Retro advertising (aka How times have changed)
Grab your Green Giant leotard and saddle up your exercise bike. We're going for a ride! We're going back in time, when telephones had cords, hair was plentiful, and carpet was often as green as grass. I know this isn't technically an ad, but it is too fun to pass up. By the end of this post, I hope to feel just as self-satisfied as she does. If only I can find a giant mirror in which to admire myself.
Speaking of the Green Giant, what is it about this guy? I know, every product has to have a mascot. But this guy is creepy. Is it just me? Has anyone else read Jack and the Beanstalk? I'm pretty sure he's offering you peas so you'll open your door so he can then grab and eat you. Just sayin'. There is more going on here than I want to dissect. Where is her house? Why are even his eyes green? She looks way too happy to see him. Lady, look at the size of those peas. You don't need a basketful; you need one or two pods. His peas are way too big for you.
Speaking of big, how about Shaq? He's been a powerhouse pitchman for decades, quietly making fistfuls of money everywhere he turns. He makes more money now than when he did the basketball gig. This ad is from the 90s. Now I see him hawking printers at Office Depot and insurance on my TV.
So, let's dissect some ads. This one showcases one of my favorite things: disembodied heads. Actually, the little girl's body looks like it's a burger. And why is the Burger King sitting on a burger? That's not necessary. In fact, that's rude. Unless he's gonna eat said burger. I guess he can do as he pleases; he's the king. I like the design aspect of this rather large ad. Look at all that copy. No one would read that much text in this day and age. Ain't nobody got time for that! But, it follows the tried-and-true formula of presenting a good or service in an appealing way in order to hopefully get people to purchase it. I'm getting hungry. How about you?
More stuff I like. Food and Coca-Cola. Good luck finding a roller rink now, though. I recall there used to be one in Grand Island decades ago. At least, that's what my often-faulty memory tells me. But, what is Coke selling here? It's more than a thirst-quenching beverage that is clearly enjoyable. They're selling fun! That's a theme in a lot of advertising: selling an experience. You need Coke to have a great time. It's just not the same otherwise. Also, notice the target audience. Young and hip African Americans. Young people are often the trendsetters, and our culture looks to African American culture quite a bit for trends, as well, more now than when this ad came out. One thing we white folks know: black people know how to have fun! As an aside, has anyone else noticed white people are pretty scarce in advertising ever since the George Floyd riots? Next time you’re watching TV or whatever, take note. It’s mostly black folks now.
Okay, remember what I asked about what they are selling in the previous ad? This one tells you straight up what the product does for you. It makes you real, and rich, and ... you get the idea. It makes you feel like a king. Look at that guy. He's a king. He's living the life. Don't you want that, too? Smoke Winstons, super king! There is no greater selling point than masculine pride. Have you seen the trucks guys drive? You think that's to attract females? (Well, some might like big honkin' trucks that are louder than a semi, but probably not most.) Those things say I'm a big dude living the life. That's for other men to admire. But, hey, I do kinda like his soft-looking jacket and matching pants. Dude is killin' it.
You can't get away with this kind of advertising from a major brand anymore. (At least, I hope.) This is sexist and kinda gross. Tab is definitely gross. I don't think it is produced anymore. Some of those smaller brands I really like, like Mello Yello and RC Cola. There is a place in town that sells a can of Mello for 35 cents! Take that, inflation! I can still get a cold beverage and have a good time. That's my idea of a mind sticker.
Losing weight has been a fixation of females (and probably a lot of males) for decades. We're so indulgently blessed, we have to find ways to not be 400 lbs at all times. This idea, however, is gross. Let's just mix a bunch of crap together and call it a diet drink. No thanks. I'd rather have a Tab. An ad has to make a good play on what the product can do for you. This is a hard sell. I'm sure someone tried it, but they may not have survived to tell the story.
Sugar is not a weight-loss aid! You'd be surprised by the number of ads that relate to sugar, all pedaling misinformation. Could it be the same today? Are we being lied to? Do we know better? I don't know. Maybe sugar does help with weight loss, but it certainly doesn't help one stay healthy. It depresses your immune system, causes inflammation, and wreaks havoc on blood sugar, just to name a few things. But, anyway, it's good for birds and to dump into cauldrons of soup.
Like mother, like daughter. Those ladies are skinny. And dressed exactly alike. I don't know which era this came from, but it would be considered body shaming now. Or some other nonsense. If someone wants to be skinny, let them. If someone wants to dress exactly like someone else, let them do that, too. If someone wants to name a cereal Grape Nuts, why not? It's neither grapes nor nuts and we all know that. It makes no sense, but who cares?
P.D.Q. probably stands for pretty darn quick. So, they're selling ease and convenience. But what are you getting? Instant egg nog? Oh no. No. How about something for everyone?
Remember Shakey's? I think there was one in Rapid City once upon a time. Take note of the tagline because it tells you what they're actually selling, cus the pizza wasn't that great. They're selling happiness, which hopefully comes with more and better toppings than that pie. Sorry, sir, we have only pepperoni and black olives today. But, it comes with happiness.
Remember when you could go to a hotel and eat some cheap food? No? Yeah, it was a long time ago. Now all the hotels have expensive food. The last time I got some food from a hotel it was pretty good. It was at The Graduate (a somewhat creepy, yet eclectic hotel) in Lincoln. The food was good, though. It just wasn't as awesome as a clamboree. And it certainly wasn't $1.29 (regular price $1.45).
I don't know what I'm looking at. Those aren't refreshments, though; those drinks are nuclear waste! They look good, though. I would try all of this. I may not live, but I would try it. I must be hungry, and this isn't an ad. But I'm sold.
This is something you don't see much anymore. The first time you look at it, it looks like the woman is very tiny and the oven is huge. This would get voted down in design or any other level these days. But, it looks like she could hop right up there and stir that pot. What's cookin', mama? Ham? I love ham. I'm not done with the food yet, so grab a bite to eat and keep scrolling!
This looks like it is from the 50s. The play-on-words aspect is what I'm focused on. It's just dumb. It's pointless. And it's the brand's name. I looked this brand up, and it's not even made in Vermont anymore, nor does it contain much maple syrup (about 2 percent). But they still have a likeness of a girl on the label! Keeping it real.
When you name something like this, it makes me wonder what we're cooking. Are we indeed cooking boys and girls? I'd cook the little one first. He looks a bit simple. Also, you can see how new words are made. For instance, cook book becomes cookbook. I dislike people doing this today with words like bestfriend or everyday (forcing every and day into everyday does not make a new word in this case; you’re just using it wrong). Over time, I guess words that are often seen together end up fused together. I suppose it’s like that with people too.
How long ago did saying sack o' sauce or can o' meat go out of style? Please bring that back. Even the wieners come with a sack o' sauce. How thoughtful. Wieners, however, is a word that should be banished.
When did Tupperware stop being so colorful? It used to be you'd pull up to the table at the church picnic and it was acres of colorful Tupperware and crockpots and ... okay, I really am hungry now. Time to switch gears. But, man, I can taste those deviled eggs.
By "your family," you mean everyone but mom? This one actually pissed me off. Moms are always left out. Maybe she's just bringing some popcorn. Okay, that's what I need to hear. This ad creeps me out, probably because everyone is blurry except on the TV, like that’s all that matters.
Could have used something like this. The house we rented in the late 80s had shag carpet that had seen better days. Who knows what was hiding in that mess?
More shame. Shame for being a female and doing female things. Don't be embarrassed! Here is a product for you, young lady! Ask your mom to buy it for you. She understands.
And more of that. Hey, I don't know what it's like having a period. But these ladies make it look fun.
Such pretty outfits. And such tiny people! This is also a design problem. The different-size girls are really humorous, but that's about it. The tiny girl at the bottom could fit into someone's pocket. And the giant girl. Does she want to be a giant girl? Does she want a tiny girl knocking about at her knees? No. She does not.
Orlon sounds like a weird made-up fabric. Probably a plastic fabric like polyester. And what does space-dyed mean? And more Lilliputians! These are even tinier. If you design guys thought this was fun in the 70s, wait until you see what we could do when we got Photoshop! Let the hilarity ensue.
Dreamwear! I love it. Look how innocent those outfits were. One girl even has a bonnet. And you could have a loveable pup to guard your nightwear! Quilted and otherwise, these are the image of propriety. I've been to the beach many times and been shocked by the little bathing suits even toddler girls are wearing. Can we please go back to wholesome stuff like this? Am I weird? Is it just me? Okay, maybe not all the way back to this extreme, but let's move the needle back a bit toward sanity. Protect our little girls and make them feel like little girls while they are still little girls. Don't put big-girl stuff on little ones, please. It's a good thing I didn't have a daughter. That poor thing would be wearing these to bed every night. But is that so bad? I see you nodding your head. Okay, onward.
This is for the ladies! Ladies with taste! I've seen these advertisements before. This is a brand of cigarettes that was aimed at women. Do you want to be a woman with sophisticated taste? Try Eve. They even have a little print pattern on the filter. How pretty!
Oh, the price women pay to look fashionable. It makes you wonder, though, about the nature of fashion. It has to constantly change. When I look at the fashion of the 1920s, for instance, it sometimes looks comical. A woman wouldn't wear a hat like that today. It looks like a helmet or a pot or something. But, that's part of how fashion works. It's outrageous today and passe tomorrow.
Now it's time for the boys. Why do I get the feeling one of them is trying to sell a used car to the other? She goes real fast. I'll knock a hundred bucks off. You'll thank me later when your girlfriend makes out with you in the backseat. Or are you not into girls? With a fancy necktie like that, one may wonder.
Ah, bellbottoms. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the 70s. I'm pretty sure we haven't represented all ethnicities in this ad, though. Am I missing the Native American? Maybe he's the guy in the white pants. And you really do have to look that confident to wear white pants. For the whole ten minutes you can wear them before they get dirty.
These slacks have even bigger flares. And those men are essentially wearing heels. Cus that is what gamblers do. But look at the payoff. Do you see how she's looking at him? If a woman looked at me like that, I'm pretty sure she has only one thing on her mind. Let's go gambling, big boy!
There is nothing worse than this. Those guys don't even look remotely happy. I think the guy on the right is actually asking if he can take it off now. This is something one might wear if one worked at a pirate-themed restaurant and, naturally, did a lot of drugs to deal with that fact.
Okay, I take it back. This is worse. Have y'all seen enough? Me too. I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. I know I did. Maybe I'll do it again. It was fun and irreverent. And no one got hurt. I hope.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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