my careless contagion

My life is over. My body is broken. My mind is like Swiss cheese. Somehow, my heart keeps beating. There's nothing else I want to do. My life has been a comical disaster, penetrated at times by both the storms of life and pure magic. I have loved and lost love. I have fought and fucked. But, what happened two years ago when I knew I was undeniably in love with the loveliest woman I've ever known was like a revelation — like being reborn. It was like seeing the world for the first time. The songs of birds in the trees were sweeter. The cold of winter much more bearable. The smell of her flesh was like an intoxicant. Simple things, even, like the way her hair fell over her ears was like I had never seen anything so beautiful before. She had her way with me in a way previously thought impossible. She ran through me with a freedom I had never given anyone before. The whole thing was as powerful as it was brief. It was only a few months, bu...

I love her with a love neither of us understands. It's an unrelenting, driving thing. How it exists without the object of its affection, I'll never know. She's gone, but my heart keeps loving her.  I can't explain. All I can say is it seems my heart searched for a woman like her, and when it found her, it didn't want to give her up. To me, she was the model of the perfect woman. I knew I'd never find another like her. Imagine my surprise when the very model of perfection walked back into my life!  Even though she's gone, my heart agreed to love her. It settled on her with a finality unlike anything I've seen.  She has moved on. She has left me here to weather the world without her. I don't know where her heart has wandered, but it is not with me. Perhaps it's gone back to a former love, perhaps on to another. Perhaps it's just hurting and waiting and hurting again — by itself, unable to love anyone.  This love I have for her will ...