Some prayers
God can do anything with anything. He can turn the worst situation around on a dime. I've been praying for Cindy and her family for nearly six years now. My prayers for her and her family are too many to list, but I pray warfare prayers over her, her children, extended family, home, church, property, possessions, kids' school, workplace, finances, relationships, etc. And, I pray a special prayer for her children, prayers of protection, healing for relationships (mother and children, father and children, etc.), pray against rejection, as it is common when there is a divorce.
It was almost six years ago Cindy kicked her ex out of her house and forged ahead in life alone, raising her children almost entirely by herself. (I feel she did the lion's share before that, as well.) Because of her past, I prayed diligently God would bless her mightily and also put the right man in her life. I still do. I don't pray she would be with me specifically, as I don't know God's will. (I don't want to pray soulish prayers so always qualify by asking God to cancel out anything that isn't His will.) I prayed God would block any relationship He wouldn't bless, such as with an ungodly or wicked man, a man who would be abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, or any other way), who would manipulate or control her, cheat on her, lie to her, or otherwise not treat her as a child of God. Or a man who would not be able to minister to her properly or wouldn't be able to give her what she needs (space, affection, understanding, etc.) for continued healing. She never told me much about her life, probably because she knew I'd blab in this space. Working on that. Telling myself to not write about her is probably the most fruitless thing ever, but as soon as I think I get things figured out, some new information comes along and it's back to square one. I feel my upcoming post about her is okay because that's how I see her. It's my vision of her. I think, considering how careful she was when she tried to move forward in the past, she will be careful in the future in whom she allows into her life. And her kids' lives. They are the most important thing in her life. God will bless her for that.
Cindy's heart for even those who hurt her the most is unrelentingly gracious, kind, and merciful. She will probably mourn in some way for her ex-husband when he dies (God forbid). I hope the man who holds her on that day understands her heart and how she can still care in some way about a man who treated her despicably. All I know is that woman, more than any other I know, deserves a good man who will treat her well. She deserves the best, whomever that may be. Thank you to anyone who spent time in prayer for this wonderful woman and her children. You know how precious they are to me, so I am deeply grateful for any prayers you can send her way.
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Cindy called after reading something I wrote recently (and then deleted) which was asking her to come back into my life. She explained how it isn't wise to move forward right now. There will be time for friendship later. I hope she puts me at the front of the line. When we hung up, I thought to myself that is the girl for me. I don't want anyone else. She proved over and over why I believe she's the best woman for me. For anyone, really.
She once again showed why I fell in love with her. Our conversation was a confirmation. She is as amazing as advertised. She will undoubtedly think I am overstating, but she is also a humble person. I miss her so much. She reaffirmed we are friends, which was nice to hear. Also, she basically said my fears about being in her backyard or driving by her house are unfounded. She even likes that thought. Maybe I'll have to do that just for the heck of it. I take her words to heart. We are so good when we communicate. (And how I love her voice. It feels so perfect to my ears.) I'm always impressed by how intelligent she is. She was logical, firm, but kind. She didn't have to look in on how I'm doing. She didn't have to answer me. She didn't have to explain anything. She didn't have to be so kind. But that's what I love about her. She doesn't have to, but she does anyway.
Still, I hold out hope to talk to and see her more than I do now. I hope she sees once we begin (slowly, most likely), others will see how harmless a process it is plus what good things may come of it. I want her in my life, not just for myself. I think it will be good for all of those in our lives. I can explain why I think that, but let's just leave it at that for now. My audience probably thinks I'm obsessed with the woman. She is quite a woman. And many times a mystery to me.
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Hey, I didn't decide to be this way. (This is just an update.) Since I spend most of my time alone while working and then come home to an empty apartment half the time, this situation became more important than I realize. I don't want to become (more) socially awkward while I have this job. I do have some interactions, but that's just job stuff. What to do about that? I don't know. Decided I don't like working alone all day. This will probably change over the winter because my main job will slow down. Unless they give me things to do by myself. Sigh. Just realized that all the time alone probably hasn't done me many favors lately, but it has given me a lot of time to pray. I don't know what else I was trying to say here, other than I may need more hangers.
Something I felt God impressed upon me me was the need for continued healing, and that really hit home recently. My parents visited for my son's birthday and there were a lot of triggers but overall my sanity was very much intact. What God said before that, though, was I need to stop seeing myself as someone who was traumatized, abused, etc. Even in my conversations I'm not to refer to myself that way and not to mention the past hurts unless there is a valid reason. That's not me anymore. I'm a new creature with a new beginning. Part of healing is how we see ourselves, and God is saying I'm richly blessed beyond measure and greatly beloved. He wants to fill me with joy and gladness and take away the residual pain and sorrow. Amazing! As for my future, that's in God's hands. I'm a very independent person, but this year God worked to make me dependent on Him. So, I'll leave the future to Him and just make sure my bathroom is clean and stuff like that. Well, maybe not today. Definitely tomorrow, though. Take care, everyone.
Thank you for reading. And God bless.
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