my careless contagion

Two years ago today, I started this blog. What started as a way to deal with my divorce spawned many threads which, at times, threatened to overwhelm me. Some of those threads have come and gone, though I will say this: this blog has been an important part of my healing and overall therapy.  I'm (slowly) reading a book about a woman's coming to terms with her childhood sexual abuse. Most of her life she kept a journal. At some point, her journaling turned into a book. She said she was introduced to "reflective journaling," and that was what got to the heart of her troubling past. It doesn't take much to realize that's exactly what I've been doing here without knowing the term for it.  It was here, in the summer of 2018, I finally came to terms with my childhood abuse, both at the hands of my father and my brothers, as well as the psychological abuse that was pervasive in my household. It was in my childhood that the seeds were planted that turned...

I decided, after enduring one of the worst years of my life (2019), it's clear this new year needs to carry a different tune. In my praying and soul searching, I've gone to God to ask what kind of attitude I should have through all of these harsh realities. The answer was I should rejoice, I should praise Him, and I should be thankful. So I will focus on those themes in 2020. I do, after all, have a lot to rejoice about, praise God about, and be thankful for.  God's answers to my many prayers are in themselves something to rejoice about, praise Him for, and be thankful for. But I was reminded of a moment when I was told to essentially discard a great blessing, at least, symbolically. It involved a bad sweater.  It seems like a long time ago, but it wasn't that long ago. When my ex, Kate, and I moved to the Black Hills nearly 6 years ago, we were starting over. We barely had any money. She was working part-time, and we had crazy bills to pay. She cashed in her ret...

Here's a game I've yet to win: the blame game. By now, you're all probably convinced I'm just a whiney old, white guy. That may be true, but some of my complaints come from a very real place and exist without the aid of hyperbole.  A while ago, I mentioned the incident when I was in the third or fourth grade when the kid tackled me and beat me up on the playground. I wasn't fighting, but I got detention anyway (which was later reversed). How was I supposed to get away? I don't know. The whole thing was insane. But it wasn't the first time something like that happened, and it wasn't the last.  This isn't an in-depth post about blame and self-blame. It's just a few examples from my life so you get the idea of what I've dealt with. I was sitting around one day, thinking about stuff, and started to connect some dots. It was a moment of clarity in my otherwise clouded thought life.  One January day my junior year in high school, my mom an...

When I pray, it's nothing eloquent. My prayers are that of a child simply talking to his Father. My Bible tells me He is near the brokenhearted and a contrite spirit He will not despise. So, everything I pray comes from my heart. So, too, does this prayer, which I prayed in part one day while walking on a winter beachscape. Dear God,  You know she's on my mind and in my heart. You know how much she means to me. You saw everything I felt. Maybe you felt it too. It had to come from somewhere.  I know I didn't go about things the right way. I did a whole lot of wrong. I learned from that. You taught me, you corrected me, you sent me down a different path. Thank you for that. I know you love me because you chasten me.  I want to thank you for the moments I had with that beautiful girl. I know you see my heart and know I never intended to damage her or anyone else. My soul was starving, and she was the stolen bread I needed. I'm so sorry I brought all of this abou...

I've been thinking about brokenness and what that means to a Christian. It's easy to think about this concept because I don't have to look far. I am a broken man. These are some of my thoughts.  It is clear my past relationships and jobs and other things were just a cover for a lot of childhood trauma. My sadness took hold in my childhood, and I looked for things in my life to blame for that sadness. I may have even self-sabotaged in order to do that. Whatever the case, I feel I've been a broken man most of my life.  The good news is, God can use that brokenness. Psalm 34:18 states God is near the brokenhearted and saves those of a contrite spirit. Automatically, God is closer to me than those who are not broken or do not admit their brokenness. However I may have gotten here, I'm here. There's more, though. Brokenness is often an outcome of walking with Jesus. Matthew 21:44 says that whoever falls on the rock (Jesus) will be broken, but on whomever the...

Today, I have to share something. Today I was convicted. I read a verse last night that stuck out to me. Then I received the same verse this morning in my inbox (it's a random verse-a-day email). It's something God has been telling me for a while. I won't share all the details, but suffice to say I know when God is telling me something. What I've been posting in my blog is my feelings, sure, but it's not necessarily what God is telling me. What He is telling me hasn't changed. I just don't know how to deal with it, I guess. Writing things in this blog is a semi-private experience. But it's possible someone, sometime in the future, will read what I've written. And what I've written isn't necessarily what God has told me. So I repent of that.  In the future, I will try to steer away from certain topics. Maybe I've overshared. I don't know. That's the problem. I need to write what I know. Right now, all I know is what God has ...

This post examines the meaning of the word reconcile. I've put the definition I found here. 2019 gave me a lot to reconcile, needless to say. This is how I sorted things out. reconcile ( r ɛ kənsaɪl ) Word forms: reconciles , reconciling , reconciled 1.   transitive verb If you reconcile two beliefs, facts, or demands that seem to be opposed or completely different, you find a way in which they can both be true or both be successful. It's difficult to reconcile the demands of my job and the desire to be a good father. 2.   ergative passive verb If you are reconciled with someone, you become friendly with them again after a quarrel or disagreement. He never believed he and Susan would be reconciled. 3.   transitive verb If you reconcile two people, you make them become friends again after a quarrel or disagreement. ...my attempt to reconcile him with Toby. 4.  transitive verb If you reconcile yourself...

I have to admit, stoicism has an allure for me. Too often, I've been overwhelmed, paralyzed, pummeled, and defeated by my emotions. But, just as often, I've told myself I don't care or that I shouldn't care. This pendulum swing is something I've struggled with most of my life. I've endured so much heartache, and acting like I didn't care only let the heartache continue. I was strong through so much pain. In the end, the pain overcame all the walls I built to keep it out. I don't consider myself an emotional person. Yes, I have emotions. As I've gotten older, the repressed stuff has gotten more vocal, so I've allowed myself to show my feelings more. I see it as a volcano letting off steam. Better to have a constant release of pressure than all at once. I can't repress my feelings forever, after all. Traditionally, though, that wasn't the case. As with many men, I was reared to be mostly emotionless. And I think that's wrong. ...