my careless contagion

If I ever see that girl again, and if we're ever alone, I will fall down on my knees, crumble like no man ever should and hold her ankles tight. I will break before her eyes, and she will see something she's never seen before. She will see the most broken man say the most pitiful things. He'll say he's so sorry, the sorriest he's ever been in his life. He'll say he can't go on any longer, the regret is tearing him apart. He'll say he'll do anything to help her get her life back, just say the word and he'll do it. Please, please, just let me do it.   I get it now. I see why you had to leave me. I see what it means for you to carry on, and I don't want you to do that. I want you to have what you had, and I know what that means for me. If there's an altar somewhere, I'll sacrifice myself to this cause. If there's a time machine, I'll buy it for us. If there's a way -- any way to undo what I've done -- I'll do ...

If there's one thing I know right now, as I stare out the window, is that she does not belong to me. She never has and never will. She will always be his. What great arrogance it was that brought me to my knees in this empty, sacred place where we realize things that we should have seen long ago. Too little, too late to do a thing about it. I can't put back anything that's out of place anywhere but my own life. But,  I struggle just to get out of bed most days. The years showed me things, some of them unkind. They showed me I had been left behind. They showed me that no matter how hard I tried to keep up, it was impossible. I had been marked as one of the Left Behinds. It's okay. I'm well aware of this fact, and I've accepted it. The world went on, and I grew tired and cold. My life was increasingly meaningless. She reminded me of so many things, so many wonderful things that could have been but were not. And never could be. She reminded me o...

I don't know the time, but I know it's the killing hour it's the time of night when she comes and slays me in my bed again My teeth are clenched as her body moves against mine my hands speak for me my pleading, prying cause She sighs, exhales, turns toward me my eyes are shut because I know if I open them she won't be there Her top leg reaches over mine and draws me closer her arm goes under mine and fingers dig into my back She presses her body on mine her lips search my face, my neck, my chest her eyelashes flutter in the dark sleepily her body says yes Every nerve in my body is at attention every synapse is awake and alive the fabric between us evaporates with tenderness and carefulness  Her breath is hot on my face her body is warm and moist her smell is driving me wild but I am paralyzed Tears squeeze out my tightly-shut eyes frustration mounts if she were here, oh, if she were really h...