my careless contagion

One of my posts that still gets hits is about saying I'm sorry. People really don't know how to apologize sometimes. I know I don't. But I'll try. This is a loose end I have been intending to tie up for quite some time with a specific girl but haven't had the chance to do so. I imagined myself holding her gently or falling to my knees and grabbing her ankles. I may not have the chance to do that, so this will have to suffice. Before I close this blog for good, these words have to be said. I hope she hears me and understands these words simply aren't enough. I can't express my remorse with words alone. I sought to make it up to her with actions, but even that isn't enough. Maybe over many years it would be possible.  When I moved to this town, we weren't talking and I told her I would leave her alone. I was intent on starting a new life here. I was focused on that. Then, out of the blue, she suggested we meet and discuss what went wrong with us. She e...

Yes, I said it before. And, yes, I’ll say it again. My heart is fixed. My mind is sure. She is the one I love. There is no shame in loving a woman. Perhaps by stating so often how I feel I seek to erase the years she was neglected and misused, traumatized and abused. Whatever she’s doing now and whomever she’s with, I hope she knows how much this (admittedly pathetic) man loves her. But does she love me? Who knows what secrets her heart keeps?  When someone we care about greatly is absent from our lives, we sometimes go through wild theatrics to bring them back to us in small ways. It may be a dream – the unconscious speaking for us – or it may be a thousand thoughts in a thousand ways directed their way. For me, it was those and more. I sought her in everyone I met. What I sought lived only behind her green eyes, not someone else’s. But, a starving man has heightened senses. In the lack of her, I found pieces of her around me. I became rich in her, if only in my mind.  At the...

Perhaps I've neglected this topic. I am getting quite old and with over 550 posts in the bag, I may have forgotten I've already written this. Pardon me. Nod and smile and pretend you're hearing it for the first time. That's me in the photo. I was still in high school, so 1996 or before is my only guess as to the date. I wore a hat emblazoned with South Dakota State University (where I later took online courses). I had that coat up until recently when I finally threw it out before moving back to Nebraska. (Almost eight months now since I moved back, whoa.) The board, covered in snow, was sold a long time ago. I figure this was taken in Colorado. I have no recollection where exactly. Still have the cheesy, crooked grin. Can't help it; that's what God gave me.  When I was in elementary school, on a school trip to Terry Peak in the Black Hills, I learned how to ski. I skied for many years. I became bored with the two-plank setup and decided to try one plank in high ...

The book of Jonah isn't very long, yet it contains a brilliant little story that is often overlooked. We've been taught the story since Sunday school, but how much have we pondered what actually happened and the ridiculousness of this story? Read on if you'd like to take a moment to consider the reality of what happened in this story of stubborn Jonah. Here is the story if you'd like to re-read it before we begin . This is not an exhaustive treatise; just observations on this little book. I've often thought that if I were ever to be like one of God's prophets, I would most resemble Jonah, as he was full of anger and bitterness. I'm no longer full of anger, though, as I spent much time being humbled in my walk and also because I've forgiven much. Why was Jonah so angry with God and the Ninevites, anyway? He was angry with the Ninevites because they were mortal enemies of his people, the Jews. They persecuted and pillaged and killed the Jews for quite some...

The song says I know there will be brighter days. It's a good sentiment for those who aren't experiencing those brighter days at the moment. The reason I post this is I drive around all day in my truck ( this song seems to get played a lot, too, and I certainly drive circles around this town ), and sometimes it gets a little lonely. I do my job. Sometimes I have to call people. Knock on doors. Get chased by dogs. But, mostly, I'm by myself. I pray. Pray in tongues. Talk to God. I still feel lonely. So, I turn on the radio and drive around, which is something I used to do when I was younger. It was better than being in the house. This song is on quite a bit. I think a lot of people are experiencing a downturn right now, so this song hits the mark.  What does it have to do with me, though? In Matthew there is a verse that says blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. This is a biblical precept, especially when we ask God into our lives. It is a promise. I clai...

I’ve never met a woman like her in my entire life. She’s just so rare, though to herself she may feel ordinary. I remember her smile, which lights up my world, so well, as I do so many details. I cherished them because I had so few and wanted so many. Things that are rare are treated differently. They’re cherished. That’s where I am now: cherishing memories. But, I also ponder what makes her unique to me.  How did she soldier through so many years of neglect, pain, and abuse? How did she sleep so many nights wondering where her dear one was and whose heart or whose body he was chasing? When he said awful things or flared in anger, how did she turn the other cheek? How did she brush off his abusive and controlling behavior? And then was somehow wounded when she perceived she had wounded others by finally protecting herself? I watched her mourn losing a man who treated her despicably. It took my breath away. The heart of that woman is unbelievable. It is simply wrapped up in everyone...

I couldn't resist. I had to come back to this well and take another drink. If you don't care to come along, skip it and read about celebrity weddings or something. It's probably equally nourishing to the soul. I don’t know if I will post regularly. Just having fun with this space. Onward. The happy meal ad actually says, "If your children aren't happy, return them." Which is so funny, right? Cus we all hate unhappy kids. Sheesh. Have you seen the movie The Founder, which is the true story of the founding of McDonald's? It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen. No number of happy meals could cheer me up after seeing that. But let's not be sad, folks! I'm back writing this tripe again. That's cause for celebration! Let's have some cake! Nothing says "celebration" like cake. And cake should be moist, as we all know. The moister the better. Let's add pudding to make it super moist! Why can't I stop saying moist? I...