A dose of introspection

While this blog may be dead, as I lost my biggest drive for writing here last year, there are still things I ponder and wish to share (even if no one reads them). I believe people can change, but our personalities are mostly set by the age of 8 (and perhaps even as early as age 5). I recently retook a personality test I took years ago. I believe I posted the results here, as well. Today, bored out of my gourd, I took it again to see if anything changed. I know my behaviors and much inside changed over the last four years but was curious if there was an effect on personality, as well. The answer is no. My personality remains the same. However, the percentages used to calculate it changed. No, there probably isn't a way to quantify the amount of internal change I experienced in four years. It's up to me to keep track of what God did. As the test results point out, it's important for me to keep striving for improvement. It's eerie how many things the results get right. It's like someone was reading my diary. Or my blog. 

I fail in a lot of social situations, which is one reason I shy away from such things. But, I've gotten so I don't care so much how I'm perceived. Rejection doesn't seem to factor into how I act as it did in the past. (Perhaps because I endured so much that it now feels normal and expected.) My focus is to do the best I can every day in every situation and live my life according to the principles in the Bible as much as I can. (That is a tall order, but I'm determined to live that way.) Living my life according to God's rules frees me from the burden of my expected outcomes and also from the consequences. In short, I gave up control in order to be happy. 

While I am a classic introvert and need time alone, I am often tired of being by myself. I long for connection, companionship, and friendship of some sort. Because of that unmet need, I drove someone I relentlessly care about into a rather difficult position, for which I am deeply sorry. I wish to rescue them from that place but have not yet found a way. In order to spare them embarrassment, I won't reveal the details, but I continue to press God about it and ask for His solution. I believe they know who they are, and if they still read here (which isn't likely), please accept my apology. I humbled myself and know a solution is forthcoming. 

Anyway, here is my personality type, for those interested. Take it yourself, if you want to know more about your strengths and weaknesses. I found the part about how I parent to be quite interesting. Now that my daily dose of introspection is over, it's time to listen to The Weeknd or something. Toodles, everyone. Until we meet again ... 

Thank you for reading. And God bless.

And my other blog, None Dare Call It Treason. 

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