my careless contagion

This would be accurate if I had friends. Or a friend. I've begun to see myself as a rescue dog. Bear with me. This actually makes sense. No, I'm not an actual dog, but I do bear a lot of the same scars and history as an abused dog that finds a new home (which I haven't yet, but I'm trying). Add to that some of my behaviors and vulnerabilities, and it's really the same challenges a rescue dog has. Apparently, trauma translates well across species. Normally, I wouldn't joke about suicide, so I won't. I'm not joking. It's been something I've wanted to do most of my life, say, 35 years. People always gang up on those who take their own lives, saying they're not thinking of those they leave behind. You're absolutely right; they're not thinking of anyone but themselves. Imagine pain so intense, pervasive, and constant the only plausible solution is taking one's life. You cannot see beyond that kind of pain to anyone else's po...

This is another post from this summer I neglected to actually post. I don't know why I held back on this one. It's kinda dumb. Maybe that's why. That's a great introduction. So, enjoy! Oh, also, I think there's at least one more from this summer I haven't posted. The last one I think I'll post next year since it feels like a proper middle finger to this year, which felt like reality intruded a little too much. An added note of import: I have prayed about my son's babysitting situation since he was probably one year old. I've never taken it out of my prayers, in fact. When my son's latest babysitter announced her impending retirement, it wasn't much of a shock. It was the fourth time we lost a babysitter. And there is only one person we know who had openings. Sometimes God makes our decisions easy. One choice. I'm probably not smart enough to make a decision with more than one choice, so that's good. Okay, problem solved. Only it...

This is another one of the posts from this summer I neglected to post until now. Originally, it was two parts, but I failed to finish the second part, so I will delete that. It didn't say anything that hasn't been adequately said already. I know the girl I'm writing about would probably disagree with what I've said here, but we're both adults and I'm allowed to think what I want. She will always be my measuring stick for females. The proverbial dust has settled. I left a relationship and another relationship left me. When you can't have what you want — and that's all you really want — then it's useless to ask what you can have instead. But, let's say I could create my own dream girl. What kind of girl would I create? Well, Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, of course. Except she could squash me like a bug. Okay, definitely not Wonder Woman then.  The best I can come up with is this: I am looking for a woman with a curio...

I wrote this post this summer but didn't post it, obviously. I edited it a tiny bit to take out the most negative things. I guess it's okay to post it now, just for my own record. I was still holding on to something. What it was, I don't know. Yes, I believe God told me something two years ago about being with Cindy, but maybe I had to let go of that original relationship first before something legitimate could take its place. Or maybe I just love with foolish abandon. Maybe both.  Anyway, here's a post I neglected to post 5 or 6 months ago. Maybe I should post all my neglected drafts since everything is over. Then I can write love letters again since that's all I seem to want to do anyway. Get the disappointment out of the way and just write what you want, Joshua. Write about how much you love that girl. There's nothing to lose anymore. It's already been lost. There's a verse in Matthew (6:21) that says where your treasure is, there will your hear...

All this time I've been looking at the wind and the waves (which are furious, sure), but I should have had my eyes on Jesus Christ. God perhaps put in my mind the beginning of a poem called "You bid me," which relates to the story of Peter walking on water. I tried to finish it the best I could. Matthew 14:28-31 28  And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. 29  And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. 30  But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. 31  And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? You bid me I wouldn't have come this far had you not bid me I wouldn't have these scars had you not healed me I'm so far from everything I've ever known and I've done i...

Tim Mcgraw's song  Just to See You Smile  speaks to me. Or, perhaps, it speaks for me. It says what my heart says. Except for the first verse, that is. I've never been to Amarillo.  I would truly do anything to see that girl smile. Her smile lights up the room, sets a fire in my heart, gives me goosebumps, makes me forget all my years of heartache.  Some may say it's sad when you're not what someone wants. I could comment on that, but I won't. I've said so much about that girl, there really isn't anything left to say. I would have moved to her town already — just for the chance to see her once in a while — if I wasn't positive the very thought of that would terrify her. And if she had only put a fraction of the effort into me as she did her ex, I would have asked to marry her by now. Yes, that's surely even more terrifying to her. But, in the end, it didn't matter what I did, and it didn't matter what he did. I could do no right, and h...

Sunday, Nov. 17, started out well enough. I planned to fast and pray, and that's what I did. The very things I prayed about God answered through His typical overlay of confirmations quickly, so I ended my fast earlier than planned. God likes to use repetition to get our attention sometimes. Whatever works, really. It's possible I could be injecting meaning of my own into Bible verses that seem to stand out to me, but after a while, they pile up and it's hard to ignore. The day ended with quite a  load of information for me to process. I spent a restless night parsing all that information. It feels like I slept only a couple of hours, even though I was exhausted.  The bulk of the information was delivered through text from Cindy about the direction she's headed. While it may not be a surprise to anyone here, she shared that she started dating her ex again a couple of months ago and has gone to counseling with him. I suspected that was happening and even had a drea...

I wrote this to pump myself up for winter.  True, it’s still technically autumn. But we all know it’s been winter in the Black Hills since, um, September. We can complain about the weather, or we can do something about it! Hmm. OK, maybe we can’t do anything about it. A wise man once said, “The best thing to do when it snows is to let it snow.” So let it snow. And let’s enjoy our winter wonderland — the Black Hills! Most of the tourists have gone back to their jobs and schoolwork, and the snowbirds have flocked to their warm winter playgrounds. Our streets are often barren and sidewalks often icy. Most shops are closed — but not all. Some may simply have reduced hours. And you can browse at your own pace. In fact, you can do nearly everything at your own pace. I took a jaunt down Spearfish Canyon recently, and it was a calm and relaxing drive. It was nearly perfect, as there was next to no traffic. If you don’t like being rushed through places, now is the time to get out and ...

Normally I feel like Evel Knievel. Being sick, I feel like I got run over by Evel Knievel. While the body is sick, the mind continues to churn, though muddily. I've been sick for almost two weeks now. I've had just about every symptom possible. It's been a merry-go-round of misery I can't seem to get off. When you're sick, priorities change. You no longer want to conquer the world; you are only interested in surviving the next two minutes. You don't care a whit whether anyone loves you or hates you or what tomorrow may bring. It narrows your focus by necessity. I think of it as kind of like being drunk 24/7. As long as you have medicine flowing in your veins, you are okay, even though you may be in a burning building.   I don't get sick often. And it never lasts more than a couple of days. To be sick for two weeks is almost unheard of. It's almost like a somatic illness, possibly triggered by recent personal disappointment and made worse by my r...