What I've never done

I have a fantasy. I’ve never done it with any woman. I know we talked about it once. I lost my nerve. Maybe because it seems so impossible. 

It seems like such a simple request. It’s not kinky. It’s not even sexual. But, it has to do with everything. And with absolutely nothing. Does that make sense? 


I want it to be you. I want you to be the one. Will you fulfill my wonton fantasy, my virulent desire? I longed for this. For years. Never has it seemed possible. Even now, I wonder. 


No, perhaps you will laugh. Or, perhaps you won’t. My heart hangs in the balance. I decide that, even if you do laugh, you may understand enough to say yes. How can I ask? How can I explain? Maybe I will just try and see if you go along, ask as if it was a normal request. Or not say anything at all. Just do it and expect you to comply. But what if you say no? 


If it was something kinky, you would say yes. If it was something that pushed the envelope, you wouldn’t bat an eye. Why am I wondering what you will say to such a small and insignificant thing? Because it’s not small or insignificant to me. 


What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just ask? Maybe I should run it by my therapist first. (Okay, I don't have a therapist, so that's out.) It probably relates to something from long ago. If so, I have a guess. Knowing or not knowing doesn’t staunch the naked burning in my soul … for such a simple request. 


I want you to sit with me on the couch. Wait. I want to lay my head on your lap. There's more. I want you to let me. Sleep. And I want to wake up, look up at you, and know you held me when I was most vulnerable. And when I woke up, we were both still there. And I was safe. 

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