my careless contagion

January 28, 2018, I started this blog. I was alone and the divorce was nearly final (February 8). With no one to talk to about what I was feeling, I wrote here, originally transcribing from a notebook. What began as a form of therapy evolved into a journey of faith. What started in a very bad place ended in a much better place, though I am still alone. This blog garnered 34,000 hits over six years, which is a big surprise. (Also surprised attempts to create a new blog failed, but the love letters written to a certain woman were likely the reason anyone read here anyway.) Thank you to everyone who read here at some point. I prayed you got something out of it. Learned a lot about myself and am a lot humbler at its closing than at its beginning. Honesty, facing problems, and working toward solutions paid off, but it was God who did a work.  I cut my teeth on gospel songs. Win Worley's song sermons were my favorite and listened to them on cassette over and over. Such joy in that man...

I think all men (perhaps especially those employed as spies) desire at least one person with whom they feel they can share anything. This blog has fulfilled that role in my life and has become, in effect, my mistress (because, unfortunately, I cannot marry her, as she is not a real person but, rather, a one-way forum for dispensing my thoughts and feelings). But the time has come to kiss her sweet mouth — that never uttered a word — goodbye. She heard much, but she never told a soul. If I was a spy, I would keep coming back to her. The purpose of this blog was to help me deal with my divorce. I started it days before my divorce was finalized in 2018. Unfortunately, since then, my life has overwhelmed me in an unexpected and disgraceful way. I held onto two things during the most difficult days: the love I had for a woman named Cindy and walking with God. But, today, I am not in a healthy place. I'm not where I wanted to be when I ended this blog. I contemplate suicide ever...

  Originally my plan was to end this blog after one year. Frankly, I wanted to put the damn thing out of its misery. Today is the one-year anniversary, but I just can't do it. There have been some really ugly posts lately. Still, in all the ugliness, I feel a cathartic cleanse. It's like sitting in a therapist's office and hearing myself say things that never would have been said otherwise. There may be no truth whatsoever in them, but at least they are out there and they can go bother someone else instead of me. The little buggers.  After 238 posts, I'm not going to call it quits as I intended. I do need a break from this, though. It's a virtual problem-solving exercise, and what I need is real-world problem-solving. That will be my focus. I wish to thank all of you who have diligently read my ups and downs over the last year. It's been intense at times, and too often it's been tedious. If you're just discovering this blog, I was dealing with a d...