Retro advertising, part three (and hopefully the last)

I couldn't resist. I had to come back to this well and take another drink. If you don't care to come along, skip it and read about celebrity weddings or something. It's probably equally nourishing to the soul. I don’t know if I will post regularly. Just having fun with this space. Onward.

The happy meal ad actually says, "If your children aren't happy, return them." Which is so funny, right? Cus we all hate unhappy kids. Sheesh. Have you seen the movie The Founder, which is the true story of the founding of McDonald's? It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen. No number of happy meals could cheer me up after seeing that. But let's not be sad, folks! I'm back writing this tripe again. That's cause for celebration!

Let's have some cake! Nothing says "celebration" like cake. And cake should be moist, as we all know. The moister the better. Let's add pudding to make it super moist! Why can't I stop saying moist? It's kind of a gross word. Moist. 

Stay under that umbrella so you don't get moist. I mean, wet. I mean. I don't understand why they're all crowded under an umbrella. It's only rain. But it doesn't have to make sense. It's the land of advertising, where nothing matters as long as you buy things to be happy. Or to appear happy. 

In advertising land, you can even state false claims and get away with it. Not that anyone would challenge this book title's claim anyway. I'm sure the title did what it was intended to do, which is inform potential readers what the book is about. It may not have done well in the sales department, though, if it said something like "A Book That Adequately Helps You Take Care of Plants." 

This has a few things going on. First, you have a celebrity selling a product, which still works today. Then, you have the ABCs (three of them), which are a kind of a mnemonic device to recall the Chesterfield brand. Every time someone hears "ABC" after this, they will momentarily recall this brand. Pretty clever. Good for young audiences, too, so they'll grow up smokers. There is also a movie tie-in. And, when a smoker sees someone else smoking, it's monkey see, monkey do. Here is movie star Jimmy Stewart holding a cigarette. Etiquette demands you offer him a light and light up yourself. If you're a non-smoker, you don't understand. Lots at work here.

I've never understood the use of the devil to sell products, but I guess a lot of advertisers do that without coming out and saying so. It doesn't work for me. It's not funny. I don't want to be associated with that. And that’s what a lot of brands sell: an association. I also don't like the shifting baseline at the bottom of the ad and the sudden change to a larger typeface. I guess the devil made them do it. 

Speaking of the devil. He's synonymous with doing unhealthy, self-defeating things such as smoking. This is an educational booklet of some sort from, I believe, the 1930s. I believe this is a warning against smoking. Though the dangers of smoking weren't widely understood in the 30s, smoking was associated (there's that word again) with bad behavior. I can't imagine what else is contained in the book. If anyone has access to this, I'd like to take a look.

This may be equally hazardous to your health. I don't know why it contains a mysterious tumor, but it does. At least it is ringed nicely with some frilly lettuces. What I don't understand is the need to top all of this with mayo. I mean, I guess. If you want to do that, go ahead. If that takes your attention away from the dark alien eye tumor thing, then go for it. Yeesh. 

No, that's not human flesh suspended in aspic. That's pineapple! Whew. Breathe. And marshmallows! Haha. Doesn't that sound delightful! Honey, get the mayo. Imma bust off a chunk of this for dessert. 

Hey, I like breakfast for dinner just as much as the next guy. It's awesome! But what's up with the ladle of cheese sauce? I guess you gotta dress up dinner if it consists of ... toast. This must be from the 50s cus they didn't know what the hell they were doing. They were just glad the war was over so they could have a million kids and drink themselves silly and eat whatever the hell they wanted again. 

If one thing can be counted on, it's the fact that women buy things to look nice or different or whatever. It's amazing to see how fashion trends have changed yet the psychology of women hasn't. And now it's time for a tangent. Something I've noticed about myself the last few years. (Yes, I know that's a sentence fragment. But I make the rules here.) When I go to a place like a track (of which there are several to choose from in town) and there is, say, a lone woman working out, I will often leave. Sometimes even if there are two women. Why? I don't want them to feel uneasy with a strange man in close proximity. It makes no sense. I mean, it's an open, public space. And if they had any idea what my character is, they would feel relieved because I won't let anything bad happen to them when I'm around. But, it's part of the cultural ether right now that men are regarded as dangerous. Even if a woman gets attention that isn't concerning from a man, it's still often regarded as off-putting and even reprehensible. It used to be a compliment if a man paid attention to a woman. No longer. Girls don't seem to like that sort of thing. I rarely look a woman in the eye anymore or see what she's wearing because I don't want her to get the wrong idea. It's utterly stupid. But I don't know what to do about it. So, all that effort women put into making themselves beautiful and men aren't allowed to even notice. I guess attention from the "right" kind of man is regarded differently. And probably only through social media. I have no idea. I just want one girl, and I think she always looks fabulous. 

Anyway, ladies, aren't you glad hats are not all the rage these days? That's one decision you don't have to make. Some things luckily go out of style. And never return. I don't know what they mean by "mature flattery," but I'm down with that at my age. If a hat could adequately dress me up and make me look spectacular, I'd gladly wear one. Just not one of these. 

Who knew a woman's hair said so much? My hair says I'm glad I have hair at my hoary age so I let it grow. Besides that, it says I'm a middle-age man who doesn't care what his hair says about him. Personally I don't like it (at all), but I'm glad I have it, so there. Is there a product for that? 

The whole sad happy solemn gay day? Yeah, they're saying women's moods change a lot. Even in one day. I'm personally not brave enough to say that. 

Speaking of gay ... no, too easy. But I've never actually seen anyone wear the mesh body suit thing. That's not for me. And that's all I know about that. We'll now leave you guys to do ... whatever it is you're doing. 

Can you say sexual innuendo? I really don't like the "100's." That's more inappropriate than the innuendo. Please. Just say 100s. Otherwise, I'm asking what belongs to the 100. Because I try to follow the rules of grammar. I was talking with someone recently who said the destruction of the English language that's happening right before our eyes (most easily seen on social media) is directly related to the fall of western civilization. A bold claim. I can't disagree. I drive around a lot for my job (like all day), so I see a lot of signs. I greatly disapprove of the homeowner signs that have the family name but it's written like "Jone's." I'm asking what belongs to Jone. The sign? The house? The horrible grammar? Where is this freaking sign-maker, because everywhere I go he's got these stupid signs in people's lawns? I feel like this could have been corrected a long time ago if someone had just had the guts to say, "No, that's not right. Try again." But no one ever did. And now our society is falling apart. 

Kind of a cheeky ad. Hey, if you're nervous about your wedding night going well, maybe you would buy a bottle of mouthwash to soothe your nerves. It's an easy sell. As a reminder, maybe stick it in your wedding cake. If your wedding night goes bad anyway, just drink the damn thing. You'll forget all about it. 

Joy is a good name for a product. When you ask yourself what it does for you, it's an easy answer. It sparks joy! And that lady looks like she's been using Joy a lot. Maybe calm down a little, lady. Okay, she may have some issues beyond dirty dishes. 

Microwaves are amazing, I'll give em that. But, who on earth is cooking a roast in their microwave? 

No. Just no. Moving on. 

I guess we're saying only white women buy tea. You barely see white people in advertising now. The majority race in the U.S. is not well-represented in advertising anymore. And this ad says another thing we aren't supposed to say anymore, which is you can be fussy. Basically, go ahead and be a Karen and get what you want. Personally, I think that's a fine sentiment. We weren't all about feeling bad about ourselves back then. What a horrible way to live. Anyway. Sell people what they want. Drink your tea, ladies. Be fussy. 

While you're at it, why not get a bowl of ice cream the size of your head, too? And put your hair up in an 1800s kind of way. Heck yeah. 

I know your new TV is great, guys, but that is way too close to be watching. Didn't your mother ever tell you it would hurt your eyes? Here mom doesn't seem to care. She's going back to the kitchen for another bowl of ice cream. 

Just in case you still have any rods and cones (you know, like in your eyes) left, here's an even bigger TV to warp your vision. And a creepy guy in a lab coat to stare at you. It's amazing this trend never went away. People still buy the biggest TVs they can find and sit in front of them for hours every day. At least the giant VHS player has gone the way of the dodo, as well as just about every other recording device. 

And then on the other side of the spectrum we have small and portable. In this case, portable TVs. But look at how this trend hasn't changed either. We made our computer/playback/recording devices so small they now fit in our pockets. And we take them everywhere. We even use some of the same excuses these folks do. Like I don't want to be lonely at the beach where I'm surrounded by people. I don't want to miss the game. Human nature doesn't change, but the products we are sold have changed. This one was fascinating for me.

And the award for the worst ad design goes to ... this one! What an atrocious mess. I would skip right over this if I saw it today. Your eyes don't know where to look so they give up and move on. Too much work. I'm lazy. 

My first thought was she put a man in the manwich. She looks a bit devilish here. But, oh, hey, a coupon! I love coupons. 

Have to go to a wedding? Get them a toaster. Hopefully with their likeness on it. Cus that would be badass. 

I have no idea what's going on here, but I feel unwelcome. And I'm a member of the 70s haircut club. I lived this look, kid. Don't look at me like that. You're lucky you can even see. In a few days, you may not be able. This makes me think of the time I took my son for a drive and we ended up at a fairly new elementary school in the northern part of town. There were about five or six kids there, maybe tweens. One had a phone. They were hanging out by the playground and my son wanted to check it out. I sat in the car for a second and was like, "Those kids do not want us here." That was the vibe. We walked in, regardless, and I've never felt so unwelcome or uncool in my entire life (quite a statement, considering my life). Those kids first made a wall (like they were going to fight us?) which disbanded as we walked forward and then they took off around the corner, watching us the whole time like we were wild animals (we were harmless, literally just enjoying playground equipment). My thought was these kids are from upscale homes, but why wouldn't they be okay with someone using a playground? For some reason, money makes people act weird. That's my theory. It was weird as hell. I've faced far more rejection in my life than I know what to do with. I know my son is going to have to deal with some of that upperclass versus the rest of us mentality (cus the middle class basically doesn't exist anymore), so it made me sad. I came from an upper-middle-class household. I know how easy it is to disparage people because they don't dress as well as you or whatever. That's a shame. But, lucky for us, we can buy products to get us out of feeling bad about stuff like that! If you're a reacher (as many Americans are), you buy things that say, "I aspire to ...." and then fill in the blank. All those nice brands people wear (with the label on the outside or the logo as big as the shirt) really just say the person wearing it aspires to something more than they are. Which is fine. Just treat people well on your way up. This last one made me think about a lot of stuff like the tendency of people with money to become insular. Or just the tendency of people to become comfortably insular, regardless. It's something I've tried hard to squelch in my own life. It's probably just a fixation of mine because I've spent my life in various socioeconomic groups. (Regardless, I have money enough to live comfortably, and that is what matters.) I could write a lot more but I doubt anyone will read to the end anyway. If you did, good for you. You get a cookie. And a pat on the head. You did good. 

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I'm still working on drinking enough water. I don't know what my deal is. I drink water like a horse but pee very little. I must lose a lot of moisture somehow. I give up. I took a break from writing for a while because I was worn out, but now I've written a couple. I may write sporadically. Is that okay, guys? Yes? Great. Now, pardon me, because I have to drink some water.  

Thank you for reading. And God bless.

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