to be strong. I know his world is in turmoil. Even though I feel like he's been taken care of in amazing ways, I still can't help but feel shattered by what he's going through. When he goes to bed, I'm not there to say goodnight. When he cries out for me in the night, I am not there. When he wakes in the morning, I'm nowhere to be found.  When he's sick, what comfort am I?  My son, what have I done to you?* Precious and fragile things Need special handling My God what have we done to You? We always try to share The tenderest of care Now look what we have put You through Things get damage...

Walking from empty room to empty room I feel the full weight of what I've wrought bearing down on me Walking that lonely trail brought tears to my eyes there's a last time for everything and a last time for us Remember when we walked together our son on my back down these same paths? he ate his first wild raspberries here and shared them with us This place saw us come and bid us farewell it remains but we have changed for "we" are no more My heart is broken my eyes have endless tears for the measure of our lives together here This house held us together for these three years.

*This song was on the radio a lot in 1996 and 1997. I guess it seeped into my subconscious. After I met the girl I would eventually leave Nebraska for and start a new life with in Ohio, I consciously adopted this song as my "theme song" for our relationship. Obviously, this song is not about loving a girl; it's about rejecting how or who you're being told to love. It's a breaking-free song. I was breaking free from my parents with my act of defiant love for someone who I knew they would hate. Anyone who knew me at the time was probably well aware that I generally did not love pop songs. This is a pop song, yet I adopted it. It became mine. All the years since then, when I hear this song, I immediately go back to that cross-country trip and what were the beginnings of my new life. I simply could not explain what I was doing or feeling to anyone. This song kind of bridged the gap. If I could stay within the parameters of this band, then I could easily descri...

It's been a long road I thought I knew things but I don't know a thing Older and wiser, sure but not wise enough I never saw this great disaster looming What made me think this time would be any different what made me think I could shed my skin I've written thousands of lines to some strange god listening somewhere but immobile, mute I should burn these pages let them rise like incense on the breeze let them rouse the slumbering god let them burn in its nose, speak in its ear Words are weak, I know words are nothing, really just sounds we lend meaning to just another weary wind blowing to and fro These lines are impregnated with pain heavy with guilt, with blame, with shame with the fullness of knowing that I have lost all How many times does a man have to pick up the pieces put his pants on, wash his face every morning like what happened didn't really happen How many times do I h...

*I first heard this song when I was home one weekend from my freshman year of college (according to online archives, it would have been between September and late December of 1996). I tuned in late to 120 minutes on MTV to find this ... spectacle. I had never seen anyone who looked like Mike Ness playing music. Never heard anything like his voice. I thought, "Who is this old guy playing punk rock?" Anyway, he had my attention. I never imagined in my parents' living room that weekend that I would someday be at Social Distortion's concerts someday. And I would still be asking myself, "Who is this old guy playing punk rock?" The sentiment echoes in my life today. I've made so many damn mistakes. I've run people out of my life. I've hurt those close to me. For all of those who I have hurt, I'm truly sorry. I was wrong.* When I was young, I was so full of fear I hid behind anger, held back the tears It was me against the world, I w...

*It's one of those questions that I've thought about for so many years. The last five years have led me to this moment when I'm finding out the answer. For all of my words, so many lines of them, that I've written. For all of my prayers, all of my thoughts. I still don't have the answer. All I see, as the song says, is oblivion. Just a different kind of oblivion.* I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore Before you take a swing I wonder what are we fighting for When I say out loud I want to get out of this I wonder  is  there anything I'm going to miss I wonder how it's going to be When you don't know me How's it going to be When you're sure I'm not there How's it going to be When there's no one there to talk to Between you and me Cause I don't care How's it going to be, How's it going to be Where we used to laugh There's a shouting match Sharp a...

I remember her and her smile it was so weak and she was so sick She was beautiful in dresses, jeans jacket, underwear or nothing at all And those eyes they lit up my world that perfect smile could captivate me forever I couldn't get enough she was all mine for just a moment but what a moment it was Wrapping my arms around her for the last time I hoped against all hope I would see her again I'd take reality over fantasy any day if she could just be mine I let her go but I'll remember her one last smile.

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.