my careless contagion

My post entitled "Then surprise me" was written for no one in particular, though I shared it with my muse. I had to disconnect from everything and everyone to write it, as it was greatly unlike me. I fleshed out the characters as best I could, yet it felt unnatural. Still, Julia, who says she likes rough sex, enjoyed it. I took out a lot of the internal dialog because it was too long, and, for the record, I would never share something like that with a woman I intended to be with, even though many women have that fantasy. I don't believe it's in me to do those things. But, under the right conditions, a human is capable of anything. I saw people do and say things I never imagined. Yes, before I pass along this blog as a legacy, I plan on unpublishing some posts. For now, they stand because they are part of my journey.  Julia was upset with me because I looked her up outside of the app, saying I got ahead of her. I remember she told me there were things she was going to ...

It took most of my life to see the woman who destroyed me for who she really was. Maybe someone thought it was an over-reaction to move away. I won't get into the prayer and testing that went into that decision over several months. It wasn't predicated on one thing, and I made it clear to God what I wanted, but He allowed doors to close and opened only one, so here I am. I will come across others like the one who hurt me in a deadly way, but facts like this show how important it is to seal those poisonous people off forever and never speak to them or come across them again . They are literally spiritual vampires. I believe the nature of our relationship and how it was ended was so poisonous, it was literally killing me to stay there. The funny thing is, I knew we were trauma bonding early on, even saying so. It felt good to leave that darkness behind, otherwise it would wear at me every day and constantly fatigue my immune system.  If anyone was concerned about my health, the b...

I went to bed before you came home, I was so tired. Yet, I drifted in and out of sleep, as if something was beckoning me, pulling at me, speaking to me. At one point, I woke in a sweat, swearing off Mexican food forever (I hadn’t had Mexican), sure that something was in the room with me. I felt something repeatedly touch my boxers, pulling at them, tugging, like they were sideways on my body. Then I was back asleep. All at once I woke, and you were next to me, quietly sleeping. That’s what I thought. I heard something. The bed was pulsing. I’m not sure what the word is for what was happening, but I was vaguely aware you were moving slightly. I pulled myself next to you, and I could feel a slight vibration. You were touching yourself? I whispered in your ear, “Why didn’t you wait? I’m right here.” You told me you tried to wake me, but I was out, like a rock.  I don’t know why, but this angered me. We always wait for one another. It doesn’t matter what we are doing or how we are f...

I have a fantasy. I’ve never done it with any woman. I know we talked about it once. I lost my nerve. Maybe because it seems so impossible.  It seems like such a simple request. It’s not kinky. It’s not even sexual. But, it has to do with everything. And with absolutely nothing. Does that make sense?  I want it to be you. I want you to be the one. Will you fulfill my wonton fantasy, my virulent desire? I longed for this. For years. Never has it seemed possible. Even now, I wonder.  No, perhaps you will laugh. Or, perhaps you won’t. My heart hangs in the balance. I decide that, even if you do laugh, you may understand enough to say yes. How can I ask? How can I explain? Maybe I will just try and see if you go along, ask as if it was a normal request. Or not say anything at all. Just do it and expect you to comply. But what if you say no?  If it was something kinky, you would say yes. If it was something that pushed the envelope, you wouldn’t bat an eye. Why am ...

The idea wasn’t mine. My friend wanted to go fishing. He’s my friend, so I said yes. I didn’t know it was a weekend-long trip until already committed. So, I reluctantly went fishing. We left Friday evening after dinner, pitching our tent just before dark. I love the smell of a campfire. I don’t know what you think men talk about when they’re together, but it’s not our lives. Lures, sports, bears, shenanigans we used to get into. But all I could think about the entire weekend was you. You were very busy with work all week and I looked forward to spending time with you, only to realize we would not be spending time together. Luckily, the weekend went by quickly, and I was back home Sunday afternoon, scrubbing away the pond smell and scratching insect bites in the shower, wondering how and when I could have you.  I toweled off and put my boxers on, my hair still a mess, and walked down the hallway at the exact moment you left the living room to grab something in the bedroom. You were...

It was such a long day without you. You were at a thing with friends until evening. I had an appointment, so I couldn’t go with. I missed you more than usual. I trace your steps around the house, touch your clothes, tap my finger on your perfume, lay on your side of the bed, squeeze your pillow. All to no avail. I can’t conjure you. You’re all around me, but you’re not here.  I look at my phone. I missed a notification. You’re on your way! You’ve been sitting all day, you say, so would I like a walk? Would I like a walk? With my beautiful lady? Yes, a walk, and everything else.  I hear you at the door, but if I bound to you like a golden retriever, I will lose my cool. I wait half a minute, look up, and you’ve found me. An urgent look is on your face. I smile. Goodness, woman, you look good. I like it when you get dressed up. Tonight is no different. We look mismatched because I’m dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. Now we are out the door.  The sky looks ominous, but w...

You’d think the ache of wanting you would have subsided after last night. I woke while you were making breakfast. Delicious smells found their way to the bedroom, where I propped myself up with pillows and sighed a happy sigh. Last night was the best sex I ever had, and the way you curled into my arms afterward put me right to sleep.  Sunday means a lazy morning: breakfast and church. Afternoons often mean bbq, naps, and cuddling on the couch. You made a fantastic breakfast. With a full stomach, I dressed quickly for church and smiled in the mirror next to you. You leaned your head on my shoulder and made a pouty face. I knew you wanted to stay home and fuck again, but you know how I am about church.  When we got to church, you looked hard at me in the car before we got out. I knew that look. I battled my hands the entire service because all I wanted was to touch you. I envisioned ripping your dress off, pulling your underwear to the side, and ravenously destroying you in t...

You wake. Something isn’t right. Your hands are above your head. You try to move them to your side so you can turn over, but they are immobile. Your eyes are open, but the room is dark. No, something is tied over them. You can feel it knotted on the back of your head. Your hands are tied to the headboard. Your legs are free. And that’s when you feel my hands on you. You moan as my hands caress your breasts and make their way to your thighs. I part your legs. You’re naked except for the ties. You feel my soft mouth and rough whiskers on your stomach. You moan again in anticipation.  And my fingers enter you when my mouth meets your pussy. All at once I am on you, my tongue hot and curiously tasting you, while my fingers test you for readiness. I can feel you spasm and tighten, relax and release, over again. I bring you to the brink of climax. Your body tenses in frustration, your muscles hard. I can see the tension in your forehead. You are red, almost angry. Your skin glistens in ...

My, my. You know I love it when you wear stockings. They accentuate your thighs. I want to squeeze your thighs. Just looking at them has me salivating and sucking my teeth. I can’t help myself. We become a torrid, passionate mess for the next half hour, when you … how could you?  You came before I said you could. Now you know what happens. You look at me with pleading eyes. That is, when you can bring yourself to look at me. You look down or over, but averting your eyes cannot avert my punishment. You know what’s coming. Well, besides me.  If I let you get away with it once, you will do it again. I see you cringe. Last time, you were sore for days. I think you liked it because here we are again. The tension is high, so I laugh to break the spell. You smile, perhaps thinking you averted punishment. You did not. I pull you off the bed and push you down the hallway to the back of the couch.  You are naked before me, except for those stockings. How they stayed on the las...

The sun, the sand, the salt spray. We got up early with not much in our heads but a morning on the beach. A quick breakfast (which you didn’t eat) and a change of clothes (I bit my knuckle when I saw you in your bikini) and we were out the door. The first thing I noticed that morning was you seemed a little distracted, like something was on your mind. I asked if you were worried about anything and you turned from your window to me, answering with a ready smile and shake of your head.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I wake up next to you. Am I still dreaming? You lay next to me all night, yet I can’t believe you belong to me. I say those words to you often, but I’m not sure how it’s possible. My beautiful wife. I admire you so much, even with morning breath and hair askew. I don’t want anyone else. But something is off today.  After we arrive at the beach and spread out, I go into the water and discover a few shells, which is my favorite thing to do there besides watc...

There was a kind of electricity in the air as we bought our tickets to see the movie. It wasn’t just the prospect of being entertained. We had other things on our minds as we sat down, a large drink between us. Your hands kept finding their way to my arm or shoulder, and my hands touched your back and thighs like I would never see you again. There was something about the way you kept looking at me that was driving me nuts. I knew it was just a matter of time.  The previews couldn’t hold our interest, and when the movie started, we realized no one was sitting near us. The film went on, but we only partook blindly and in fits and spurts, our touching and caressing causing us to blush. We never had trouble showing affection. But we also never carried on like this in public. This was new. What were we doing? My right hand was on the inside of your left thigh, impatient and burning with the thoughts I was sending to it, but it remained immobile. Then, a moody scene in the movie plunged ...