my careless contagion

The Gaslight Anthem is a band that is hard to describe. They are one of the brightest spots in rock and roll in the past 15 years. I can't describe their first two albums in any other terms but "genius" and "perfect." They are that good. I remember seeing them in Columbus, Ohio. As I recall, the audience was a good mix of young and old, which is always a good thing. It shows a band has an appeal beyond a certain demographic. It was a good show, even though we were in the balcony. The Gaslight Anthem is fronted by Brain Fallon, and they are originally from New Jersey. An odd fact about the album this song is from (The '59 Sound) is Dicky Barrett (of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones) sings backup on one of the tracks.  Right from the start, The Gaslight Anthem was compared to some of the best rock acts of all time. Bruce Springsteen was an obvious comparison, but the band borrows so widely, I think that's almost an unfair comparison. They were too good to...

There is something destructive in love. At least, for me, there was always something destructive. Maybe I should say there is something self-destructive in love. It's a passion that can make one lay all else aside to chase it. The right woman can start a fire in a man that is never-ending. Or it can last for a moment, and then it's gone. There are parts that are never the same again. As a man who loves hard, I can say the loss of love comes even harder. Choosing the wrong woman is just another form of self-destruction. I can't see through the veil of anger right now. I can't see my future. I am wrapped — as with a blanket — in pure hate. I hate myself. I want to die. There is so much self-hatred inside me right now, it feels like it will explode. The reasons have become clear. I've had so many self-destructive habits (like smoking, drinking, workaholism, etc.). I've wanted to erase my existence for as long as I can remember. Where did all of this hate come ...

  How such a rich forest of emotions grew up overnight, I'll never know. Without care and without tenderness, all around me it grew. It was like a scene from a movie, only it was real and I was in wonder. I was no jaded audience member whining about the CGI. It was as real as the pin-pricks of a freshly-picked rose's thorns. And just as easily as it sprang up, it cried out for water. The shallow roots of the tender plants weren't strong enough to hold them over until the next rain. The fields grew tired and wilted, cried out and died a drawn-out death.  I knew it was all too good to be true. Things like that don't happen to me. Love like that doesn't just come into my life. It was over before I realized it, before I even had a chance to enjoy it. It was almost like a dream, like I had simply imagined it. I was left with the things that had grown around me — trees almost as tall as the sky itself and undergrowth that was once flowering and beautiful — but they w...

There are many things I've started in my life. Many things lay unfinished on the floor of my feeble mind, little snippets scattered about as if by a capricious wind. About 20 years ago, I rediscovered one of those unfinished things. My novel. But why am I bringing this up now? Y'all are going to think I'm making this up. The story was that of a man who was trying to put his life back together after the girl of his dreams broke his heart. When I started writing it, I do not know. Obviously, I wrote it after a heartbreak, but which one? I was in the loft of my downtown apartment when I discovered it, got angry with it, and threw it away. It was written on large sheets of yellow legal paper ( I started writing on legal paper when I was in high school) , and I was about 30 pages deep in it. I wish I had kept that truncated story. It would have been a valuable clue to understanding what went wrong in those early years. It could have stood as a time capsule of sorts. Or I...

Walter Mitty is a character created by James Thurber. But he could be any of us. He could be me.  The world was originally introduced to Walter Mitty in the short story The Secret Life of Walter Mitty , then later on in book form. Thurber loosely based the character on his friend Walter Mithoff we're told. What makes Walter interesting is not his actual life, but, rather, the life he lives in his head. As an introvert, I can identify with the character. If I said half the shit my head wanted to say, I would be the most polarizing character ever. But at least I wouldn't live a boring life.  Daydreaming is a great way to leave your humdrum life. At least for a little while. Eventually, you have to go back to the grind. I think I've spent the majority of the last two years living the daydream life, which isn't really living. It's hard when you want something so much yet can't have it. If you could imagine it to life, you would. If you don't have the tool...

This is the third and final installment of the changed-by-divorce posts. What has been perhaps the most surprising change can be seen in my body. What was once a thing of ... um, well, not a thing of beauty, but a thing less hideous than it is now, has become a thing of ... well, kind of a crime scene.  I've never been a big dude. Never been very strong. I'm just a regular guy. All around ... regular. Just a dude. Nothing special. I preferred to have sex with the lights off when I used to have sex because there just isn't anything exciting about my body. That was then. And this is now.  I can't even imagine having sex with a woman. Mostly because my body is at its worst state since I can remember. I could liken it to several types of livestock. Let's just say I've embraced middle age in a BIG way. It's great, really. Kinda liberating. Until I look in the mirror.   It's not like I'd even know what to do with a woman anymore. I don't rem...

Part two of how I've changed through the course of my divorce is similar to part one, only I want to flesh it out. This is another long post and is a raw, real look at who I am now in outlook and prospects. The seeds of divorce were planted long ago — in my childhood, even — and grew to encompass not only the pain endured in my marriage but my entire life as well.  When I sat down with my lawyer and initially talked about why I was leaving my wife, he asked what led me to darken his door. Well, I said I had about 100 reasons for divorcing her. Indeed, and more. I could have talked about the infidelity. That seems to be a quick enough summation for most people. However, the infidelity was a minor infraction and just part of a larger complex of behavior on my ex-wife's part. This is the part where some of you may get mad at me. You see, Kate is just a typical American woman. She wanted it all. I wanted her to have it all. I wanted her to be happ...

Divorce changed me. I mean, that was the point. It was supposed to change my life, but something else happened along the way.  It's been more than six years (seven years?) since I first breathed those words out, "I'm going to leave you," to my now ex-wife. The things I've gone through in that time — first trying to save the sinking ship of my marriage and then setting the damn thing on fire — have penetrated into the very core of my being. There are phases of grief. We all know that. You don't really think about them as you're going through them, though; you just don't have that kind of perspective. It's not a linear process, but a back and forth, messy thing sometimes. But, after six years of having a heart "like a crime scene," today I feel at peace.  A divorce is like a war, but a war no one wins. It doesn't matter who came out better in the end. It doesn't matter what was lost or who got the couch (I still miss that c...

Recently, I realized I’ve been back in the Black Hills for five years now. Though I was born in the Black Hills, this second time living here has been quite a different experience. When my family moved away from the Hills, I was 10 years old, a far cry from the 36-year-old man who moved here five years ago. Coming back to the Hills was about starting over. I sought a different life as well as a reboot for my marriage. Though I succeeded in living a different kind of life — a life new and challenging — my marriage continued to falter and eventually ended. It’s hard to put into words what happens when a relationship that’s persisted for more than 20 years ends. It’s safe to say I plunged headlong into a vortex of depression, a depression unlike any I’ve ever experienced.  The last five years have not been defined by sadness, though. About four and a half years ago, one of the most amazing things — something I thought would never happen — strode into my life. I became a father....

The opening line of Simon and Garfunkel's Sound of Silence comes to me often. Hello, darkness, my old friend ... This old song no doubt means many things to many people. And that opening line means something to me as well. It means, "Here we go again."  It's hard to fully express what it means to be prone to depression. Looking back on my four decades of life, I see a lot of prominent themes. But the thick vein of depression runs through it all. I don't know when it took hold, but it's been there as long as I can remember. It is an old friend of the worst kind.  I don't want to be depressed. I don't choose this. I don't want to waste endless days simply wishing I could climb out of whatever funk I'm in. All the people who have come and gone in my life I certainly can't blame for this. I'm depressed, no matter who is in my life. Sure, certain circumstances haven't helped. And alcohol just made the whole thing worse. How I...

  I'm going to start by apologizing. This post is going to be pretty scattershot. I know this because my thoughts are scattershot right now. I can barely keep things in their proper boxes, much less make sense of them. So, sorry.  A while ago I mentioned three things I wrote on a Post-It note — things I pray about daily that bother me. I won't name them all, but I do want to mention one. Let's just say there are only two things on that Post-It now.  I prayed before this week began that God would allow something very positive to happen in my life this week. And it did. Not only that, but I got to cross one of those dreadful things off my prayer list. My old apartment has been rented, so I no longer have to pay rent for two places. I wondered why God would give me the go-ahead to move into a new place and then have that hang over my head. As it was, I only paid about $150 to cover last month because my landlord used my security deposit to cover the rest. It's h...