my careless contagion

In all my writing here, I realized I may have unfairly depicted my ex. Some may wonder what I saw in her at all, why I endured such a woman for so long. But she had a lot of wonderful qualities.  The truth isn't black and white. The truth is multi-hued and sometimes difficult to trace because the edges aren't defined in a way that makes moving on easy. In short, people are complicated. Life is complicated.  It took me approximately six or seven years to go through the whole process of divorce — for a relationship that involved as many bad things as I've mentioned (such as infidelity) —  so, clearly things are not as cut and dried as I made them seem. So, I want to apologize to her. I left my marriage at times with a viciousness that was out of character. Most of my divorce wasn't that way. I was conflicted at times but determined. My anger toward her was, I believe, an attempt to get her to fight for our marriage. But she did not. She laid down. She quit. She...

July 16, 2017, is the day Cindy broke off our relationship for good. I asked her not to come to see me if that was her intention. She did anyway. Some things have to be done in person. It was fair, though. I didn't think I'd get the girl. I used her to help destroy my marriage, and that's unforgivable. I tainted that perfect girl with our illicit relationship, and she ended it with class and poise. She was sick that weekend. So sick. Yet she came to see me. She had to do what she was going to do; that was clear. And she did it with practiced precision. When it was over, I cried. I said I wanted to be alone. Then I reversed and said I wanted to look at her because I realized it might be the last time I saw her. She shook with sobs as we hugged and said goodbye. There is a picture of me when I got home that day. My son is sitting with me in a chair, drinking his milk. I look tired as usual, but there is something else. I look like I have been gutted. And, indeed, I had...

Thanks, guy. Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting. - Daniel 5:27 My blog is all about being honest. I've done considerable soul searching over the year and a half this blog has been running. What I want to do in this post is to compare myself to the girl I love's ex-husband (We'll say his name is DC for our purposes) as well as expound on some of the reasons I won't get the girl. Fifty reasons doesn't seem like enough. I think the whole world was against us.  I've never actually met this man, DC. He popped in a couple times when I visited the girl at her house while on vacation, but I was always in a different room or outside. So, the only way I know any of this is through my conversations with her, conversations that took place years ago.  Am I doing this to self-flagellate or put myself down again? Well, I sure hope not. I know I've done a lot of that in the past. That's not my intention this time. What I want to do i...

Shh, I'm just going to sneak this post in here.   The above photo is a painting my mom did of my son. And a dog. Looks pretty good, huh? Well, this painting is inspired by a photo. See below.  Yes, this neat father-son photo was turned into a painting. And I was erased. And replaced by a dog. That's my mom for you.  I'm pretty sure my son doesn't even like dogs. He's afraid of them. The above picture was taken about two years ago. It was taken by the river in a town I used to live in. My mom says it was taken in a different part of town in a different park. She's wrong. But that's my mom.  I've begun to accept the fact that dear old Joshua isn't so dear to his parents, and this is just one example of how not dear he is to them. Maybe I'm just getting sentimental in my old age, but I like the photo better than the painting. My son means so much to me, I don't even have words. It would have been a nice thing to see in oil or acr...

Perfect by Ed Sheeran is a romantic fairytale of a song. It is beautiful. It is lyrical perfection. I imagine this song has been played thousands of times at weddings and high school dances across the world (and not just because it's a waltz). And the video — which has over 2 billion views, well — there's even a kitten in it!  I hesitate to use the word "perfect" because there is no such thing as perfection in this world. But I've used that word to describe the woman I love. I don't know if love simply blinds us to imperfections or what, but some people really do seem perfect.  During my recent visit to Nebraska, I got to hang out with the woman I am head over heels in love with. The last day, she told me I should see her as she really is without any makeup, with her hair up, and in her jammies. What did she expect me to see? I still saw the beautiful woman I'm in love with. Nothing changed for me. I'd love to wake up next to that every day. Tr...