my careless contagion

October 2, 2019. That is a date I will remember. That's the date it crystalized in my head that I can no longer look forward to many years of hunting. It was a sad moment when I realized my hunting days were numbered. Maybe it was just a steep learning curve at play. Let me explain. It was the second time I had been out antelope hunting. The season had started about a week and a half earlier. On opening day, I was out there, but the rain was relentless and driving. I stepped out of my car to pee maybe three times in an hour (I had a lot of coffee because I got up early), then I decided to call it a day. It's not much fun hunting in the rain, especially a cold, driving rain.  Hunting on public land has its advantages; also, it has its disadvantages. Since it was opening weekend, there was a stream of trucks going down the road where I was parked on the shoulder. I decided if there was this much traffic on the weekend, even on a rainy day, I should try in the middle of ...

Being a Christian can be very hard. Being a warrior Christian is unbelievably hard because the enemy is strong. Making mistakes and then paying for them in this life (thumbs to chest) is also very hard. Unfortunately, I fit the latter description most often, as this blog bears witness. But, when we get out of our own way, God blesses us. That's what this post is about.  My life is not perfect. I've been walking around with a broken heart as long as I can remember. Losing the girl I love was hopefully the last heartbreak for a while. I feel God stitching me back together, and quickly. The conversation of Oct. 26 gave me the closure I needed. I was operating under some very bad, specious information and false impressions, and I was set straight that day. Later conversations cemented everything, enabling me to go forward with the right information. That door has closed, and whether it opens again or not is not up to me. If I'm good at anything, it's admitting I'm ...

The letter from Cindy — that infamous letter — still haunts me. It's been more than 22 years since I got that letter, yet I cannot forget it. If there's one thing in my life I could take back, it's throwing away that letter. In all my forgiving, I always get stuck on this. It's so hard to forgive myself for that. But, my retrospective has gifted me with much insight — insight into myself and my actions. You see, there's more to this story. The narrative was this: A lifetime ago, somehow Cindy heard my family was moving away, so she sent me a goodbye letter. In that letter, in her flawless handwriting, she stated she loved me. I recall feeling rejected by her at some point before that, so I chalked up my throwing away of the letter to that, thinking I was, perhaps, still angry with her. I do recall a conversation we had on the phone and after I hung up, I thought, "That's the last time I'm going to talk to her, isn't it?" Sadness. Not ange...

Dolly Parton has been a fixture in country music and popular culture my entire life. Her career started way before I was born, in fact. I Will Always Love You is a classic, and it came from an era when country music was very different. She wrote the song in 1972, reportedly the same day she wrote Jolene , which is my favorite Dolly Parton song. Also, take note of Dolly's seated position in the above video (recorded in 1974?), which is a very hard way to sing a song like this, yet she does it naturally and beautifully. Most people are familiar with the 1992 Whitney Houston version of this song, which is very good (though I don't care for the sax). Whitney was one of the greatest singers of our time, and I was deeply saddened when she passed. Still, I have to agree with this comment on YouTube: " Whitney's version makes your knees weak and gives you goosebumps; Dolly's version makes you break down and cry like a baby." Indeed, while Whitney's voice can...

This is a long post, but it should answer many of the questions about Cindy and her behavior and how I handled things. There is absolutely no judgment here. There is a stigma to autism that should not exist. I hope this post offers insight that cuts through some of that. For the record, I do not see Cindy as a girl with autism; I just see Cindy, the girl I love.    Cindy shared this link with me July 28, 2017, which was days after she ended our relationship. Go ahead and read it. I'll wait. Was Cindy in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband? From my perspective, absolutely. She told me quite a few things that were definitely abusive behavior, which was probably just the tip of the iceberg. Even after they were separated, there was an incident when she stood up for herself, telling him he couldn't keep coming into her house whenever he wanted. His reply was to act like he was going to chest-bump her (threat of physical violence, and this guy is huge), which reduced...