my careless contagion

I talked to the girl I love for a couple of hours yesterday. I love her dearly. It's impossible to express how much. One thing that became apparent years ago after she came back into my life (more than six years now) was how much she went through. The evidence was there. One of the first things she told me was she felt like a doormat. And then it was revealed she was neglected, abused, and cheated on. My heart went out to her because I endured much the same. I really hope she doesn't see this post in a negative light. It is a love letter of a different sort. I want her to know I will always be there for her and will do everything I can to protect her heart.  I don't know how deep the wounds go. Something tells me she put on a cheerful front for so long she doesn't even know. She is so used to distrusting she has to fight through her protective mechanisms and inclination to see my words and actions in a negative light. I pray to see her blossom and realize intimacy with ...

Rejection played a big role in my life. It doesn't have to be intentional. People passively reject others all the time. It doesn't have to be something we even think about in order to reject someone. Do I think everyone who rejected me wanted to hurt me? No, in fact, I don't think any of them wanted to hurt me. It was unintentional. But, if I perceive something as rejection, it is rejection, regardless. I can't tell someone I didn't hurt them if they felt hurt by something I did. With that out of the way, here are a few things I learned about rejection. This is only my opinion.  One of the worst things about the rejection I felt from my family (and I heard this from others who experienced the same) was I felt the need to change somehow. As in, they wouldn't reject me if I was someone else or changed my behavior. I think this is perhaps how I ended up with a different personality than my birth order would suggest. My natural personality is laid back and silly, fu...

Notes on a girl. Much of the information is several years or even decades old. This is how I remember her. I don't want to misrepresent her but also feel an explanation is in order for why I persisted in chasing her so long. Some of this is speculative. I will always see her as perfect. What I seek to show is the woman I fell in love with, the woman I chased, and the woman I still love. She always seemed out of my league. I never sought to bring her to my level but, rather, rise to hers. (Started writing this in August. I truly loved writing about her.) I knew her since we were 10 years old when I moved to her town over Christmas break. I recall teasing her about her hair, which she braided one day, calling her Laura Ingalls Wilder, perhaps because I used to watch Little House on the Prairie and one of the girls had braided hair. She was always near, maybe because we were often seated by last names and ours both began with N. She seemed responsive and friendly. I was in a new schoo...

Happy Thanksgiving! It's my favorite holiday. My gift to y'all is this post! I couldn't resist writing about this song. It's been making the rounds. In case you haven't heard it in a while, go ahead and take a listen. It's Your Love by The Outfield, released in 1985. What compelled me to write was the icky feeling one gets when one reads the lyrics, if one is wont to read the lyrics. (That was a weird sentence. I think I'll do it again.) And one must always read the lyrics with 80s songs because there is always wanton weirdness. This one is straight-up gross. Go ahead and check out the lyrics.  Lyrics: Josie's on a vacation far away Come around and talk it over So many things that I want to say You know I like my girls a little bit older I just want to use your love tonight I don't want to lose your love tonight I ain't got many friends left to talk to Nowhere to run when I'm in trouble You know I'd do anything for you Stay the night but ...

Lately it was impressed upon me the power of the tongue. I started reading a book about blessings and curses, and another book I'm reading has a lengthy section about it, as well. And then there was another book before that which said much the same. Can you tell I'm a little dense? Herein are a few notes on the power of the tongue.  The power of the tongue is amazing. In it is life and death. But how often do we treat it that way? I feel tremendously uplifted or downgraded depending on who I talk to. How I talk to myself (which is what this blog was) is also incredibly important. How many times did I say untrue things about myself? I am deserving of love. I made mistakes but we all do. Someone still loves us. Just because I screwed up doesn't mean no one will ever love me. I will never be perfect as long as I live on this planet, but being loved is about the most perfect feeling there is. I believe love is in my future.  Luke 6:28 says to bless those who curse us and pray f...

Anytime, anywhere I don't care I want to see you hear you, feel you I waited for you do you think I'm going to say no? the girl I love wants to see me I'm there Dear, we are so close we are so near this is something wonderful God will bless us all we need to do is step out in faith Leave fear behind walk with me toward a new beginning It's not just love I have for you I have love for those you love dear, they are always in my prayers I feel we pushed aside something of great worth something God will bless it's so clear all we need to do is walk forward take my hand we can begin anytime, anywhere Today, tomorrow, the next it doesn't matter my love for you remains strong through so many storms and nights my heart still cries out for you my mind still pores over you I know you feel something and that something is deeper  than either of us realize It waits for us to nourish it and it will spring forth  bringing forth fruit and blessings to all those around us I conf...