my careless contagion

It's okay to fall to pieces or to spend so much time and so much energy trying to hold yourself together It's okay to walk away sometimes and to just be alone to hide your face from people and from God himself It's okay to cry out in the night to sob uncontrollably and to wonder if anyone can hear you It's okay to let yourself down because you're trying so hard not to let those around you down because someone has to be strong It's okay to crumble at the end of the day and wish you weren't here at all because the pain sometimes takes your breath away It's okay to want your bed because that's the only place you can think of her without terror running through you It's okay to imagine her there next to you, so quiet so warm, so tender before the moment is gone again It's okay to pick up the pieces how you see fit, when you see fit and to realize some of those pieces ...

At first, it was just a little drip drip then it hemorrhaged into something more soon I was sitting in a pool of it surrounded by it watching it creep out from me in a big circle It became clear some time ago I wasn't going to make it not at this rate And all I can say is I guess I'm fine because I still hear the questions and I say it all the time I guess this is okay the way my life is dripping away spreading out from me like it can't get away fast enough I guess it's okay that I went the wrong way made the wrong turn got sucked into this decay I guess it's okay that my loneliness won and I can't see past my hand because I'm losing too much blood I guess it's okay the way things feel today because I know tomorrow is going to feel worse I guess it's okay that I think so much about God because I want this to be over I want to go home These are my mistakes ...