my careless contagion

"This is fine," I keep telling myself. But, dear readers, everything is not fine, though maybe my mess of a life is what makes this blog worth reading. Traced back as far as memory allows, I've had this feeling in my gut that things are not fine, that things will never be fine. One of those things that has never been fine is my relationships with women. You may want to prepare yourself for a long post. There is an image in my mind of the kind of woman I want to love. I mean, I literally see a specific woman in my head, but the list is as such: wholesome, sweet, kind, selfless, cute (or beautiful), smart (but doesn't want me to feel like she's smarter than me), a heart for God, etc. The problem is, women like this don't exist. Okay, they're out there. But not really. They're married. They have kids, jobs. They are busy. They aren't divorced or otherwise available, putting themselves out there. They are smart, so they don't get divorced i...

  Chasing Amy. Looking for Alaska. 500 Days of Summer. The Great Gatsby.  I have my own lost love story. It's compelling. It's beautiful. It's haunting.  I still chase her with my mind. I still feel her with my heart. She was the most beautiful thing I ever held in my hands. She was always there. Until she wasn't. I've searched for her ever since. I never knew a woman could make me feel the things she did. I never knew I'd be so impossibly ruined by her — ruined for anything else. I knew she was never truly mine, but just the thought of having her made me impossibly happy. A love like that is a gift. A woman like her is a jewel. The time we had together was a dream. And the memories of her sustain me.  There is no perfect human being, but she was perfect to me. She made me see the world differently. She let me believe something as precious as her could be had by a man like me. Oh, what I would give for just one more day with her. Just to hear her voic...

Where do I start? I feel like I've always been a failure. When did I start believing that? As the youngest child, you do everything later and slower than everyone else. Then you have two parents (ideally) to compare yourself to. You never win the comparisons so you stop trying. I did well in school for the most part. I did okay in athletics. I wasn't ever popular, nor did I desire to be. Those kids were assholes. The older I got, the more the world I knew lurched away from me. I was lost.  I've never been good at any job I've ever done. I just kind of wing it. People have a propensity to hate me because I'm so bad at what I do and I really should feel bad about it, but I don't. I struggle and no one helps me and that's okay. My life is struggle and failure and an occasional success that scares the shit out of me. Like, where did that come from? The law of averages gives me an occasional home run.  When you've been a screw-up as long as you ca...