my careless contagion

Today is the day after. The day after she broke my heart again. The day after she told me she does not read these words. It's just as well. So many of them are raw, ugly, malignant. But, I had hoped she would see the loveliest of them — the love letters. Those were bright spots amidst the carnage. Those symbolized her in my life.  My blog is many things. But mostly, it's like a little kid trying to put together a puzzle. He rearranges, turns things around, gets up, walks away, gets angry, laughs, tries to stand on his head, all to figure out how the pieces fit together. It's kind of a schizophrenic approach, I admit. It's just me trying to figure things out. This woman I love is by far the most puzzling piece. Today I didn't go to the store early as I normally do. Today I stayed in bed, too depressed to even think of stepping out onto the cold floor and fumbling around in the dark to start a day I just wished would go away. It's one blow after another. An...

I loved her with a love that was bigger than me. It filled me up until it leaked out in messy ways, embarrassing ways, lovely ways, little ways, big ways, and forever ways. I loved her with a love that could have swayed any woman, but she was not any woman. She was a ghost by the time I realized it was all over and done with. When she left the room, I was still picking out baby names for our love child. When she put me down and put me away, I was scrawling poetry for her across the sky.  I must have been exceptionally dull or blind because she made her escape while I was dreaming about our future. When I said I wanted to marry her, she must have been terrified. When I told her I loved her, I can't even imagine how she felt. She ran from me with a purpose and speed that equaled the love I felt for her. The more I loved, the more she shrank away.   If I could love her like this — even with the sadness mixed in — how could I love her if our hearts were one? It wo...