Retro advertising part two
What's worse than a clown sipping soda? Possibly nothing. Except maybe a dead clown hawking ice cream. Why are his eyes exed out? This is the universal symbol for dead in cartoon land. Some things we'll never know. Perhaps the 50s were more accepting of clowns. Personally, I think they're creepy. I'd hate to let my personal bias affect my audience, but let's just agree to be done with the clowns for now. Actually, the Sealtest brand is no longer alive, as I found out. Might it have something to do with Martin Luther King Jr. telling people to boycott the brand? Maybe. But I'm sticking with the clown theory. People don't like clowns. They won't even buy delicious ice cream from a clown. Especially a dead clown.
We haven't talked about this much yet, but, clearly, sex is used to sell a lot of products. Why would advertisers pass up the basic urge of humans to procreate? It's the second-strongest drive in our bodies, with the drive for self-preservation in first place. But, this is a strange ad. It looks like they're trying to use sex to sell this vacuum. But, when this ad came out, who do you think primarily used the vacuum in the home? Probably mom or another female. So, I guess if you're gonna buy a vacuum, you want one that makes you at least feel glamorous, as this lady is. So, on the surface, it looks like they're using a sexy lady to sell something ... but the target audience is not men. It's women! Which is a little surprising. All I know is it won't take her long to vacuum that rug. Too bad she had to get on the ledge to do it, though. I can't tell what kind of shoes she's wearing, but she looks precarious standing there. Maybe she was ready for an evening out and then decided to vacuum the rug. Probably she was having company over. That's it! Gotta tidy up before the glamorous friends come. The backdrops of these old ads are sometimes hard to suss out because we don't have all the same cultural cues today for the subtle stuff. Then again, I'm not a woman in search of a vacuum. A lot of what advertisers sell is an association. Buy this to be associated with such-and-such a lifestyle or these cool people or whatever. People aspire to attain more than their station in life. Advertisers prey on that.
Here's another one I don't completely understand. It features a woman, so it's probably not aimed at me. The point of the ad is probably embedded in the copy which I don't have time to read because I'm a modern person living in a fast-paced world.
And yet another one I don't understand. Is she sad because he's going golfing or because he's wearing that sweater? Why do his golf clubs have little hats? Why is he feeding her breakfast? Can't she feed herself? So confusing. This one isn't aimed at me, apparently.
Peck's Pastes. What more do you need to know? Meat and fish pastes! Am I a cat? Do I need palate-pleasing pastes? This is clearly from the 50s, cuz they didn't know what the hell they were doing. Smoking cigarettes and shoving meat paste in a jar. What's wrong with you?
This is probably what I was missing my whole life. That kid on the right had the life I should have had. He got the robe and pajama set. And the slipper socks! My life could have gone a completely different direction with all of that! I had to wear holey-knee long johns year after year. And I had only one pair! I wore them all winter! This guy had a regal-looking robe ... with pockets! What did I do with my hands when standing in my pajamas? Nothing as debonair as what he's doing, that's for sure. Dang.
Fast forward about thirty years to the 80s and ... I still don't know what the hell is going on here. I think she took a cue from my son because she apparently loves watches. And that is all I have to say about this one.
As visually disturbing as the last one was, this one is perhaps more so. In which room would you most like to see someone succumb to vertigo? Which pattern would be the most helpful in bringing this about? Why not make sure it's composed entirely of a slippery surface such as tile. And now let's add moisture such as one would find in a room with a shower. If you walk into a room like this, you know you're probably going to die there. This isn't good for anything else, in fact. And why would you put a plant in a room without a window? Madness, that's why.
If you need eight ways to make yourself pretty, you're in luck. This kit has all you need. If you need more than eight ways, you're out of luck, girl. Talk about preying on insecurity.
You find a lot of these ads are focused on women. After women were granted the right to borrow money (it wasn't always so), advertisers found they were surprisingly easy to sell products to. I'm not going to say they're suggestible. (Let some other schmuck say that.) All I know is a lot of businesses aim their sales pitches at women and, increasingly, young girls such as tweens and ... younger. It's never too early to start the sales pitch. Most children can accurately select the logos of major corporations before they can the letters of the alphabet.
I don't know the date on this one. But that is a big pack of cigs. You can buy king-size or regular. And here we see the appeal to intelligence. You're the intelligent type, so, clearly, you should smoke this brand of cigarette. She also appears to be of the upper-crust with her jewels and furs and nice furniture. But what's with the mask? Someone help me decode that.
Computer space command system 3. That's really what they called this TV. At least I know what they're selling. A lot of modern ads leave you wondering.
With all the running around women — especially moms — do, it's no surprise they need energy. Enter numerous companies trying to sell them energy. Milk is mostly water, but whatever. It sure has made my son grow like a weed. I drank it a lot when I was a kid. It's definitely better than eating sugar for energy. But what do I know?
Fussy eater or not, that kid is dipping his freaking fingers in the jar of jelly! Which makes me quite fussy! I don't want anyone sticking their fingers in my jar of jelly! Or any jar of jelly, for that matter.
I saw the snowsuit and had to have it. I wish I could be this girl. At least for a moment. Because after that moment I'd realize I was suffocating. But I would look pretty dashing for a moment. Not as dashing as that Davy-Crockett-looking thing with the tassels. Is that what they're called? I don't think Davy Crockett called them that, but whatever. We don't care what Davy Crockett called anything; we wear blankets with tassels as tops!
Here is another aimed at women. You literally cannot do this in this day and age. Don't you know there are 64 genders? Why would you sell to only one? Now, laundry is for everyone. Not just women. Hang in there. We're almost done!
Isn't this one funny? Let me explain. Here is a mini-bus taking on the world of wagons, which were all the rage back in the day. My family had a station wagon. Later, we shifted to body-on-frame SUVs (Suburbans, even a diesel one) for family-hauling duty, as did millions of other families. But, the minivan had its heyday in there, too, and no one buys station wagons or minivans anymore. It's all unibody crossovers. There are a few body-on-frame SUVs left, too (Suburban, anyone?). Once we shifted from station wagons to minivans, no one wanted a station wagon. Once we left minivans behind, no one wanted them, either. But, they still make good sense. And they ALL perform the same function. What's funny is Car&Driver magazine (which will probably cease to exist someday because cars themselves are barely being produced anymore) lists most crossovers (a cross between a car and an SUV) as tall wagons. Why? Look at them a moment. That's exactly what they are. Consumers don't want to believe that. They bought their crossover because it WASN'T a minivan or a station wagon. Don't tell them it's anything but a crossover. But, I admit, my crossover is really just a tall, albeit small, wagon with AWD. I would buy a minivan if it had AWD (I know some do). Why? Because they make sense. They drive well, have a low center of gravity, get good mileage, are more comfortable, and you can pack a TON of stuff in them. But most buy a crossover or SUV, which does all of that but in a worse way. Why? Appearances. Try as you might, you can't get people to go back to buying wagons or vans en masse. That's what mom and dad had or, even worse, grandma and grandpa. Once someone has a negative affiliation with something, consider it over. That's why car manufacturers simply repackaged and disguised wagons and minivans as crossovers and SUVs. Plus, they make A LOT more money on crossovers and SUVs. Maybe that's what it's all about in the end. Consumers don't always make sense, but, then again, neither do advertisers.
She is literally carrying that huge thing around (along with a beach umbrella, yeah, that's realistic) just to listen to some crappy music on her headphones. Totally believable. Nothing fake about that. Just another day at the beach, smiling at nobody and jamming out with my giant cassette player.
I don't know about you, but writing about all these ads got me pretty hungry. I don't even want to take off my dirty jersey and pads. I'm just going to eat out of this branded cup turned just the right way so people see what I'm eating is a manly meal. Yes, I'm that hungry. And that about wraps it up! Thanks for coming along on this adventure in the land of advertising, where nothing matters but perception!
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Señor Plant is actually two plants! All this time I was worried he would be lonely when I'm not home, but he has always had a buddy. This is good news. Also, I had to transplant him into a larger container. Cuz he's a growing boy.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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