my careless contagion

Every morning is the routine every day the same old thing What has changed? you and me We're no longer "we" It's little things put away forever furniture moved around boxes on the ground books that once belonged to us linens, sheets, towels, music pictures, letters, notes They await the day of rending the day of breaking sorting, dividing the day of letting go Mornings at the window coffee in hand sliding into evening's sheets together reading before I turn off the light The big things, the small things all share the same fate they won't travel with us together this is a study in letting go You won't cry over things or fight you won't throw a tantrum you'll simply let go What was once us has been reduced to dust I sit in sackcloth and ashes my cheeks stained, my eyes red This rending is more than just things more than just memories more than just a change of address This is us letting go l...

All their faces become one all their lies and all their eyes bore into me I am frozen stalled rejected once again standing still and wondering Who keeps hitting "repeat" on this track who keeps stut-stut stuttering their lines over and over again I have one last shot one last chance to love but I am shuttered out of town out to lunch I want that one woman I can mesh with talk with, feel with shake off the dust of this town with and in the end, smile with But they all have agendas I hide my heart cover my mouth censor my thoughts and sleep with one eye open What I see is that girl waiting for me but the question is does she see me? Will she line up like the rest raise her weapon aim at my chest? Sadly, I believe I know the answer.

There's something about this something about me something about you that threatens to break me in two There's something on the wind getting closer filling me with excitement filling me with dread Is it you, my perfect coming to me at last is it your heart I hear crying out like mine This is an epic thing I am not a man of renown I am not a beast I am just flesh  I've run out of words run out of hope and other things  that look like it Here I sit alone again unable to move unable to breathe If God sees me if God hears me if anyone sees me if anyone hears me Please understand I am just a man broken now now less than a man There is nowhere to go nothing to do but sit and wait stirring inside My face shows my age my hands show my rage my heart shows my pain and humiliation But my feet cannot walk away. 

Pictures, postcards notes, birthday cards letters soaked in yearning thousands of miles of text back and forth forever we've talked through distance, through tears You were my everything and I tried to be yours you were the rain that watered my fields of hope and acres of thorns I longed for you so many nights I begged you to remain only mine but you were always swept up in someone else's storm You had no mercy on my heart and now I hear your voice crying, pleading have mercy -- one last time Oh, how you've torn me and you intend to tear me one last time you intend to break me forever like you used to do all the time I'm so broken I can't even respond I'm making excuses but we both know how this ends I don't know why it hurts so much leaving like this I can't bear doing you how you've done me If I die tonight It's all the same if I run through hell no one will catch me I'm ...

Maybe you see me as a brute a monster in search of flesh Maybe you fear me my appetites my passion my desire My love, I am just a man in love with just one woman You're my perfect my dream my everything my whole world If you could see my heart you'd know I'm all yours for better or for worse I want to hold you seep into you become a part of you forever You are my one and only the only star in my sky since the beginning we were made for each other Let me hold you, love do you feel my heart on you? does it speak to you? cry out for you? One day I'll be gone I want the world to know you were mine before I run out of time Darling, I fear the end is near The night is spent so let me hold you, dear If this is all I have -- this empty bed -- then let me imagine you here filling my last perfect moments with your peace.

Driving nowhere — this could be the metaphor for you and me — rudderless, lost, parting ways You aren't talking but I can tell your face is staring out your window that tells me everything You're crying again and I'm driving we'll do this as we've always done and then never again We may as well be listening to Samiam's Clumsy, hungover, tired and waiting for our time to begin We waited so long we fought for this and this, well, this is not what we wanted We're strung out on insomnia regret depression and a very bitter winter These hills baited us these skies welcomed us these dark nights lit up with stars they cradled us The radio always plays the saddest songs and love songs that don't mean a thing right now Every song sounds like a dirge every note like pinpricks of melancholy Yet, we drive we sit silently we rehearse our lines ...

She's late but I know she's coming I cower, my breathing labored She has tears in her eyes but I know she intends to do what she intends to do This is it the moment I've been dreading she cries but there's murder in her eyes I love her but she will slay me I will cease to exist when she betrays me It is acceptable this sacrifice of love for the greater good for the love of many I will perish but she will walk away hurting, broken, bleeding forever scarred With my blood dripping from her hands and streaming across the floor she leaves me for the last time I am silent now in no pain my eyes focused on nothing my heart still My lover, my friend, my perfect to you there's nothing left to be said because I now know this is the end.

Eat, sleep, breathe and keep doing the same Eat, sleep, breathe until you remember your name and all the things that used to matter There's something familiar in this pain it's my heart giving up rolling over and dying every day is the same tragedy What makes it beat what makes it care what makes it continue without a reason? It's the whisper of something on the wind in the trees beyond my reach It's hope that this won't last forever it's believing  that I'm nearly there Dear God, remember my frame I am but dust here for a moment and never again I keep hoping I keep waiting I keep repeating what I have to repeat Up comes the sun and on goes my facade another day another lesson in heartbreak.

She always came to me as a whisper in the night in the rain in my moments of deepest pain She was my forever my stranger my saint my permanent stain Whatever happened to us – shattered and twisted us – through the broken years, the hungry march of time? You were ungraspable almost unreal you created us strangled us put us to sleep When you left me I died my greatest death you came back to me expecting open arms You showed me what it was like to love and die at the same time you made it clear my destiny was to always be broken, broken, broken My dear muse your soft voice has faded you left me for the last time I see your dark love for me as a lesson learned too late My lover, my friend you broke me and leaving you has broken me again My muse, my dear muse This unconscionable decision has killed your killing time your feast of hate on my heart Your hungry eyes that only wanted more grow d...

I held you today and it felt like a thousand times before you -- falling to pieces and me -- unable to catch them We are broken never to be put back together we are liars if we believe anything else I was never any good for you but I always tried I loved you with all my might you were the storm I was always chasing What I feel and what I felt are not the same anymore there is a strangeness in hugging you -- almost a panic like when you've lost your house key I can't ever go back home what's left of it will never feel the same There's always been that sadness behind my eyes you didn't put it there but you fed it diligently You and I were a beautiful disaster held together by duct tape and memories, always trying and always failing to remember why we made sense I didn't destroy us I just let us go and all those falling pieces found their home scattered around us I knew a little girl lost but she was...

Your back is turned but I can see your face in the mirror Your eyes are closed but your whole world is open to me Pressing myself on you is like a dream come true The only thing that takes away my ache is crashing into you Girl, you're everything I need right now and I know I'm everything you want we're trading spit and trading paint When I first laid eyes on you I never knew we'd go down this way -- mean, like animals My hands are possessive my mind is full of adjectives my mouth whispers expletives and you make the best noises I want this to last forever but it's just as well this kind of forever would bleed me dry When your eyes open and I'm past spent we carry on like nothing happened we smile at ourselves in the mirror before we say goodbye.

There's something between us and it's my heart still beating lying on the floor It's out there, unattached it's untethered, untouched waiting still beating What I always wanted was the look in your eyes that love beaming out of them That's the look that's the feeling that's what I've been missing That's what my heart was waiting for There's this little voice telling me, "put it back, put back your heart" But it waits for you still beating still clinging to hope on the floor between us Where can I go? Nowhere What can I say? I've said it all I wait for you and my heart waits for you in this dark place growing dimmer When they put me together they forgot some things like all the parts that tell me I should walk away But I'm here today here tomorrow and my heartbeats I will follow.

Someday you'll be mine -- wrapped up, held-to-my-chest mine Someday we'll be free and clear to love and we'll never fear what may come Someday has become our strangely familiar word oft-repeated, often cursed but it's more real every day This isn't perfect but I know you're perfect for me hold my hand, dear we're almost in the clear You are a gift I can't wait to open every day I thank God you're still here What do I have to do to let you feel me across such a distance? my pitiful words can't work hard enough can't say enough can't make you mine fast enough Someday You'll get weak in my arms and I'll hold you with a strength I don't possess right now I'll take your love and you'll take mine just like we've imagined about a million times My hands will speak what they've been unable to say my mouth will be on yours and our bodies will fuse Someday ...

This is all things bleeding this is all the end what can I say today to speak comfort into you? This is things broken and this is things spoken down to the wire and feelings on fire What I imagined for you is so much better than this what I always wanted was perfect and painless In the night and in the day I know you cry out I know you feel for something beyond this hollow place The pain won't last forever the night gives way to dawn the scars will remain but it won't feel the same You are held in His hand held close while you cry In the shadow of His wings in the blink of an eye One day this will be a memory and not a moment of death in this world of pain I will hold you close, forever to my chest We will breathe the same air I will get tangled in your hair share everything we can share and feel broken no more One day we'll get there you and me holding hands walking forward into a brand new day One day I...

I'm struggling to hold back tears on this winding trail in the shadow of the devil, the monolith that blocks out the sun Surrounded by strangers and even stranger feelings makes me wonder where you are and are you thinking about me too? My heart wants to run to you but it rages in my chest like a prisoner can I quiet my endless thoughts about you? can I put away my burning hands that just want to feel you? can I make tomorrow something better than today, make you speak the words I want you to say? There is hope in my head but fear in my heart will it feel this way forever? will you always riot in my brain wake me in the night stop me dead in my tracks when I long for you? Will I always bleed like this when no one is looking shove my guts back inside mop the bloody floor so no one knows how bad I'm hurting? How can I keep coming back to this precipice of pain? because I found you -- or someone like you -- here she isn't...

I carry this darkness like a cloak I carry this madness, this violence in my clenched fists What I am is what I've always been what I'll always be -- singular and strange I've tried to be normal I've tried to belong I sat in your crowds, played along But this blackness defines me this mean midnight I inhabit speaks for me I am hidden in it -- total, blinding sold out to it swallowed by it Absolute and utter darkness -- it is a perfect completeness I've bled more than I've said no one knows the untold, the shifting shadows that make up my bleeding out my breathing in and bleeding out again Alone I wait for my eclipse to fade to sunlight but time has stopped and my recovery with it Can you feel me here? please silence my screams silence my pain and this heart that's had enough Stamp me out, dear God there is nothing here worth saving just burning embers of a life nearly extinguished and barely li...

How can I win when I cannot stand how can I rise with such a weight on my back? What irony all my traveling all my running away has brought me here face to face with what drove me away Sickness bubbles up in me when I consider what I've lost and the sad exchange of what I've gained If what I hear is music then it is a dirge if what I feel is pain then it remains like a stain Lost -- that is my word for this lost like I've never been found "I can't even count the cost of what I've lost," said the sad, sad man There is a calmness to this death this is a special way to go there is no fighting no wide eyes no questions, very little pain It's like a song without a real ending it just fades out it just pans out like the end of a movie Like watching that sad, sad man walk away, turn a corner and you're all alone like losing a love you never had.

I was a golden boy blessed in so  many ways but now I see the end of all those blessings I was something, for sure but now I'm something else fastened to this hateful world like a junkyard dog to his chain Let me go on The sunshine I basked in was so full of promise the night was my terror and those nights were so long How many dreams have chased my soul how many years were lost below how did I not die a thousand times? Golden boy your day is done but you've a new golden boy to see running into that same sun.

There are slights you can stomach they come and they go but a blow like this comes along maybe once in 20 years If there is one thing in my whole life I could take back it would be that evil in me that threw you away that fateful day Can you ever see me the same can you ever see past my shame? My  heart is a crime scene and I'm the murderer, blood-splattered, holding your bleeding heart and then throwing it away Forgive me, dear for managing to screw up something so perfect My punishment is having to relive that moment the rest of my life So reach into this storm of hate brewing in me and speak calm into what I've become Tell me all is not lost that we can go on tell me that you still see me once in a while how you used to.

Well, it's you and me as uneasy as can be as petulant as children waiting for the storm to pass Just you and me with seemingly nothing to look forward to but the end of the world -- we can watch it on TV Groaning under these heavy skies you and I are paralyzed heavy in heart and coming undone -- are we having fun? You make faces and I make excuses and I can't seem to wait to stab your heart again can you tell me why are we doing this again? Why is the sun hiding from us why is God silent with us why is my heart refusing to make an appearance? Well, it's you and me darling dragging this corpse between us the storm has passed but I still can't look at you I'm sorry for my failures I'm a man, after all I'm sorry for leaving you alone with the remnants of me -- coffee stains, suicide notes notebooks full of pain that never missed a chance of assuring us we can never escape this pointless ending.