my careless contagion

In the book of Proverbs, there is a verse that says, "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he." I believe this is a spiritual perishing, but what is true in the spiritual is often true in the physical, as well; otherwise, Jesus wouldn't have used physical truths to reveal spiritual truths. The two realities often reveal one another. I think of the physical realm as the tip of an iceberg. The spiritual realm is the unseen part. It looms much larger than we realize. But we get a sense of it through the physical realm.  While I've been engaged in a pretty intensive retrospective — a retrospective I am not done with, by the way — I have also been thinking quite a bit about my future. Do I have a vision for the future? Am I doomed to perish? Is it too soon? Does it matter? I mean, it feels like my life is over anyway. Given the sheer embarrassment my life has turned into, it's only natural I've retreated to a...

"Just say you're sorry," I said, over and over again.  My son was crying, and it was obvious he felt sorry, but he just couldn't say it. He had pushed his friend off a chair while they were playing, and his friend went splaying out across the hard floor. I think he did eventually say he was sorry, but it was like pulling teeth. Why is saying sorry so hard?  I've talked about the ex-Marine teacher who humiliated me in front of my entire class (when we were trying out for parts for a play/musical thing) when I was in like the 7th grade. He made fun of the way I talked. I admit, I probably have a speech impediment of some sort (I blame my constantly-inflamed tonsils). He should have apologized in front of the entire class for humiliating me. Public mistakes deserve a public apology. And he could have apologized one-on-one for humiliating me, but he didn't. Instead, he insisted he was right that I was wrong for the small part I had and suggested I not do i...

We Don't Talk Anymore by Charlie Puth is a nice pop song. It's a well-done (even the video, which shows both sides), somewhat understated song. Puth's voice is a rarity in the pop realm. It's smooth, not grating, and embraces the notes instead of smacking them upside the head. It's an endearing approach to singing and a little bit of a breath of fresh air. I've admired his voice since the first time I heard him on the radio. Selena Gomez appears on this track. I have to admit, their voices work really well together. That's a rare thing with duet-type songs. Usually, there's a power play with duets, with one voice trying to rise above the other. I don't hear that here.  I don't listen to the radio much anymore because I don't drive that much anymore. So, I have to admit, today is the first day I've heard this song. I like it. It's not over-sexualized or gross. It's just a nice song.  So, clearly, I was attracted to this son...

My life is over. My body is broken. My mind is like Swiss cheese. Somehow, my heart keeps beating. There's nothing else I want to do. My life has been a comical disaster, penetrated at times by both the storms of life and pure magic. I have loved and lost love. I have fought and fucked. But, what happened two years ago when I knew I was undeniably in love with the loveliest woman I've ever known was like a revelation — like being reborn. It was like seeing the world for the first time. The songs of birds in the trees were sweeter. The cold of winter much more bearable. The smell of her flesh was like an intoxicant. Simple things, even, like the way her hair fell over her ears was like I had never seen anything so beautiful before. She had her way with me in a way previously thought impossible. She ran through me with a freedom I had never given anyone before. The whole thing was as powerful as it was brief. It was only a few months, bu...

I am done. No more classes. No more books. No more teachers' ... emails.  As much as I would love to continue my education, it's okay if I don't. I miss my son, and the time I spent reading and doing assignments and tests and discussion posts can now be spent with him.  I feel grateful to have finally finished a two-year degree. I know it's not a real degree, but it's something . It may not mean anything in the real world, especially at my age, but it feels good. Once upon a time, I took an academic scholarship to a community college (based mostly on my ACT score of 29) for granted. Now, I am extremely grateful to have finally completed an associate's degree and to have completed it after more than 20 years' hiatus. How ironic. How I've grown. It's anticlimactic. It's just over. Part of me will miss it. Part of me was ready for a break. I've been taking classes on and off since 2017. I've barely had time for living during the ...

The Gaslight Anthem is a band that is hard to describe. They are one of the brightest spots in rock and roll in the past 15 years. I can't describe their first two albums in any other terms but "genius" and "perfect." They are that good. I remember seeing them in Columbus, Ohio. As I recall, the audience was a good mix of young and old, which is always a good thing. It shows a band has an appeal beyond a certain demographic. It was a good show, even though we were in the balcony. The Gaslight Anthem is fronted by Brain Fallon, and they are originally from New Jersey. An odd fact about the album this song is from (The '59 Sound) is Dicky Barrett (of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones) sings backup on one of the tracks.  Right from the start, The Gaslight Anthem was compared to some of the best rock acts of all time. Bruce Springsteen was an obvious comparison, but the band borrows so widely, I think that's almost an unfair comparison. They were too good to...

There is something destructive in love. At least, for me, there was always something destructive. Maybe I should say there is something self-destructive in love. It's a passion that can make one lay all else aside to chase it. The right woman can start a fire in a man that is never-ending. Or it can last for a moment, and then it's gone. There are parts that are never the same again. As a man who loves hard, I can say the loss of love comes even harder. Choosing the wrong woman is just another form of self-destruction. I can't see through the veil of anger right now. I can't see my future. I am wrapped — as with a blanket — in pure hate. I hate myself. I want to die. There is so much self-hatred inside me right now, it feels like it will explode. The reasons have become clear. I've had so many self-destructive habits (like smoking, drinking, workaholism, etc.). I've wanted to erase my existence for as long as I can remember. Where did all of this hate come ...

  How such a rich forest of emotions grew up overnight, I'll never know. Without care and without tenderness, all around me it grew. It was like a scene from a movie, only it was real and I was in wonder. I was no jaded audience member whining about the CGI. It was as real as the pin-pricks of a freshly-picked rose's thorns. And just as easily as it sprang up, it cried out for water. The shallow roots of the tender plants weren't strong enough to hold them over until the next rain. The fields grew tired and wilted, cried out and died a drawn-out death.  I knew it was all too good to be true. Things like that don't happen to me. Love like that doesn't just come into my life. It was over before I realized it, before I even had a chance to enjoy it. It was almost like a dream, like I had simply imagined it. I was left with the things that had grown around me — trees almost as tall as the sky itself and undergrowth that was once flowering and beautiful — but they w...

There are many things I've started in my life. Many things lay unfinished on the floor of my feeble mind, little snippets scattered about as if by a capricious wind. About 20 years ago, I rediscovered one of those unfinished things. My novel. But why am I bringing this up now? Y'all are going to think I'm making this up. The story was that of a man who was trying to put his life back together after the girl of his dreams broke his heart. When I started writing it, I do not know. Obviously, I wrote it after a heartbreak, but which one? I was in the loft of my downtown apartment when I discovered it, got angry with it, and threw it away. It was written on large sheets of yellow legal paper ( I started writing on legal paper when I was in high school) , and I was about 30 pages deep in it. I wish I had kept that truncated story. It would have been a valuable clue to understanding what went wrong in those early years. It could have stood as a time capsule of sorts. Or I...

Walter Mitty is a character created by James Thurber. But he could be any of us. He could be me.  The world was originally introduced to Walter Mitty in the short story The Secret Life of Walter Mitty , then later on in book form. Thurber loosely based the character on his friend Walter Mithoff we're told. What makes Walter interesting is not his actual life, but, rather, the life he lives in his head. As an introvert, I can identify with the character. If I said half the shit my head wanted to say, I would be the most polarizing character ever. But at least I wouldn't live a boring life.  Daydreaming is a great way to leave your humdrum life. At least for a little while. Eventually, you have to go back to the grind. I think I've spent the majority of the last two years living the daydream life, which isn't really living. It's hard when you want something so much yet can't have it. If you could imagine it to life, you would. If you don't have the tool...

This is the third and final installment of the changed-by-divorce posts. What has been perhaps the most surprising change can be seen in my body. What was once a thing of ... um, well, not a thing of beauty, but a thing less hideous than it is now, has become a thing of ... well, kind of a crime scene.  I've never been a big dude. Never been very strong. I'm just a regular guy. All around ... regular. Just a dude. Nothing special. I preferred to have sex with the lights off when I used to have sex because there just isn't anything exciting about my body. That was then. And this is now.  I can't even imagine having sex with a woman. Mostly because my body is at its worst state since I can remember. I could liken it to several types of livestock. Let's just say I've embraced middle age in a BIG way. It's great, really. Kinda liberating. Until I look in the mirror.   It's not like I'd even know what to do with a woman anymore. I don't rem...

Part two of how I've changed through the course of my divorce is similar to part one, only I want to flesh it out. This is another long post and is a raw, real look at who I am now in outlook and prospects. The seeds of divorce were planted long ago — in my childhood, even — and grew to encompass not only the pain endured in my marriage but my entire life as well.  When I sat down with my lawyer and initially talked about why I was leaving my wife, he asked what led me to darken his door. Well, I said I had about 100 reasons for divorcing her. Indeed, and more. I could have talked about the infidelity. That seems to be a quick enough summation for most people. However, the infidelity was a minor infraction and just part of a larger complex of behavior on my ex-wife's part. This is the part where some of you may get mad at me. You see, Kate is just a typical American woman. She wanted it all. I wanted her to have it all. I wanted her to be happ...