my careless contagion

Jimmy Eat World's The Middle was released in 2001 on the album Bleed American. The lyrics to this song were important to me, as they spoke of peer pressure and the need to conform. I was at a point in my life when I really started missing my education. I was wondering if I'd ever get a chance to go back to school. I saw everyone moving on with their lives, getting real jobs, and I was just a hardcore kid paying the rent. So, too, Jimmy Eat World's A Praise Chorus spoke to me. I remember listening to this song when I was 24, 25, 26. So, when the song says, "Even at 25, ya gotta start sometime," I agreed. I felt like my time was coming, but I also felt it was too late to go back to school at the age of 25. And 26, well, that was really old. Here I am, 41 and taking classes. Clearly, it's never too late. These songs are important to me still because they reveal a lesson I started learning a long time ago. It doesn't help to compare yourself to...

There's something wrong in all of this, something I cannot figure out. Something is turning me away from walking down that dark corridor and into a greater understanding. It's not a matter of who is to blame. It's just a matter of knowing the truth, whether it's ugly or not. I've never shied away from knowing the truth; it's been the only thing I've ever cared about. It's my vocation; everything else is just a job. That girl is a puzzle. There's something impossible about her. What drove me so far away from her? What led me back? I thought she would be mine; I thought she rejected me. What on earth happened all those years ago? Is there any way to know? Is there anything I can do short of falling on my face and pleading to the Almighty for answers? All I hear is, "The past is the past."  Then it happened again. The same thing. I was drawn back to that place, to that same puzzled hurt. When I look in the mirror, it's clea...