my careless contagion

I woke with a start. I knew I couldn't go back to sleep. It was 5 a.m., and my heart was pounding because the dreams were so real, because I was at my own funeral, and wasn't it ironic, man? There I was, walking, trying not to get hit by cars when I crossed the road, amazed by all the people who I knew and didn't know who wanted to see me put in the ground. The truth is, I feel like that most days. Like I died so long ago, left myself in the dirt somewhere. Where? My boyhood home? That night I didn't kiss the girl? The night I kissed the wrong girl? The night she cried in her underwear on the dining room floor and it was so cold? Maybe when I left her behind in that place, when I drove those lonely miles to start a new life? When she told me with the devil in her eyes that she would kill me if I left her? Every day is another step closer to that day they put me in the ground. Why is it so important that people are there to see it when I'm not even there...

If there's one thing I know right now, as I stare out the window, is that she does not belong to me. She never has and never will. She will always be his. What great arrogance it was that brought me to my knees in this empty, sacred place where we realize things that we should have seen long ago. Too little, too late to do a thing about it. I can't put back anything that's out of place anywhere but my own life. But,  I struggle just to get out of bed most days. The years showed me things, some of them unkind. They showed me I had been left behind. They showed me that no matter how hard I tried to keep up, it was impossible. I had been marked as one of the Left Behinds. It's okay. I'm well aware of this fact, and I've accepted it. The world went on, and I grew tired and cold. My life was increasingly meaningless. She reminded me of so many things, so many wonderful things that could have been but were not. And never could be. She reminded me o...

I don't know the time, but I know it's the killing hour it's the time of night when she comes and slays me in my bed again My teeth are clenched as her body moves against mine my hands speak for me my pleading, prying cause She sighs, exhales, turns toward me my eyes are shut because I know if I open them she won't be there Her top leg reaches over mine and draws me closer her arm goes under mine and fingers dig into my back She presses her body on mine her lips search my face, my neck, my chest her eyelashes flutter in the dark sleepily her body says yes Every nerve in my body is at attention every synapse is awake and alive the fabric between us evaporates with tenderness and carefulness  Her breath is hot on my face her body is warm and moist her smell is driving me wild but I am paralyzed Tears squeeze out my tightly-shut eyes frustration mounts if she were here, oh, if she were really h...

She's too good to be true I've said it most of my life and when she walked away from me I really knew it was true Starting from the top she has brains and she uses them she loves God more than anything else She's the kindest creature I've ever known brightening the lives of those she touches entering their hearts and minds as she has entered mine She wants to do what's right even if it means taking on a fight is willing to work through hard stuff for those she loves She loves harder than anyone I've ever seen won't give up, won't give in for anything she's tender, but she's strong stronger than anything I know The rest is too easy but she leaves me hurting just by being just by looking my way or looking away Her eyes are like perfectly-cut diamonds her face is lovely her smile brighter than the sun She may be the sexiest woman I've known her body is lithe, sleek, t...

At first, it was just a little drip drip then it hemorrhaged into something more soon I was sitting in a pool of it surrounded by it watching it creep out from me in a big circle It became clear some time ago I wasn't going to make it not at this rate And all I can say is I guess I'm fine because I still hear the questions and I say it all the time I guess this is okay the way my life is dripping away spreading out from me like it can't get away fast enough I guess it's okay that I went the wrong way made the wrong turn got sucked into this decay I guess it's okay that my loneliness won and I can't see past my hand because I'm losing too much blood I guess it's okay the way things feel today because I know tomorrow is going to feel worse I guess it's okay that I think so much about God because I want this to be over I want to go home These are my mistakes ...

It's a brand-new world you've been born into a world of wonder a world of pain and uncertainty But this is what you wanted this is what you needed maybe it's not too late, you said to start over Before she left town that girl said she couldn't do it couldn't make it You said you could make up the difference spread your legs I'll do the rest But she was waging a different war and she needed to get back home she could see you crying in her rearview mirror Little did she know she took a part of you that day the most important part still beating in the passenger seat You'll never see her again because she saw that thing in you that thing that you know no one should ever see Most days I pray just to make it back to my bed so I can hold her in my dreams so I can kiss her on the mouth on her neck, down her back so I can smell her hair and taste her skin run my hands down her t...

    It was a one-two punch mourning the loss of two girls at once some days it felt like the pain would last forever I'm better now at least, some days I am I cry a lot: when I'm alone in my apartment when I've driving when I read books when I watch movies sometimes at work if I can hurry away in time always before I fall asleep and sometimes when I wake up I've lost everything hit rock bottom have wallowed in it have swallowed it become it I don't know why I persist I guess because I'm the only one who can live this life someone has to do it Is it true what they say when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up? Now is when I find out.

    Driving somewhere driving nowhere driven to distraction driven just to drive My constant companion my radio sings the sweetest songs and other ones too The songs help me remember and help me forget Just when I think I've forgotten she cuts through me – with a gasp – she's got me again Riding through my thoughts without a thought she cuts through my skin like it's paper I could argue that she never leaves me she's always in my head but there are moments when she has her way with me If I could make her mine I would If there was any way I would do it I had to let her go but she won't let go of me in the night and all day long It's like she's embedded in every single thought and when I drive she's in every single song.

I remember her and her smile it was so weak and she was so sick She was beautiful in dresses, jeans jacket, underwear or nothing at all And those eyes they lit up my world that perfect smile could captivate me forever I couldn't get enough she was all mine for just a moment but what a moment it was Wrapping my arms around her for the last time I hoped against all hope I would see her again I'd take reality over fantasy any day if she could just be mine I let her go but I'll remember her one last smile.

Is there something to be said something to be done to take this pain away? The world is cracked and I am too The world is dying I know the feeling What makes this life worth living? I haven't a clue the answer isn't in me nor is it in you Love is a lie here today, gone tomorrow life is a beast devouring souls What is the point, dear God? what is this senseless drama about? what is the rhyme the reason, the season It's all broken broken on top of broken lying next to broken utterly, stupidly broken Scars don't make you stronger pain doesn't make you wiser all of this endeavors to make one ugly I don't have anything left I stare blankly at the sky without even the courage or will to die.

There are parts of me that are dying some are dead already that's okay; let them decay I must not need them anyway there's so much death here I have to hold my breath or risk choking on the fetid smell This grand new life this bold adventure requires much daily sacrifice I sacrifice my old self every day I've crawled out of so much rottenness so much disease destruction, chaos But I'm alive and, surprisingly, no -- shockingly -- happy I couldn't outrun the pain the rain or this stubborn stain I call my life I exist I am thankful and I can't wait for another day.

I sit I stir I sit again I stir again I wait I sigh there are so many images flashing in my mind's eye The windows reveal nothing my prayers never cease you've bound me to you I have nowhere to go What I've learned, dear is my end is near I've grown old unexpectantly Waiting for you to reappear is a game I'd rather not play Holding my breath I claw at my chest unable to move watch me dissipate sublimate rust away decay.

All those miles of text between us all those songs I played that spoke for me All that time -- 21 years! and you finally put it together you finally figured it out what my love looks like I poured my heart out for you my lifeblood too my time, my talents my everything Only to be spurned only to be burned beaten, left behind well, not this time Our time has run out our morning has turned to night and our night to this What is it driving me this way? what was it that got in our way? I don't know but it isn't my love, dear.

Maybe you see me as a brute a monster in search of flesh Maybe you fear me my appetites my passion my desire My love, I am just a man in love with just one woman You're my perfect my dream my everything my whole world If you could see my heart you'd know I'm all yours for better or for worse I want to hold you seep into you become a part of you forever You are my one and only the only star in my sky since the beginning we were made for each other Let me hold you, love do you feel my heart on you? does it speak to you? cry out for you? One day I'll be gone I want the world to know you were mine before I run out of time Darling, I fear the end is near The night is spent so let me hold you, dear If this is all I have -- this empty bed -- then let me imagine you here filling my last perfect moments with your peace.

Eat, sleep, breathe and keep doing the same Eat, sleep, breathe until you remember your name and all the things that used to matter There's something familiar in this pain it's my heart giving up rolling over and dying every day is the same tragedy What makes it beat what makes it care what makes it continue without a reason? It's the whisper of something on the wind in the trees beyond my reach It's hope that this won't last forever it's believing  that I'm nearly there Dear God, remember my frame I am but dust here for a moment and never again I keep hoping I keep waiting I keep repeating what I have to repeat Up comes the sun and on goes my facade another day another lesson in heartbreak.

Your back is turned but I can see your face in the mirror Your eyes are closed but your whole world is open to me Pressing myself on you is like a dream come true The only thing that takes away my ache is crashing into you Girl, you're everything I need right now and I know I'm everything you want we're trading spit and trading paint When I first laid eyes on you I never knew we'd go down this way -- mean, like animals My hands are possessive my mind is full of adjectives my mouth whispers expletives and you make the best noises I want this to last forever but it's just as well this kind of forever would bleed me dry When your eyes open and I'm past spent we carry on like nothing happened we smile at ourselves in the mirror before we say goodbye.

Someday you'll be mine -- wrapped up, held-to-my-chest mine Someday we'll be free and clear to love and we'll never fear what may come Someday has become our strangely familiar word oft-repeated, often cursed but it's more real every day This isn't perfect but I know you're perfect for me hold my hand, dear we're almost in the clear You are a gift I can't wait to open every day I thank God you're still here What do I have to do to let you feel me across such a distance? my pitiful words can't work hard enough can't say enough can't make you mine fast enough Someday You'll get weak in my arms and I'll hold you with a strength I don't possess right now I'll take your love and you'll take mine just like we've imagined about a million times My hands will speak what they've been unable to say my mouth will be on yours and our bodies will fuse Someday ...

This is all things bleeding this is all the end what can I say today to speak comfort into you? This is things broken and this is things spoken down to the wire and feelings on fire What I imagined for you is so much better than this what I always wanted was perfect and painless In the night and in the day I know you cry out I know you feel for something beyond this hollow place The pain won't last forever the night gives way to dawn the scars will remain but it won't feel the same You are held in His hand held close while you cry In the shadow of His wings in the blink of an eye One day this will be a memory and not a moment of death in this world of pain I will hold you close, forever to my chest We will breathe the same air I will get tangled in your hair share everything we can share and feel broken no more One day we'll get there you and me holding hands walking forward into a brand new day One day I...

Well, it's you and me as uneasy as can be as petulant as children waiting for the storm to pass Just you and me with seemingly nothing to look forward to but the end of the world -- we can watch it on TV Groaning under these heavy skies you and I are paralyzed heavy in heart and coming undone -- are we having fun? You make faces and I make excuses and I can't seem to wait to stab your heart again can you tell me why are we doing this again? Why is the sun hiding from us why is God silent with us why is my heart refusing to make an appearance? Well, it's you and me darling dragging this corpse between us the storm has passed but I still can't look at you I'm sorry for my failures I'm a man, after all I'm sorry for leaving you alone with the remnants of me -- coffee stains, suicide notes notebooks full of pain that never missed a chance of assuring us we can never escape this pointless ending.