my careless contagion

There's only one girl in the world I want to hear from. My heart pants for her and waits patiently (and sometimes impatiently) to hear from her. She's my heart's one desire. I've made peace with not having her, but oh, I'd love to hear her voice again. The only problem is I'm sure it would send me into space. It would be too much — like a buffet to a starving man — I'd feast until I'd become sick.  There's something in me that turned off, though, and forever. It was a rabidity I can't explain, like a ceaseless roving. Once my heart settled on her, a calmness replaced it. I answered all the questions that could be answered. I checked every box. I communed with my God until I knew all there was to know, and then I made my decision with a sureness that only comes from examining every aspect of something. Have I thought of everything? I can answer with all honesty and say, "Yes. At least, all that matters."  My fight is over. My mi...

The voice of reason always has the last word. My heart says what it wants to say, and then the voice of reason quashes all dissent.  The voice of reason says her heart belongs to another, and it always has. It's a deep, abiding love I've only seen the surface of. Yes, she loves him with all she has, even though he hurt and humiliated her for years. It's a love as strong as any bond or trauma-bond I've seen. She cannot walk away. She cannot crawl away. She's fused to him forever because this was her promise to him. She's the most loyal person I know. She has proven over and over she belongs to him. It's beautiful and tragic at the same time. There is no competing with a love like that. I can't think of her without being awestruck. The voice of reason tells me she'll never be mine. It tells my heart to pack it in, go on, at least try to move on. I have tried, of course, but every time I try my heart cries out like it will die. I love her with ...

I wonder about that girl who touched my life in so many ways. When we started talking, she was so strong and so brave. She made me smile on the inside and the outside in so many ways. I loved talking to her more than anything else. I thought we'd go on like that. I hoped we'd go on like that. But we didn't go on like that. Sadness crept into our conversations. I noticed it slowly at first. We both talked about our personal sadness. I imagined myself holding her tight, never letting go. That's all I wanted to do. I wanted her to know that she was loved and everything would be okay. If she cried in my arms, I would kiss her neck and whisper, "I love you, and I always will." I couldn't be what I wanted to be for her. I couldn't be anything. If there was a sideline to her life, I wasn't even there. I was further away than that; I couldn't even watch, much less partake. My hands were tied. I watched helplessly as the wolves surrounded he...