my careless contagion

Hey, welcome back. This post makes some generalizations  (which is always fun and probably wrong)  about my new town, Kearney, Nebraska. This may be part one of a multi-part series. Or not.  It is interesting to move to a new place because you take your old assumptions and past experiences with you. You apply those to the new place. Your mind is constantly comparing and contrasting. For a while. And then you are home and you like your new place (and I do like my new place). In fact, I haven't wanted to go back from whence I came. When I left, I took a short hike by myself as I often did. It was cold, as I recall, and two gray jays (also known as camp robbers) were keeping a close eye on me, swooping from one tree to another and following me along the trail. As I reached the end of the trail, I knew it would likely be my last time hiking there. I told those watchful jays that I likely wouldn't be back so to "take care of the place." And that was it.  These are not jud...

" How long will I write like this?" I hear myself ask again. The answer comes as surely as the sun rises: "As long as an ember of her still burns in my heart." And so I write, though no one listens or understands. All these things about her I felt deeply and often for the first time. It went beyond any native desire or feeling I've ever held. It was a gift from somewhere else; it didn't come from me. And I gave these words to the world because I didn't know what else to do. N one of this is hyperbole. This is how I see her. This is how I feel. It felt like a gift that I saw what she is: her mind, her heart, her soul. (Besides all of that, she is ridiculously pretty.) Some may wonder what the big deal is, but they didn't see her to the depth I did. No human being has moved me like she did and continues to. I can't help but write about her. If anyone is asking if she is truly that special, yes, she is that special . The love she shows is beyond wor...

I'm thankful for so much. I'll never be able to capture it all in this space. I dwell too often on what I don't have. Yes, I still ache for some things; I submitted my desires to God. Today I'd like to dwell on what I do have. There are no words adequate enough to describe God's many gifts. I am blessed beyond what I can articulate. Since Thanksgiving is coming up, I thought I'd at least try to articulate some of my blessings.  I was exceedingly blessed by the love shown to me by people I've known in my 44 years. I wish I had been more aware of the decisions I was making as a kid (or as an adult), but I learned to forgive myself. That's a huge blessing in and of itself: forgiveness. The forgiveness God showed me I am able to show others, including myself. Thank God for forgiveness. It is truly a get-out-of-jail-free card. I was loved greatly. And I was greatly forgiven.  I'm thankful for God's direction. I was able to essentially start over in li...

Waiting. Sometimes it drives us nuts. Sometimes it produces fruit like patience. Sometimes it does both. Hey, I'm not where I want to be in life, but I'm positive I am where God wants me to be at the moment.  Today, I said yes to a job (no start date yet, but the paperwork begins). There was no logical reason why I hadn't been able to get a job until now except God said it wasn't time. Yesterday it felt like the health problems making me feel incredibly tired and ill evaporated. I now know the cause of that feeling (low-level carbon monoxide poisoning). I wouldn't have been able to work very well in that condition. God's timing is not always our timing, but it is the best timing. This is an incredible load off my mind. All of that. Yes, when you ask God for something good, you will get it. But you may not get it right away. And there are reasons for that. I'm sorry it took me 44 years to learn that. I have to be okay with whatever God does. It is the best wa...

It's never too late to learn in God's schoolhouse. That's a good thing. What I'm learning now is hard stuff, but I never learned it along the way. If you fail to pass a test with God, He gives you chances to try again. I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to wait. That is where I am now. One of the important things about waiting is it creates assurance of a specific direction. Are you sure? No? Maybe you haven't waited long enough. God needs to know you'll follow through.  It is hard for me to do these things because of my background. I have a hard time trusting anyone, including myself. And God. Waiting goes against human nature and the flesh. But patience is a fruit of the spirit and is worth it. So, if anyone cares to pray for me, please do. I'm going through a hard time. I just have to be faithful. That's it. Please pray I do that. These things may be hard, but they are always worth it. I absolutely believe God has some really amazing blessing...

If I could sum up my hopes and dreams in one photo, this might be it! I jest. Perhaps. Also, it looks like I have a while to wait, cus my future wife needs to grow up a bit. I jest again. This time for real.  But seriously.  Okay, I don't want to be serious. I have too much time on my hands at the moment. I wanted to take a nap today but took a bath instead. These decisions are hard to make. Tomorrow, it's back to the grind. Whatever that means.  I just wanted to post the picture because it is funny and it made me laugh and then hurt a little but figured I should also write something. So I did. There. Done. Have a blessed day.  My YouTube videos Click here for my new blog, None Dare Call It Treason.  

I started a video blog today for my therapy. I share the link here in case anyone wants to keep tabs on that. The first video was long because I don't know what I'm doing. Obvious audio/visual problems exist, plus my thoughts are slow in coming (didn't help that I hadn't eaten anything). It's clear this is not for everyone. Watch if you want. With practice, this could be a very effective therapy. I just need to clean it up a bit.  Thank you all for following along on this strange journey.  God bless. Click here for my new blog, None Dare Call It Treason.  

The photo above is heartbreaking. But that's how I feel. I am that dog. I look terrible and who would want me, but yet I have a purpose here on earth to fulfill. I have a job for a while and then I'll be gone.  I'm broken and beaten and scarred. Will someone take a chance on me?  People who experienced much trauma and abuse seem to heal best when they can help others. It's no wonder I've continually sought out opportunities like that, though I often proceed in a guarded manner. One of the biggest realizations I came to through writing this blog is how much PTSD has held me back from making decisions that lead to growth and healing. As with all major (and many minor) decisions, I've decided to give all my decisions to God, as I cannot be trusted to make the right decisions. I simply don't know what is best for me. That, unfortunately, is how I am programmed. There is a joke out there that says the biggest withdrawal symptom for recovering alcoholics and drug ...

Okay, maybe "obsessed" is a strong word. But here are some things I'm really into. Or moderately into. Or things I like. Or just things I'm okay with. Haha. Here is some stuff I have in my life. Or things I want in my life. Things I don't have enough of. Here is some stuff. Whatever.  Surely I've mentioned some of these before. And I apologize for taking a break from posting for a while, as I moved and am trying to settle in (and neither of those are easy tasks), was also without internet for a week and a half, and then the data on my phone ran out. This is probably a dumb and/or redundant post, but I felt the need to write something different. Because there is a risk of sounding OCD, I should state I'm not actually an obsessive personality. I am an ordinary man. I'm methodical, meticulous, and detail-oriented. I admit that. I keep track of things. I'm responsible and organized. Obsessed is the wrong word, but I'll use it anyway. Here are some ...