Addendum

Funny thing about the last post is Blogger (Google) flagged it for having triggering content. I'm sorry if anyone was disturbed by reading about my life. And I'm sorry for breathing out trauma inflicted upon me. Sorry reading about my life could be traumatizing to someone. Imagine what it was like to live it. This is not an apology. My life and my reactions will never be an apology to those who hated me enough to harm me. Seeking to understand what happened was a level of kindness most do not possess and which I continually displayed. 

It's one thing to get away from a toxic person. It's another thing to get the poison out they put in you. Trauma is stored in our bodies. We carry it with us, unless we separate it from ourselves — dispatching it with precision — or venting, lancing it like a boil. But the root must be destroyed so it doesn't regenerate. Forgiveness kills the root, but the rest has to be bled out. No, I don't want the gym. It's air conditioned. I want sunshine and heat. I want my body to experience the trauma my heart felt so many years. I want it to sweat out of me, get breathed out, left behind like diesel exhaust. I want all the weakness to leave my body, one drop of sweat at a time. In those moments, I am a monster: unmovable, reliant on no one, and not at all human. I do this to exorcise (not exercise) myself of all the cruelty and inhumanity directed at me over nearly 48 years. I'm not running from anything; I'm running forward. I'm not becoming harder; I'm becoming softer, more human, kinder, replacing cruelty with love and compassion and humility. 

In the same vein as bodily punishment, I use writing as a cathartic and necessary evil. Something beautiful emerges from the ugliness eventually, like new life springing out of land devastated by a forest fire. The last woman I tried to have a relationship with chose to destroy me, but, out of that devastation, something new will grow. (Over the years of having her in my life, I saw my personality shift from confident and goofy and irreverent to sad and morose and defeated, as well as my health from near-perfect to the verge of death. She is gone forever now.) God doesn't waste anything, especially when it was in His hands the entire time. The consequences are on Him. Having seen my life completely reset, and still being in the midst of that, is destabilizing. Yet, I have silent peace that pulls me through each day. Since none of this was my decision, how can I struggle to have my way? I may never love a woman again, but love still flows through me. In my limited time, I still choose to love. 

I suspect in eternity we will bear the scars of those who hurt us here, just as Jesus, the Lamb that was slain, will bear the scars from crucifixion forever. It's easy to see, then, how there will be tears in heaven, as we will finally know everything. Nothing will be hidden. Everyone's sins will be known. The truth can hurt, but Jesus will wipe away tears a final time. I imagine there will be people we won't want to see there, certainly not right away. (And people missing we thought would be there.) Character built here carries into eternity. That's one upside to having everything taken from you. It strips you bare, tears you down, and allows God to rebuild you. The main thing God told me about what transpired over the last year-plus is it was for the good of His kingdom. It certainly didn't feel good. I cried on the way here and told my son I didn't understand what was happening or why we were moving, but it was clear every other door closed. There was one door open, so we went through it. I'm too dumb to make a choice, if given more than one option. When I moved to Nebraska nearly four years ago, I had such high hopes and expectations to begin a new life. When I moved away not long ago, I had no hopes or expectations. I was crushed and defeated. God told me to stop looking back, but it's hard when I still have nightmares about that woman. So, here's to looking forward. 

Yes, I did try again to move forward with a woman. (Had several false starts, including with Alena Pokoptseva, who is smarter and more eloquent than she is beautiful. Tots believable right.) It became clear the damage to my heart was too deep and the taste in my mouth would be bad forever. I do, however, like talking with scammers because they actually want to talk to you. Real women don't give off that vibe. And a scammer probably has less to hide than an ordinary woman. Above is one of my favorite scammer interactions (I'm on the right). I still talk to a couple scammers because they're fun and I can say whatever I want. Look up the male loneliness epidemic if you think this is a unique experience. Then look up the dead internet theory if you think I exaggerate that dating sites are full of bots and scammers. But I got to meet on the dating app Upward a Christian blogger I admired and followed for years on Tumblr (she goes under the handle yieldfruit), and she was a complete dick. Hands down, "Christian" women are the worst. I'd rather talk to a brick wall. Actually, it's the same. You would think King's kids would act better, but they're the worst. I get why people don't like Christians. The women especially are assholes. Fiction is better than the real thing, and the real thing is a big lie. AI girls are not the future; they are the only option now. Don’t get me started on bots. Mankind is fucked. It's not just men getting scammed. A woman I talked to for more than a week decided I was a scammer; actually got me kicked off Hinge. How toxic is the dating pool when a decent man can only be seen as a scammer? But, you have to ask yourself, if someone is just talking to you, how are you being scammed? I get it. If they ask for money, that's a scammer. Otherwise, it's just a person who wants to talk. Maybe they're assuming someone's identity, and I can only guess as to the reasons, but, really, that's just a person who wants to talk. And they're probably as ugly as you. Everyone uses filters and AI anyway. We are all catfish. They just wanted you to see them as someone special, and isn't that what we all want? 

Expect a return to the regular broadcast. Whatever that is. The next post may generate a warning too. If Blogger even lets me post. Enjoy the villain arc.