Posts

Never too late

Image
There's something wrong in all of this, something I cannot figure out. Something is turning me away from walking down that dark corridor and into a greater understanding. It's not a matter of who is to blame. It's just a matter of knowing the truth, whether it's ugly or not. I've never shied away from knowing the truth; it's been the only thing I've ever cared about. It's my vocation; everything else is just a job. That girl is a puzzle. There's something impossible about her. What drove me so far away from her? What led me back? I thought she would be mine; I thought she rejected me. What on earth happened all those years ago? Is there any way to know? Is there anything I can do short of falling on my face and pleading to the Almighty for answers? All I hear is, "The past is the past."  Then it happened again. The same thing. I was drawn back to that place, to that same puzzled hurt. When I look in the mirror, it's clea...

Hopeless

Image
There's no hope for me. I've gone off the deep end. I hesitate to talk to her because I know it gets worse afterward. If I don't talk to her, I know I can go on for a while. When I hear her voice, I know I can't. I want her now.  When she goes away, it's like a hole being torn in my chest. It becomes an ill-fated attempt to touch her. The reaching never ends because I never actually touch her. So begins the desperate crawl through my days and weeks until she becomes less real. Gradually, the hole fills in. Until the next time she crashes into my world.  I've missed her 100,000 different ways, sometimes all in the same day. I don't know what to do with myself; none of this even seems possible. Yet, I am wholly, completely, tragically, hopelessly in love with her. I would do anything for her, and I have. She asked me to step away from her, which is the hardest thing I've ever done. She needed time; she needed space. You know, those things th...

Bowling alley bar

Image
*If there's a band that sums up the way I feel about my 20+ year relationship that ended this year, that band is The Handsome Family. I don't know that I've ever heard a collection of songs that can trigger so much unhappiness in me.  You could describe this band as alternative country, gothic country, or a number of other sub-genres. I remember the night I found this band. I was perusing music on the internet because we'd had a fight and she went to her mom's house for the night. It was like my heart went and found the soundtrack for how I was feeling.  I could have picked a hundred different songs for this post, but this one was one of her favorites. I can't even describe how I feel about this failed relationship. It is one of the most disappointing things I've ever tried and failed at, endured, pumped life into, whatever you want to say. The Handsome Family is a husband and wife core (Brett and Rennie Sparks) with other musicians coming...

Spaceman

Image
*I must have listened to this song a dozen times over the last couple of weeks. Every time I think I have it figured out, I realize I don't. The lyrics don't help. The imagery is Carnival-esque, with the dancers and the giant devil skull, the throwing of the whatever to the empty desert night. My favorite part may be when Brandon Flowers "plays" the drums with the puppies at the end. I guess if you can't figure out what a song or video is about, you can just say it's about drugs. And it may be just that. Maybe I think too much. Or maybe I just like puzzles. Either way, I like this song. If the spaceman says we're going to be alright, that this is all in our minds, then I will at least take that with me. We all need to hear that from time to time. When you've lost seemingly everything and you're drifting through the cold night of space, you really need to hear that.* It started with a low light, Next thing I knew they ripped me fro...

Quit you like men

Image
My brothers and I dressed in our Sunday finest. Family get-togethers can be hard for me. As someone I once knew would say, "Going home reminds of why you left." And, for me, there were so many reasons. Why did I move more than 1,000 miles away from my parents and hours away from my brothers? Even though they were a day's drive away, I still didn't visit them unless I was rolling through on my way to some other place. Even then, I often wouldn't stop. At first glance, it would seem that I'm a bad son and brother. I can't really deny that, but there's more to the story. I have two brothers; the oldest is seven years older. The other is three and a half years older. I was never unaware of my status as the youngest, the smallest, the runt. It was constantly reinforced. When my brothers got BMX bikes, I got a retro girly-looking thing. With training wheels. Hot Liner. All the kids wanted one, right? Perpetually tagging along and r...

Like magic

Image
It's like magic to hear her voice. I'm transported to a place where I feel sane again, like I'm right by her side. I don't know how she does it, but she does it every time. Her voice goes right through my skin, right to my heart. It quickens me like no other sound in the world. If I could just have her voice and nothing else, it might be enough. Then again, it may not.    There is such longing in me to have her completely. One call from her and my sleep for the week is ruined. I cry out for her all night long. Does she hear me? Can she feel my hands searching for her in my cold and empty sheets?  It's like I'm in love for the first time. This is all new to me. I feel so much, and it has nowhere to go. She's outside of me, but she's also the blood that runs in my veins. And she runs hot. I have nothing but wishes for us. There's nothing I actually possess. Maybe this is the way great love stories start. Maybe this is the way...

Ruined

Image
I lost a woman who meant more to me than anyone I've ever known. She ruined me, unfortunately. For all time. The rest of my life.  How does it feel, sir, to be so ruined? To be completely, utterly ruined? To realize that you could never in your life have something so great as what you had with her for a brief moment of your life?  Well, it feels bad.  Does it make you want to give up? Does it make you want to hurt yourself, hurt her, hurt anyone? Does it make you want to die? I feel grateful for what I had because it was a rare gift that I never expected. I know I can't have her back, but that doesn't negate the beauty of what happened between us. It doesn't take any of it away. It's okay for me to feel sad because I lost something of great worth. My sadness just means I miss her and what we had.  There's sadness because she's not mine. There's also sadness for the next woman I'm with. She will never have me completely becaus...

A bleeding soldier

Image
My parents in 1984 surveying the house they were having built. I have this memory, but not because I actually remember it. I was too young to remember it, but the story was retold often enough by my mother that it seems like I actually have the memory.  I was very young. It was the mid-1980s. My parents had a house built (which went wildly over budget) in 1984 on Happy Hollow Street in a little town in the Southern Black Hills in South Dakota. Parents raised their kids a little differently then than they do now. There was also the matter of finances, which meant that a babysitter wasn't always possible. My parents had a colleague leave their company and start up a competing business across the street. In order to compete, they were putting in 100 hour weeks, both of them. This continued for years.  My mom didn't want to work, but my dad was the boss and women were working a lot in those days, so he said she should too. She started out as the bookkeeper, setting ty...

Like a comet

Image
If I ever see that girl again, and if we're ever alone, I will fall down on my knees, crumble like no man ever should and hold her ankles tight. I will break before her eyes, and she will see something she's never seen before. She will see the most broken man say the most pitiful things. He'll say he's so sorry, the sorriest he's ever been in his life. He'll say he can't go on any longer, the regret is tearing him apart. He'll say he'll do anything to help her get her life back, just say the word and he'll do it. Please, please, just let me do it.   I get it now. I see why you had to leave me. I see what it means for you to carry on, and I don't want you to do that. I want you to have what you had, and I know what that means for me. If there's an altar somewhere, I'll sacrifice myself to this cause. If there's a time machine, I'll buy it for us. If there's a way -- any way to undo what I've done -- I'll do ...

What forever felt like

Image
Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Maybe this is it. Maybe it's already gone. What I wanted and what I needed were two different things. Who's to tell me that tomorrow will be any different?  When she looks in on me, I'm sure what she sees alarms her, pricks her heart, dismays her, and shakes her. There's a whole lot of bleeding going on in here, girl. You may need your goggles on. You may need to hold your breath and pinch your nose. There are wounds here being sutured tight, but in the dimness of the light, you can see my face gone blank, gone white, just ... gone.  Do you know how long I've been like this? When you knew me as a boy, I was already so damaged, defeated, destitute. I wonder if your heart saw my pain, took pity, and decided to love me. I wonder if you ever knew how much I would love you.  No one was ever meant to see and hear these words. But, I've let you see them all. I've invited you right in. Does it make you feel luc...

This unbreakable heart

Image
That Saturday morning when the hammer came down I begged her not to do it I said she shouldn't see me if she had those things to say I held her hand and prayed but I could feel she was a thousand miles away When she told me  what was in her heart I could not blame her neither could I look her in the eyes The tears fell on my hands my useless, stupid hands I knew it was coming but I was paralyzed I watched her as she dressed and she became even prettier right before my eyes I can see her there in the bathroom mirror in that beautiful dress We decided we couldn't see each other anymore as we parted the hot, humid air as we sat near each other but so far apart She had to go though it seemed early I knew she was already so far away As I held her one last time her body convulsed as it was her turn to cry and then her turn to leave I can't forget her beautiful smile her perfect face ...

Some thoughts on thinking too much

Image
I don't know that I've ever been so disappointed with myself as I am right now. I can no longer hide from my actions, what I've done to someone so precious to me. The changes I've brought to her life have been many, and hurtful. When before there was a perfect family union – one girl and one boy, two parents who loved them – now there is a rift and brokenness and an unholy hole in everyone's hearts. This is my legacy. This is my torment. Love doesn't always look like what we think it should. Sometimes love is keeping your distance and minding your own business. I love the animals I see when I take my walks in the forest, but I do not try to touch them or take them home. I should have treated the woman I love the same way: look but don't touch. My eyes are red in the mirror as I start my day. My day ends the same way. I've been crying, but not for my own sake. I can see her, walking through the wasteland of her world, jus...

Spoiler alert: he dies in the end

Image
I woke with a start. I knew I couldn't go back to sleep. It was 5 a.m., and my heart was pounding because the dreams were so real, because I was at my own funeral, and wasn't it ironic, man? There I was, walking, trying not to get hit by cars when I crossed the road, amazed by all the people who I knew and didn't know who wanted to see me put in the ground. The truth is, I feel like that most days. Like I died so long ago, left myself in the dirt somewhere. Where? My boyhood home? That night I didn't kiss the girl? The night I kissed the wrong girl? The night she cried in her underwear on the dining room floor and it was so cold? Maybe when I left her behind in that place, when I drove those lonely miles to start a new life? When she told me with the devil in her eyes that she would kill me if I left her? Every day is another step closer to that day they put me in the ground. Why is it so important that people are there to see it when I'm not even there...

Thank you

Image
Thank you, sweet girl because you've led me into this world where I see things I could never have seen otherwise Thank you for taking my hand and leading me here I will be forever grateful The colors are different the sky brighter in the day darker and colder at night My hands perspire when I watch movies and see scenes I've seen before but I see them for the first time And I know you are with me for you have touched me deeply irrevocably, eternally And the tears stream down my face because I've witnessed a miracle in me.