my careless contagion

September is changes. Small at first, then bigger. By the end of the month, we hardly recognize you, September.  She begins when it is still summer. When she leaves, it is autumn. This year, when she began, I was in one place. When she ends, I'll be in another. To some, this may seem like a small change, but for me, it is big. It's bigger than the change in the air or displays in the shops.  September means the beginning of autumn. This autumn will be different from the last several. I'll get lost in it. Swallowed up in it. The leaves will change later. The snow will fly later, too. Last September, we had snow the first week of the month. Here, I don't know when it will fall.  September is my birth month. In grade school, I was one of the earliest to celebrate my birthday. I recall the school principal would come and give me a birthday card and how that felt. Surely, this man was the busiest man in the world, yet he came to wish me a happy birthday. What a wonderful mom...

An open letter to the place I lived (slightly edited from the original).  After more than seven years of living and working in Southern Black Hills, it's time for me to leave. If you don't know who I am, you are certainly forgiven. Judging by the number of people who called me Jason or Justin or Jimmy or "that guy" during my tenure here, not many even knew I existed. I worked on many projects over the years and various publications. Those numerous publications are what I've been helping produce for the last seven-plus years. The publishing industry is always changing. And so are we, our needs and our lives.  I saw some of the best and worst things in my life happen here in the Black Hills, from the birth of my son to my divorce which I initiated back in 2012 or so and finalized in 2018. I came here in part because I wanted to give my marriage another try. There was a lot of trying and failing, in general, but that's just life. What made my stay here unique wer...

I'm not even going to acknowledge the fact I'm posting yet another John Denver song. You knew I was going to do it. And it probably won't be the last time. He just got it right so often, it is ridiculous. So many of his songs are masterpieces of words and sounds and feelings, put together in a way that puts modern musicians to shame.  Like a Sad Song is another masterpiece. It is a love song, of course, so I feel it. You've probably heard this song a million times, though you may not have realized it. The same for me. It has always existed for me because it was released in 1976 on his Spirit album.  Structurally, the song is robust. You can take it and do anything with it. In this version, it is so stripped down, it is barely a song. It is more like a heart's cry with a symphony and guitar accompaniment. I don't think the actual music could be more sparse unless it was acapella. And that's the beauty of so many of John's songs. They are so completely hon...

Though I realize this blog is long in the tooth and probably isn't read much anymore, I still use it as a space to discuss and heal. It is a very personal journey. If I invited you into this space, I hope you realize I did not do so lightly. You may not understand everything I write, but I hope it gives you an accurate picture of my struggles and triumphs.  I used to think we all had weird families. That was my honest belief. The more I looked around, the more I realized, no, we do not all have an odd upbringing. We certainly did not all have abusive childhoods. Then I started to get upset. I started to really dislike those "normal" families and their picture-perfect lives. I used to keep photos of some on my walls. Now that's weird . But, it's true. There was a congressman from a town I lived in years ago. I kept photos of his family on my walls. His wife wasn't very nice to me when I interacted with her at my job. Their children are doubtless grown and beaut...

It’s August The sun shines brightly The wind blows soft and warm And reeks of summer’s fecundity What I know and what I knew Are strangers in the night I’m enraptured by make believe And outraged by reality Such is summer Some say August Is summer’s last gasp I say it feels like nothing I’m supposed to have thoughts Ideas and feelings But they left me Long before August I was supposed to be something Destined to be someone But all I wanted was love I would have run To the edge of the world for it It was never there No matter the season Now it’s late Far too late She’s gone and I am too As the song says Some things you can never get back Like the happiness in her voice Before whatever happened happened Long before August Long before now Writers write because They want to capture something Or someone Something they’re missing Or never even had But they want it back all the same I write because it is August All this time I felt I lost her But the truth is sadder She lost me Long before Au...

What's this, I made another trip to Nebraska? Yes. It was supposed to be a short trip (I didn't even take photos), just me seeing someone about a job and trying to find a place to live. I later changed my mind and invited my ex to come down also if she could make appointments for whatever. She did, and it was a good idea. Oh, and I got to see Cindy.  I don't know how much I can write in the coming days. Things are moving quickly. I have several possibilities for jobs, even invitations to "come try it out and see if you like it." My ex had a couple of interviews for three positions. I am consistently impressed by the people in Nebraska. They are not all kind and genuine, I know, but many are. Whereas in South Dakota if I had a good interaction with a person, I would consider it rare and it would make my day, in Nebraska, it seems such interactions are common.  Oh, and Kate and I put in an application for a place to live: a nice, newly-renovated home on wheels. What...

The Giving Tree is a metaphor for ... well, giving human beings. I use it here that way. I realize Shel Silverstein was a certified creep . And, I know many now say the book is a metaphor for enabling and abusive behavior. I don't disagree. But, looking at the book without any of that, what is your first impression? It's sad, of course. But, it's also hopeful. And, it is about endless giving, which is beyond my comprehension. I believe that is how Jesus tells us to live. We are to give until there is no more to give. And then give more.  I know a person who exemplifies that giving spirit. This post is dedicated to her. After I learned more about her father, I saw where she got some of her tendencies. And her big heart that loves God and His creatures. I thank God every day I got to know that girl. I fell in love with her heart and will love it forever — even after I die — because it reminds me of God's love. She is the giving tree. She shows God's love. She makes me...

It was time once again for a trip to Nebraska, this time to check out a little town and see if it would be a nice place to live. I made this trip with my ex and my son (who felt awful, the cause of which we never ascertained, half of the trip). It was an interesting trip. Good things and bad things happened. Shall we? We stayed in Kearney, "the Sandhill Crane capital of the world," at what I'm told is the finest place in town, EconoLodge. My son simply referred to it as "the Lodge." He was excited, even taking photos of all the rooms (all two). He especially liked the bathtub, since he doesn't have one at home. He also liked the blueberry muffins for breakfast. But we did more than lounge around the hotel room and take naps. We also visited places in town, namely the many parks. My son didn't feel well for most of our trip, but we managed to see some sights. We left in a driving rain, but the sun soon came out and left a rainbow before us.  But all was n...

Sometimes it is necessary to issue apologies. Celebrities do it all the time, at the risk of being canceled otherwise. Well, I'm no celebrity, and there is no risk of me being canceled, except by God. But, sometimes we have to say we're sorry.  So, I'm sorry. There. Done.  Oh, wait. I should probably get into detail a bit.  I apologize to my ex, whom I slew a great deal on my blog. She's an ordinary human being. She is flawed. I didn't need to ax her asunder as I did. I wouldn't want anyone to tear me up the way I did her on these pages. I'm sorry for that. For the record, she seems quite happy without me and has no intention of letting me back in her life. She must have been happy to unload me.  I apologize to my parents, who did the best they could raising me. They did a lot to make sure I got the right opportunities and missed out on things that were less than savory. As for their faults, all I can say is everyone is human. There are no perfect parents. A...